Worn out,
emotionally and
physically. Started the day with a trip to
Office Depot, to buy a
USB cable for an
HP Printer/Fax purchased yesterday. The trip with
my mother was
a little better than yesterday
with my dad; she at least talked to me.
After a lot of
cleaning under the computer desk, I opened all three of the
colour ink cartridges (
yellow,
cyan, and
magenta) for the
printer, and when my mother informed me that she had already inserted the cartridge (singular), I determined that I had picked up the
incorrect cartridges
the previous evening. This entailed a
journey on my
bicycle,
grades not good enough to get a
license, and on the
bus, rides being free
in the summer.
After
making dinner,
spaghetti, I decided to go
exchange the ink cartridges. I popped my bike out of the shed and began to ride. Catching the bus over to the street the
shopping center was on, and
securing my
bike, I entered the
store. I picked up the little
voucher you give the cashier for the
ink cartridges, she deduced that the
store was out of the ones I needed. I opted to keep the old, and return home, to come back
Monday.
I decided I was going to ride all the way home, since the bus had already completed it's
layover and would not return for another hour.
This turned out to be a mistake my calves, lower back, and legs have not yet
forgotten. I rode up and down hills for about 2 hours, and when I finally
stopped to look at a map at a
gas sation, I found out that one of the first turns I made was the exact opposite of the direction I had needed to go.
Feeling rather stupid, I left the station, and started
the long ride home.
When I got home, my mother was sitting at
her computer, and papers from
my school sat next to her on her desk. These papers basically confirmed the fact that I had
failed 2 classes during the school year and earned a "
D" in
French, making it impossible for me to continue the language next
school year.
I should node this in "
The Worst Feeling in the World", I think I will, but one of
the worst feelings I have had thus far is coming up.
My mother has been one of the best people in my life. Like the w/u above, I have felt I could tell her anything and she'd accept it. She has gone through a whole range of emotions during my
educational saga, since my 7th grade year, on through
high school, to now, the segue between
Junior and
Senior year of high school, and I haven't had a
GPA higher than a 2.0. I feel like an
idiot, like
I've wasted my life, I feel like a
leeching,
disappointing,
loserish,
son of a bitch.
I don't understand my own problem, and I don't understand myself. My mother says that she
can't trust me, she doesn't trust anything I say anymore, I've not been the person she knows.
I don't know.
I have never taken drugs, never done anything remotely illicit, not
betrayed her trust. I just am a
lazy, unmotivated jerk. My
grandparents pay for my education, and
almost anything expensive I need. I told my parents I was
selling my computer to buy a laptop, because I thought it would help me in
school, my grandparents bought me a
laptop. They bought me a
video camera for
Christmas because I have been getting into
videography and
media for the
past year. They pay any and all
facets of my
educational fees.
Saturday, after reading my mom's
hastily written notes about summer school and
feeling let down, I came
downstairs to find a gigantic
cockatiel cage sitting on my bed that my sister informed me my grandmother purchased on a whim. (I have a grey cockatiel, she didn't just buy a cage out of nowhere) These people are probably the reason I'm not
living in the fucking slums, and I'm wasting their
money.
I'm down here in my
basement room, about 4 months away from being a
legal adult, thinking of how much I wish I could be as
successful as my sister, and wondering if I am going to be able to find an answer to my
motivational problem, and just wondering, writing because I can't figure out myself,
my problem,
my life.
I can't succeed because I don't try, and when I do try,
it's too soon or
too late. I have every intention of trying, and fully willing to accept the consequences if I don't try at all, and yet I
don't seem to give a shit when
it matters.
I don't lie about this to anyone, not my parents, not anyone.
And today, my mother told me that she had been looking forward to my
graduation, but wasn't anymore, that it'd be
anti-climactic. She said that she knows I've been
lying about my schoolwork, about a lot of things, which I haven't. She said that she guessed she'd have to wait to be proud until my
sister graduates in 4 years.
God,
I hate myself.
I'd never
kill myself, because I have to
take the consequences of my actions. I could never do that to my parents,
people I care about,
my friends. I feel like dirt, though.
I don't know what to do next, how to try and salvage what I can, because I don't know how I'll feel once this summer really gets underway. I don't know if I'll blow off my
schoolwork once August comes around. I just have to take it
day by day, I suppose.
But,
it hurts so much, to have my mother say she doesn't trust me.
If anyone has got the same problem, please
/msg me...