Worn out, emotionally and physically. Started the day with a trip to Office Depot, to buy a USB cable for an HP Printer/Fax purchased yesterday. The trip with my mother was a little better than yesterday with my dad; she at least talked to me.

After a lot of cleaning under the computer desk, I opened all three of the colour ink cartridges (yellow, cyan, and magenta) for the printer, and when my mother informed me that she had already inserted the cartridge (singular), I determined that I had picked up the incorrect cartridges the previous evening. This entailed a journey on my bicycle, grades not good enough to get a license, and on the bus, rides being free in the summer.

After making dinner, spaghetti, I decided to go exchange the ink cartridges. I popped my bike out of the shed and began to ride. Catching the bus over to the street the shopping center was on, and securing my bike, I entered the store. I picked up the little voucher you give the cashier for the ink cartridges, she deduced that the store was out of the ones I needed. I opted to keep the old, and return home, to come back Monday.

I decided I was going to ride all the way home, since the bus had already completed it's layover and would not return for another hour. This turned out to be a mistake my calves, lower back, and legs have not yet forgotten. I rode up and down hills for about 2 hours, and when I finally stopped to look at a map at a gas sation, I found out that one of the first turns I made was the exact opposite of the direction I had needed to go. Feeling rather stupid, I left the station, and started the long ride home.

When I got home, my mother was sitting at her computer, and papers from my school sat next to her on her desk. These papers basically confirmed the fact that I had failed 2 classes during the school year and earned a "D" in French, making it impossible for me to continue the language next school year.

I should node this in "The Worst Feeling in the World", I think I will, but one of the worst feelings I have had thus far is coming up. My mother has been one of the best people in my life. Like the w/u above, I have felt I could tell her anything and she'd accept it. She has gone through a whole range of emotions during my educational saga, since my 7th grade year, on through high school, to now, the segue between Junior and Senior year of high school, and I haven't had a GPA higher than a 2.0. I feel like an idiot, like I've wasted my life, I feel like a leeching, disappointing, loserish, son of a bitch. I don't understand my own problem, and I don't understand myself. My mother says that she can't trust me, she doesn't trust anything I say anymore, I've not been the person she knows.

I don't know. I have never taken drugs, never done anything remotely illicit, not betrayed her trust. I just am a lazy, unmotivated jerk. My grandparents pay for my education, and almost anything expensive I need. I told my parents I was selling my computer to buy a laptop, because I thought it would help me in school, my grandparents bought me a laptop. They bought me a video camera for Christmas because I have been getting into videography and media for the past year. They pay any and all facets of my educational fees. Saturday, after reading my mom's hastily written notes about summer school and feeling let down, I came downstairs to find a gigantic cockatiel cage sitting on my bed that my sister informed me my grandmother purchased on a whim. (I have a grey cockatiel, she didn't just buy a cage out of nowhere) These people are probably the reason I'm not living in the fucking slums, and I'm wasting their money.

I'm down here in my basement room, about 4 months away from being a legal adult, thinking of how much I wish I could be as successful as my sister, and wondering if I am going to be able to find an answer to my motivational problem, and just wondering, writing because I can't figure out myself, my problem, my life. I can't succeed because I don't try, and when I do try, it's too soon or too late. I have every intention of trying, and fully willing to accept the consequences if I don't try at all, and yet I don't seem to give a shit when it matters. I don't lie about this to anyone, not my parents, not anyone.

And today, my mother told me that she had been looking forward to my graduation, but wasn't anymore, that it'd be anti-climactic. She said that she knows I've been lying about my schoolwork, about a lot of things, which I haven't. She said that she guessed she'd have to wait to be proud until my sister graduates in 4 years.

God, I hate myself.

I'd never kill myself, because I have to take the consequences of my actions. I could never do that to my parents, people I care about, my friends. I feel like dirt, though. I don't know what to do next, how to try and salvage what I can, because I don't know how I'll feel once this summer really gets underway. I don't know if I'll blow off my schoolwork once August comes around. I just have to take it day by day, I suppose.

But, it hurts so much, to have my mother say she doesn't trust me.

If anyone has got the same problem, please /msg me...