Hi, my name is Bob, and I am addicted to TUMS.

It started out as a necessity. Sometimes it was because I had drank too much coffee, trying to stay up late. Other times it was the hangover gut-rot. This was back in the day when there was only one kind available - gritty chalk.

Then one day in the local drug store, I came across that which would bring about my downfall: Flavoured TUMS. I was excited. The prospect of not having to wince upon ingestion was exhilarating. I bought fruit flavour.

Sure enough, the need arose that night. Loaded with anticipation, I cracked the safety seal, and grabbed a couple. “Pretty tasty little varmints”, I thought to myself with a chuckle. Little did I know that the seed of self-destruction was now planted.

They were too good; too irresistible. They became breath mints, dessert, condiments and Halloween candy. Assorted berry flavour, tropical fruit, regular, it didn’t matter. I had to have it. The downward spiral began. I was edgy without. My day was a waste if I couldn’t get the ooh-so-important first TUMS of the day.

I tried to quit, but my stomach was overcompensating for what it thought was a definitive lack of acid down there. The pain was unbearable. There was nothing that I could do. As it went on and on, I sunk lower and lower - until I was no more…

Don’t cry for me, for I am already gone.