WARNING: Do not read any further if you do not want to be sad.

I'm a bit down in the dumps today. There is a very bad anniversary next week and I can't seem to get it out of my head. On July 7,1999 I went to my 12-week maternity checkup. For those of you who don't know anything about pregnancy, the first 3 months (12 weeks) of a pregnancy are the toughest. If a miscarriage is going to happen, it will most likely happen during this period. Anyway, I went to the appointment all happy because I was going to get to hear thebaby's heartbeat. I had seen it at 10 weeks because I had to have a sonogram to determine the due date, so I was figuring everything would be just fine. My doctor thought she heard a heartbeat but couldn't catch it clearly. She said it wasn't a big deal, but she wanted me to have another sonogram that day just to be sure. I'm still thinking everything is just fine. So after about an hour of waiting for a free sonogram room, a different doctor calls me in. They start the procedure and both the nurse and doctor aren't saying any thing. They both just keep staring at the monitor and running the damn scope over my stomach - pressing harder and harder. At this point I know something is wrong though no one has said so. Finally, the doctor stands up and says "I don't think we have a viable pregnancy here." and walks out. That's it. Not an "I'm sorry" or "Are you alright" or "Can I call someone for you." WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE. The nurse at least explained some things to me and gave me some time alone before they needed the room back. I had to have a DNC the next day, no time to think about anything. (Again for those who don't know, a DNC is basically an operation during which they suck everything out of you.)

The really strange thing is that I know it would have been a girl. There is no way to prove it, but I know. I even had a name picked out, Danielle. And I really miss her even though I never saw her or held her.

I'm sure my husband feels the loss, but she wasn't part of him. I don't think it was real to him yet. I don't think he understands why I get upset when I see babies, or other misc. things that remind me.

I'm sorry if I have saddened anyone reading this. I am really glad that I have found Everything because I feel I can truly be myself here. Not the perfect little wife, employee, daughter, student....just me. Thanks for letting me vent.