The buildings of NYC rise like phantoms out of the fog, as I rise over the center hump of the bridge. The tires of my car make the familar thump-tump-thump-tump battle cry, as I descend back into the malestrom of traffic..which is only barely respited by the orderly white lines of the bridge, CASH right lane, EZ PASS all others.

Ancient warfare has been replaced by merging lanes.

shifts gears to weekend in Connecticut

Surrender to the carpet effect of multiple Newcastle bombers at Wonderland Billards. Run into old friend Dmitry and his wonderfully leatherclad girlfriend. Make plans for a night out back in Long Island over the holidays.

no sleep, mind spinning

Spend Sunday with old ex and her daughter. Old love turned to hate, replaced by easy occasional friendship (sans sex..just tension). She showed my the old victorian turned duplex she just bought.

She's done good without me. Of course

So on to the finale

Stopped by julz on the way back to NY. Time for the big talk. Five months of occasional fuck filled weekends obviously meant something different to her than it did me. I was comfortable with the way things were. No forced, trite words of love, just easy times.

sounds nice, doesn't it?

So I get ultimatum: walk and never speak to her again, or give her a shot. I wanted to run for that door, run and thank all applicable powers that be I got away so easy.

enter conscience

I stayed...out of guilt. The wrong reason? Yes. I know that. Staying was shittier than leaving. She countered every argument, every warning I could throw at her with:

"How do you know, if you don't try?"

I do know. I have tried.

Last pitch plea. As I rise off the couch.

"I don't know what I'll do if you leave..I won't be responsible"


the ultimate guilt trip

so i stay, and give her what she wants.

leave an hour later, sick and angry, make the ride back to the center of Long Island in under two hours.

I'd so rather be alone.

This is wrong