Now that we've established and met some of your other
treatment goals, it's time to discuss things that will be
helpful to you when you leave Betty Ford."
You'll find that planning ahead is one of the best ways one can
relieve the stress of daily life. Remember, life after
treatment is about making healthy choices. So what better way to
talk about choices and health than meal planning! My name is
Joleen, and I'm a registered dietician. Today we're going to
talk about creating a meal plan that is based on a healthy,
complete diet. The first thing we'll talk about is where we go
shopping for food. Now who'd like to start?
"GRANNY" from "The Beverly Hillbillies"
Shopping? Y'all gotta be pullin' my leg. All's I
shop fer is hominy, coffee, and ..."
(Interrupts) Well, Granny, how can you expect to
prepare healthy meals for your family if you don't shop once in
Varmints. Got all kinds o' tasty little critters
runnin 'round the back of the property. I jus' get my traps out
and ketch 'em nice an' fresh-like; then I skins 'em an fires up
the Bar-B-Cue an...
(Gags.) Ah, I see. So Granny's pointed out a
good source of protein. (Gags, retches.) Hmm. Maybe we should
talk to Jane about how she prepares meals for the family.
"JANE" from "The Jetsons"
Well, George likes just about everything I make
for him. If I make something he really doesn't care for, I just
press another button on the electro-matic food preparator and
get him something else.
But shopping. What about shopping?
What about shopping? I shop for clothes;
but, er... Oh, I see, food shopping. That's a thing that
became passé in the early
Alright; let's move on. Norman, would you care
to tell us what your plans are for preparing healthy meals for
"NORM" FROM 'Cheers'
You gotta help me with this one. They told me to
stay away from bars. So where am I gonna pick up those little
bags of chips and peanuts I eat?
Well, chips are a healthy snack. Peanuts are a
good source of healthy protein. But you'll have to think about
buying things like milk, bread...
Oh, I got that all set. I don't need milk 'cause
I won't be thirsty. And bread; why, don't you know that they
call beer the "liquid bread of Germany?"
(Frustratedly sighs and writes something in a
notebook) Norm, now don't you know that you won't be having
Yeah, I know. One day at a time. But I can
always have a couple tomorrow...
Let's move on. Mr. Spock, what do Vulcans keep
in their cupboards, if you will?
"MR. SPOCK" FROM 'Star Trek'
I refuse to participate in this intercourse. I
possess knowledge far more advanced than any human life-form and
will not humble myself to the degree that I'm being asked. The
mere fact that these humanoids need be instructed on self-care
to the degree of finding life-sustaining nutrients proves the
fact that my intellect surpasses theirs exponentially.
Where was your superior intellect when police
stopped your Corvette because you were weaving all over Santa
Monica Boulevard doing about 90 miles per hour, never mind that
your blood alcohol level was 0.21, Mr. Spock?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds
that the answer may tend to incriminate me.
Lucy, why don't you tell us -
will you be using a list to remind you? Or will you just go to
market and create your meal plan around what's on sale?
"LUCY RICARDO" FROM "I Love
Oh, I'll just have Ethel help me. Ethel helps me
do everything. And she keeps me company when Ricky's out at
night leading the band. (Pauses - tears well up in her eyes)
Awwwwwwwh! They wouldn't let me say this on television in the
1950s but I'm gonna say it now. Ricky's a fucking two-timing,
cheating bastard. And he beats me. NOW YA WANNA KNOW WHY I DRINK
GIN MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT, IT'S 'CAUSE OF THAT FUCKING SLIMY
Lucy, now calm down. That's an issue for group
therapy. This is a nutrition class. And Ricky's from Cuba, not
(Sobs quietly to herself, mumbling obscenities
punctuated with phrases like "jive-ass punk," "Spic," "Greaseball,"
and "Perez Prado wanna-be.")
Would someone get Lucy a tissue? There, there,
dear. It's gonna be okay. Remember, you can't change Ricky, you
can just change yourself. Now then, Mr. McMahon, why don't you
tell us what your nutritional plan will include.
ED McMAHON FROM "The Tonight Show
with Johnny Carson"
I hear vegetables are a good source of
nutrition. So I'll start putting olives in my martinis
from now on. But really, folks, talking about vegetables, I'd
look at the poor farmers and I used to think that there wasn't
any money in vegetables. Well Claus Von Bulow changed my mind about that! HA HA
HA HA HA.
(Now is becoming increasingly agitated. Her once
patient demeanor is crumbling.) Ed, ED! What do you plan to
eat when you get out of here!
Zha-Zha Gabor's pussy! HA HA HA HA!
Oh, that's funny. That's really, really funny!
"KRAMER" FROM 'Seinfeld'
(To NORM.) I thought that was wacky.
Mr. Kramer, why don't you tell us some of the
things you'll put on your grocery list so you get enough of the
five food groups?
Let's see. I don't like supermarkets. I'll just
order pizza delivery and tell 'em I want five different
toppings. I hear Domino's has a deal.
(Regains her composure.) Beside pizza. What else
do you think you'll have in your pantry?
I don't know about pantry. Let's talk bedroom. I
betcha I can nail Zha-Zha before McMahon does! I hear she
hit a cop. I like an aggressive woman.
Why don't we hear from one more of the ladies.
Mary, why don't you tell us what you'll have on your shopping
"MARY RICHARDS" FROM 'The Mary Tyler Moore
(Cluelessly.) Er, uh, I guess I'll just take the
last donut from the coffee room, like I always did. You know, I
don't really like to step on anyone's toes and (continues
nauseatingly humble/cutesy rambling).
(Assertively and in a deliberate fashion.) Mary.
MARY! I want you to think, and think hard. Why don't you start
by telling us what some of your favorite, nutritious foods are.
(Pregnant pause.) Er, uh, coffee, I guess. And
brownies. Chocolate brownies...
"AL BUNDY" FROM 'Married... With
I'll eat anything except the franks and beans we had for lunch (passes
"ROSEANNE" FROM 'Roseanne'
(Passes gas loudly). Yeah. That sucked. Anyone
got a Twinkie?
(Pulls a large pistol out of her handbag and
shoots herself in the head.)
(Silence for over a minute)
Shit. I'f I'd've thought a that think of the
ratings I'd have gotten.