Pulling out the weeds
This morning I was sitting out on the patio pulling weeds out by the roots from between the bricks. They had grown large because I had not tended to them in a while. I moved along yanking and tossing leaving the patio smooth and clean like new behind me. As I sat out there doing this chore I overheard a conversation between two boys in my care. They were playing on the porch.
Older child (also the very negative child) "This is pathetic! It can't be done.."
Younger child "Nicky, where's your spirit? Come on, trust me! We can do this! We just have to figure it out."
Older :"it's no use, this is so stupid, everything is in the way, we can't do it with only these two towels."
Younger child "Find your spirit, look we can do it this way instead"
The conversation continued on much like this. They were talking about building a fort in the porch under one of the tables. The older one kept looking for the bad and couldn't see how their idea could work and the younger kept asking where his spirit was after every negative comment.
Those words of the younger child rang through my mind as I steadily worked at removing the weeds.
"Where's your spirit?"
I had to ask myself that same question. Where was my spirit? I have gotten myself so caught up in the suspicions and the distrust that I could not see the good no matter how much I tried. It was as if the suspicions had taken root and broken apart my spirit as the weeds had done to the bricks.
My patio is clean and fresh with the removal of the weeds.
Maybe it's time I pulled the weeds from my thoughts now.
Consider this my way of yanking out the weeds, separating the good from the bad.
These are thoughts that have run through my mind.
- Friendship is one of the most important things in the world.
- It reaches past the fault and shines on the virtue.
- It doesn't hold grudges.
- Don't let the disillusionment destroy your faith in the friendship.
- Anger makes you forget the good points. The picture gets out of focus.
- This is the time to list all the good things. Each of them will be a reason to forgive or forget and move on.
- no one is perfect (not even me)
- Don't judge one friendship based on another for each one is different.
Here's my list of what I like about you.
- good listener
- thoughtful advisor
- helps me sort through the STUFF
- makes me think
- YOU ARE FUN!
- for the most part,you have a smashing good outlook on life!
- you look for the good in people
- you speak up for what you believe in
- you share your enthusiasm for music with me!
- you share books and movies that you like with me
- you share your voice (I STILL think you should pursue a recording contract...)
- you share your ideas
- you share yourself, who you are and what you believe
- good for a laugh when it's needed most
- damn fine smile that reaches to your eyes
- you don't hesitate to tell me I'm wrong when I am
- you forgive me even when I have a hard time forgiving myself
What has me upside down ...
(edited for brevity... removed three or four paragraphs at least... you may breathe sighs of relief now...)
one thing and one thing only:
The thought that you may have lied to me.
Why? To me, a lie is equivalent to a betrayal of trust. But can I overlook it? And WHY am I letting something that happened long ago still color my thoughts today? Why can't I just let it all go and trust?
I have my reasons for the difficulty with trust. Trust is easily shaken with me and I hope that you will not hold that against me.
I have to not let this past thing effect how I think about you in this situation. You are not that other person. I have to go back out on that limb or be doomed to forever be distrustful of everyone. I choose not to live my life that way. I have to go with the person that I've known you to be and not let this one thing color my view. All the good things I know add up to 200% more than one doubt. I cannot allow myself to hold on to that doubt anymore.
So, I'm letting it go. I got it all out and I am done with it. I hope that you will not hold my thoughts against me.
You are my friend. That is all that matters. The rest is nothing. I found my own way around. I've pulled out the weeds. I still hold the spirit of our friendship close to my heart.
So... where do we go from here?
Chris
(another excerpt from letters/journal...6/28/00)
(ps. IT'S ALL GOOD!)