Warning: This is damn long, deal with it...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. For the first 17 years of my life I was miserable - completely. Nothing made me happy. Ever. Then about a year ago this week I met the most fantastic woman, and for the first time I could truly say that I was happy.

Sure, there had been points before where I had fun, but that was fleeting and hours later I'd be in hell again. She made me happy, completely and truly happy. Then come the following January (this year), she left me. The only thing that ever made me happy was taken from my life.

The past 8 months I've been living a lie. I put up a front of sarcastic contentness to hide my true feelings. I was and still am completely torn apart. Not one day goes by where I don't think of her, the only person I can honestly say I have truly ever loved.

Then last week, I ran into someone. A bunch of people and I were playing ultimate frisbee and I ran into this girl. She seemed extremely familiar, but I knew not why. I asked her what high school she went to and I'd never heard of the place so I figured it was coincidence. When she heard I went to TAMS, she asked if I knew Kristin, and my heart just about stopped as all expression left my face. This was her best friend, on the same campus as myself. I'm not saying that it bothered me that she was there - I'm not going to say I'm some dumb dramatist and her presence reminded me of Kristin and I couldn't handle it because that would be a total load of whiny bullshit.

We ended up talking for a while - mostly about Kristin and trying to figure out why the hell she broke up with me. In the hour or so that followed I learned things about my love that nearly tore me apart (problems with her family and personal issues). I have wanted nothing more since that moment to run to her, hold her, and console her. As much as I would like to do this however, I fear the consequences such actions would reap on her psyche. For that matter, I don't think she'd come out of her room to talk to me if I did show up.

I know she left me for personal reason, but I love her more than life itself and want nothing more right now than to be with her. Just to talk to her, hear her voice, see her face... I cannot tell if I am wasting my time. It would be wonderful if she wanted to be with me again, but if she doesn't it would only bring further pain. I drove to UNT last night to try and see her, but she was not home. I had purchased a graphic novel of "Oh My Goddess!" for her, knowing she's a huge fan of the series. I left it with a trusted friend to deliver for me. If nothing else, I just want her to be happy.

And if I don't end this now, it probably won't end. Good night.