This is a quote from the first episode in the Chris Morris series 'Brass Eye'. The series flawlessly employed every cliché and nuance of British current affairs broadcasting to the extent that a viewer glancing casually at the screen would almost certainly believe that they were watching a news report or documentary.

Each episode had a theme. The broad theme of the episode which this particular quote comes from was animal rights. Entitled 'animals', it was first aired in January 1997. Needless to say where Morris is concerned, it was utterly merciless and painfully funny.

Interior. Dinner party. (Guests talking)

Guest1 : "... Exactly! The way they are crushed inside those lorries..."

Guest 2 : "...vets hit them with planks. Vets!"

Guest 3 : "...and hormones make them so huge they're in agony!"

Morris : "Listen, boo hoo about calves, they do that with crabs. I don't see you weeping about crabs."

Guest 2 : "Well I think every animal has as much right to decent treatment as we do."

Morris : "You're WRONG and you're a GROTESQUELY UGLY FREAK"

(Stunned silence)

Morris (with a satisfied air) : "Thanks."

    Further reading:
  • fondue has kindly pointed out an exceptionally good Chris Morris site at which has a broad selection of Morris-related content. I very highly recommend it.
  • "Glebe's Thrift Funnel" at has a full transcript of episodes 1, 5, and 6 of Brass Eye and some other Chris Morris related content.

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