Steven Seagal is naked. And I am naked too.

You know, something's been bugging me recently... kettle leads, you know? With a plug on one end, and another plug on the other end, but it's a different plug on the other end. Both plugs have three prongs, but the smaller plug has the prongs going inwards, and they are actually holes rather than prongs. So that although you have to force the body of the plug into the socket, the prongs are themselves pierced - passively - by the actual pointy-prongs in the utensil.

Not the leads themselves, but the lack of leads, it's not the leads themselves that are bugging me, it's the lack of leads, one lead, a lead. You see, so many kettles nowadays, instead of having a proper kettle lead, instead of that, they have a base unit, on which you place the kettle, and the base unit is connected to the mains by an integral... the cable goes into the base, there's no plug, it just goes straight in. No kettle lead, even though it's a kettle. A lead, yes, but not a kettle lead.

And I don't like that. The other day I found myself wanting a kettle lead, I wanted it, and I couldn't get it. I'm not getting it. And I wanted it. Because the only kettle lead I had was plugged into my computer! It was powering my computer. Can you see how ridiculous that is, that the only kettle lead in my room is powering... not my kettle, no, but my computer? It doesn't make sense. They aren't kettle leads, if they aren't kettles... if they aren't powering kettles, connected to them. It's a computer lead, except that there are lots of computer leads, you understand? And so it's... I don't know what the formal term is, you'd have to ask an electrician. Mono-gang extensor plug, I don't know.

You know, I looked very hard, but all the power leads I found were connected directly into the things they powered, even the toaster, and the iron. They are kettles as well. I've just thought that, if you were a salesman and you wanted to sell a magnifying glass, you could use the slogan "enhance the perception / of your erection", and sell it to men! Plenty of that on the internet, that kind of thing. Use a telescope, enhance your perception, or perhaps you could use that slogan to sell coffee, albeit that there is no link between coffee and potency. It's odd, really... in that it's hard to think about alcohol without thinking about erections, and it's hard to think about cocaine and heroin without thinking about erections, but you never really make the connection between coffee and erections, and sex? It's not an aphrodisiac, coffee is not an aphrodisiac, and you can't rub it into your erection or inject it into your erection, it doesn't impede the process of erection. But then again no-one really connects cigarettes with erections; or rather the act of ingesting cigarette smoke, no-one connects the act of ingesting cigarette smoke with erections. Plenty of people connect the shape of cigars with erections and also the act of smoking, indeed many people find it sexy to watch women smoke, like in the old films; but not the consumption of smoke, that's... it doesn't affect me. To think about it, to watch it. I don't smoke.

I could sacrifice so much, I could live without so much. I need the kettle lead in order to plug in some speakers which I have bought from the internet, they were cheap, but the ones I have - which were also cheap - well the ones I have, the right speaker is no longer as loud as the left speaker, so I find myself having to sit closer to the right speaker than I sit to the left speaker, and that's can't be good, can it? I'll get cancer, or it'll upset my equilibrium. It'll. It. It will. It, I'll eat you.

"Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men. For though the world has stood up and stopped the bastard, the bitch that bore him is in heat again."