I don't know anymore. It's written on e2 that death has two stages, one or both.

1. Physical - You don't exist anymore. Your body is dead and you're gone. I don't know about an after life so please forgive me.

2. Emotional - Hunger, pain, love, etc. become just one emotion. An emotoin that is flat and without fanfare. Usually followed up with or experience with depression.

I guess I'm going through the emotional one. I have it to a point. I care for my friends. I care for my family. But why don't I care about myself as much as I do for them?

I'm not suicidal. I have no intention on taking my life. I did in the past and went through with it. But I was saved and didn't die. I remember the pain, the blood. The life as it rushed from my body. It hurt. It hurts worse than the worst breakup, the worst argument with your best friend. It's not even able to be compared to anything. It's unique. I remember it as the only route that seemed I could take. And it was stupid. No matter how bad life gets, it isn't worth taking your life.

Sometimes I wonder if that was a good thing that I didn't die. How many people would never have met me? How many people would never even known I existed?

Would they have shed a tear, even for a person like me? Would they be happier never knowing that I existed?

I think they might be. It's hard to think of happiness. I'm "happy" in the sense I get to do things that most teens never get to do. I've seen so many wonders that it's hard to count. I've been through so much that I feel like I'm older than I am. But I feel I'm missing something. Something that would make me complete.

I'm not saying in the sense of a significant other. I don't think that's the big problem. I just wish I was accepted more. I guess I have the nice guy complex.

Enough of that. I guess I need to go find myself in the world. I think I'm confused. I know I'm confused. And time will be the ultimate judge for me. No one else.