You show me yours and I'll show you mine, right?

I am not drawing a goddamn drawing of how I like my clitoris touched because hello, it's like dancing. It's not the same alone as with another person. It's not the same today as yesterday. It won't be the same tomorrow. I am not a goddamn robot, I don't come with an instruction book, and I am not the same day to day.

Our culture says to women that they will know their true love because the sex will be out of this world and to men that they ought to be able to make it out of this world.

Gentlemen, my advice is read a Harlequin Romance. And a trashy romance. And a couple more. Read some chick lit. Read some soft porn written for women.

I have a male friend who was bemoaning that when he says that he's a Cave Man, it doesn't scare women off. My response was a joking "Take me away on your boat, baby."

He said, "Why do women always say that?"

Me: "Do you really not know?"

Him: "No!"

Me: "When you say, watch out, I am a Cave Man, you are invoking every stupid romance novel and trope that our culture attempts to brainwash women with. The good, beautiful and innocent virginal princess, to be won by the prince, the Cave Man, the hero, the guy on the horse who will carry her off."

The Harlequin Romance has a virginal woman, isolated, family either dead or cruel, who encounters an older experienced cynical rich man. They argue/fight and dislike each other. But they are overwhelmed by....something. Hormones? The penis and vagina? The ovaries and testicles? Pheromones? TRUE LOVE? and they have sex. I read one that appeared in the library box where the man THANKS the woman for BEING A VIRGIN. Fuck me running. I threw it across the room. Ok, he has not married her, has sex with her, THANKS. Then, because it's a Harlequin Romance, they have a few more trials and misunderstandings and he proposes. Happily fucking ever after.

So: the woman "knows" that he is the one because true love = lust = a true virginal princess will only let her castle moat be broached by THE ONE. This is not a healthy view of sex. Nor does it encourage figuring out where one's clitoris is, what one likes, or how to use/play with/enjoy it. Does Cinderella masturbate while waiting for the prince? Hell, no. She dutifully cleans and scrubs, takes abuse from the bitch step sisters and never complains.

Meanwhile our stupid culture tells boys that they should score, satisfy and avoid being vulnerable. Boast. Grab them by the pussy. And you'd better satisfy her, else you a boy, not a man. And you aren't supposed to be a virgin and you'd better not be dissatisfied or ejaculate too soon.

Ok, so with my friend, I suggested he read a Harlequin Romance. To understand. He refused. He's too manly to read women's stuff. One of the annoying things about our culture is that separation. He complains that he doesn't understand but then he makes no effort. When I went through high school history, women's history pretty much was ignored. Lincoln freed the slaves, we were all over anti-slavery, but the parallel women's movement, Sojurner Truth, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, that was all ignored. Women got the vote. Pretty much a one-liner. And lots of other history is surpressed and igonored. I want the book from this blog post, because it's a huge piece of history that I know nothing about. And look at these beautiful photographs: Indonesian Muslim women beauty contest reciting the Quran. Ok, that is another area of ignorance for me.

I think it's less scary for two people to HAVE sex with each other in our culture than to TALK about sex. TALKING about sex is vulnerable. And men are trained in one language for sex and women in another.

When I got divorced and started dating, I was interested in a guy. Eventually I brought up sexually-transmitted disease testing: like, ok, before we have sex. He was shocked.

Me: "Don't people talk about and get STD testing before being with a new partner?"

Him: "I have NEVER discussed that before being with someone."

Me: "Well, I am a doc, so I am going to. And I discuss sexuality with patients and ask about sexually transmitted disease testing. So I am used to it and take it seriously. Let me know if you are interested."

The Disney Princess crap and the romances still say to women that the virgin who meets her true love and marries before sex, well, that's the highest form of love. And we start with the little girls, remember? Ok, the princes seem pretty virginal too, in the Disney world. But they are out killing dragons or finding genies or exploring or doing something, not waiting and talking to mice and birds. Disney is changing slowly: I enjoyed both Moana and Frozen. What do little boys learn first about sex? Do they long to be virgins and find their true love? If they get that from Disney movies too, when and how does it change?

If someone were seriously to ask me to draw a diagram of how I like my clitoris touched, I would want them to do the same thing. What I want is communication. I want to play. I want to have the other person be interested in what I want right now and I want to know what they want right now. I want to meet somewhere in the middle, but it will never be the same place twice, because we will never be in exactly the same mood or day or moment twice. Otherwise we would be robots going through the motions, tab A in slot B, bored out of our minds.....

Lily Allen 22

many thanks for the ongoing discussion!

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