Granny panties are never for show. You could wear them at any age, but if you wear them as a young woman you will not want anyone else to know about it. They are chosen for comfort and maximum coverage. They may or may not have old bloodstains, might have pops in the elastic, and might even have little flowers all over, turning half of your torso into a cottony private garden. We are not talking bikini cut. We are not talking thong. These will surely go past the belly button, and might even be extended past the chin, though they would certainly not be worn that way, up on the chin like that. That is just wrong, the sort of thing you would only do for humor. Maybe just a personal joke for yourself in the bathroom mirror. If you show anyone this hilarious trick you can do with your bloomers it will be your sister at a cottage on vacation, in the middle of nowhere when ordinary logic seems suspended anyhow. Or perhaps maybe your husband, if you have been together for more than ten years and have reached a stage where you could fart in front of one another without blushing or pretending it was the dog.

If you are wearing your granny panties (when pronounced this is a perfect rhyme, granny pannys) you are doing so for physical comfort. You are hoping the whole time that you will not get into a car accident. If someone in the ER has to cut you out of your clothing you hope that you would have cute panties on, even if the accident causes you to shit yourself. Because shit is a natural result of impact, but granny panties are a choice you made on purpose, and it is supposed to be a secret. Especially if there are any bloodstains you could not soak out from previous menstrual mishaps.

Granny panties can also prevent sudden sex. Say you are going out on a date with a guy you have just met and you do not want to have sex even though you are lonely and feeling needy. He turns out to be very charming, knows that foreplay starts with vocal tones, woos you in just the right way, maybe runs his finger up your forearm or breaths lightly on the back of your neck, and later there is some indication that you might jump in the sack for a little hey hey, well the granny in your pants will prevent all of this. If any attention dips to the nether regions you will leap up like a Catholic schoolgirl and either flee to the bathroom to remove your voluminous undergarments before he can see your practical side, or you will excuse yourself and go home to eat a pint of good ice cream. Once home you may look back and think, “Wow, what was I thinking, almost sleeping with that attractive stranger on our first date! Thanks granny!”

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