I just hate it when that happens
As usual I am too late. Procrastination
has once more gotten the better of me, landing me in a position where I know
that, although I may have a good thing going, I am much too late to be in the game
. Or quest
, since that is what I am late for this time.
I have all kinds of very good reasons for being late. Server wonkiness is one, but that seems to have been worn thin already, and not even by me. A busy life is another (I do have a life, even if my level of devotion to this site seems to prove the opposite).
I have been searching for the hate and the anger I know must lurk down there somewhere at the bottom of my slightly grubby soul. But every time I seem to have found some it turns out to be mere irritation, annoyance, or resentment. No real hate.
The closest I have ever been to hate someone is the one time a (former) friend on mine sued me to get out of a deal I had already promised her I'd get her out of. But I don't really hate her, I think. The feeling I experience is a cold determination to never, ever be in the same room as she is. Ever. But I don't think it's hate.
The feeling - the emotion - that we call "hate" must be frightening to experience. Consuming and destructive. Burning hot behind the eyes. I have felt the red hot sensation of sheer mad anger, but I don't think it was hate. Maybe hate feels a bit like that. I don't know. If people hurt me deeply enough or often enough I stop forgiving them. I stop wanting to see them and be around them. Analyzing the emotion, though, it's not hate. Not as I see it.
I can see where this is going: as so often before when I begin thinking about stuff, it ends up being about definitions. Before I can determine whether or not I hate, I need to define the term. And, though I am interested in how other people define "hate", what it really boils down to is how I define it. And the way I define it... well, I don't really have it in me. So this writeup is pointless as well as late.
I just hate it when that happens.