I saw this for the first time in a grocery store today. A handful of Campbell’s soup cans had pull tabs attached to the top of the can.

What the fuck?

Granted, pull tabs are an invaluable convenience for drinks. But I don’t think anyone will be chugging a can of Chicken with Stars while driving down the road.

I know I’m far from a maestro in the kitchen. My favorite recipe is Gaspacho Soup because it doesn’t require any interaction with the stove. But even the most incompetent cook can figure out which is the business end of a can opener.

Who exactly is this product directed at? People too drunk or "special" to operate heavy machinery like a can opener? Then they shouldn’t be anywhere near a stove or microwave. ("Nuke the kitty! Nuke the kitty!")

Even the most slovenly reject from The Odd Couple or the worst college bachelor pad from hell must have a goddamn can opener. If not, they’re in aisle 5, dumb fuck. Get your lazy punk ass to the next aisle and BUY A FUCKING CAN OPENER or GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE GENE POOL!

I fear for the future.