Childhood sexual encounter
I am the author of this. These are my experiences. Drop me a message if you have a desire to regarding this. Flame me, whatever. Maybe I deserve it. Lemme know if parts need clarification as well.
My mother told me a few weeks ago that
my Junior year high school history teacher told her that I displayed
attributes of a child who was sexually abused. I laughed. My
mother was concerned, but she had no reason to be. I was never an
exemplary student as far as grades and behavior went, but none of
this is because I was sexually abused.
This comment stuck in my head for some
time. I gave it some thought, only because I have lately been
interested in the psychology of myself. Was there an event in my
life that caused me to act out on occasion, or to not put forth any
effort at school? The teacher was right, I did display some
behavioral problems sometimes associated with sexual abuse. This is
the point when I remembered all the sexual encounters of my childhood.
I do not have a definition of sexual
abuse. I do not know if the actions that will be described to the
reader constitute sexual abuse, molestation, or natural boyhood
curiosity. It is left to you, the reader, to decide. There will not
be speculation about how these events have affected my life either,
for I cannot even begin to ponder that.
Grade school, 4th grade
A new kid moved
into my upper-middle class neighborhood. There were not many
children living in my neighborhood, so this was a big event. Making
the event even more important was that this child was as old as me.
I promptly went over to introduce myself as my mother thought I
should. His name, as all others, is obfuscated here. He is referred
to as N. N and I met and became friends. N was not like the other
children I knew from school, he had a bad side to him. He got in
trouble occasionally. His parents were different than my parents and
the parents of my friends. Only now can the difference be partially
identified--N's parents are "bad" as well. They are not
quality people. There is no evidence to support this, but this is
what I remember from meeting them in 4th grade.
N and I hung out
often. Not every day, but close to that often. I sometimes ignored
his bad side, sometimes wondered about it. N's bad side was not an
issue in our relationship, it never showed its head in my presence
until I asked for it.
N and I were
bored. I had become interested in his bad side, and thought that it
could provide some entertainment. I told N I wanted to be bad. I
wanted to do something evil. After a few suggestions, N said that we
should "show butts." I inquired as to what this involved,
and it was just as the activity's title predicted. We were to show
each other our buttocks to ease the boredom. Even now I can remember
the tone of N's voice when he made this suggestion. It was as if he
had been waiting to work this into the conversation for weeks, a
I agreed to show
N my buttocks. He did the same for me. This activity was
titilating; I had never done anything like this before. I was being
bad, and it was quite a bit of fun. This was unexplored territory.
It was sexual. It was bad. It was fantastic.
We did this many
more times, and each time we explored more of each other's body.
There was never any conventional sexual activity, only looking and
occasionally touching. After the first few times of N leading me, I
took over. I asked that we move from seeing and occasionally touching
each other's buttocks to the penis. N allowed me to explore his
penis, but still stayed fascinated with my buttocks, and still
requested me to enjoy his buttocks. I complied. We both met each
I remember one
debate (a 4th grade version of a debate) about which was
better, the penis or the buttocks. I favored the penis, my 4th grade level reasoning
being that later in life when I have sexual encounters with females,
they will have buttock areas I can enjoy. This may the only time I
am able to enjoy a penis. We kept pleasing each other and ourselves
in the way each of us liked. This kept up for approximately 5
On the 6th
session, we locked ourselves in N's shed. N urinated in a bucket of
water in front of me, then dumped the bucket of water on me, claiming
to have poured out the urine first. I knew this was not possible,
and called him on it. I believe that urinating in the bucket was
mildly sexual for N, but not dumping it on me. That was just because
encounter was in my basement. This is the only time I ever felt
strange being half naked and sexual with N. Both of us had our pants
down, and he requested I spank him. I did not want to, but did
anyway. He then requested I spank him with objects. The first
object was something plastic, I do not remember what. The second
object was a 2x4. I refused to hit him as hard as he wanted for two
reasons. The first reason was that it felt strange, we had crossed
some sort of line in my head between "fun being bad" and
something else. The second reason was that if I had spanked him as
hard as he wanted with the 2x4, I could very well have hurt him.
strangeness, I was still titilated by our encounters. They did not
happen every time we were around each other, but the frequency was
increasing as per my request. I made a tent in my room out of a
refrigerator box. I showed this to numerous people because I was
proud of constructing it. When I showed it to N, I told him it was
so we could "show butts" in it. He did a 180 degree turn
on me, and became disgusted with the idea of "showing butts"
with me. We never did again.
Not long after
my encounters with N, I turned to someone else to satisfy my desire
to be sexual. Keep in mind, this sexual desire was not very sexual
at all. At the time, I was not even able to seperate sexual feelings
from other exciting ones. I wanted the sexual encounters only
because it was fun. I had no sex drive at all, I rarely masturbated,
but it was after N that I started to masturbate more often. There
was never orgasm or anything close to it. I was not that mature yet,
and would not be for some time.
The next target
I chose to sexually explore was MC. This exploration was minor. One
day while he was over, I pulled down my pants and told him he could
do the same if he desired. He inquired as to why I pulled my pants
down, and my reply was, "Men can see men, it's OK." Seeing
my logic, he removed his pants as well, and we proceeded to make
prank phone calls, something I found exciting as well because it was
a bad thing to do. After or during this, I announced I had to use
the bathroom, and urinated a small amount onto the floor of my
closet, as N had done in the bucket. MC thought my mother would be mad, but I ensured him that
she would not mind. MC urinated a small amount after I warned him to
only urinate a bit as I had. The urination was not sexual
for me, I do not know why I did it.
MC and I may
have removed our pants on another occasion after this, but if so it
was the same situation. We were men at work making prank phone calls
and might as well remove our pants because there was no reason not
to. The main exciter was the prank phone calls; the lack of pants
was secondary but still important.
After MC came J.
J was a friend of my brother, therefore he was two or three years
younger than I. I targeted J for two reasons, the first being
because he was convenient; he was at my house often, the second being
because I did not like him. I really had only a minor dislike of
him, but I ended up using hate as an excuse to act out sexually on
him. As punishment, I would grab his crotch. As this happened more
and more often, I would threaten to bite his penis while having my
mouth around it. This was not oral sex, but it was a 5th
grade version of oral sex where the objective was not to stimulate J,
but just for my own pleasure.
Sometimes J went
along with it, sometimes not. He never outright objected, but most
of the time he did not participate. I can only remember two
instances where he participated. The first was when J and my brother
were camping in the backyard. J "cut the cheese," and I
used this as an opportunity to get close to his buttocks. I claimed
to want to smell the air that was emitted from this act. I went
under the blanket and bit his buttocks. After some time of this
activity, I inserted a small candy stick into his anus. J allowed
all these actions to take place. After this act, we singed the candy
sticks with a lighter and pretended they were cigarettes, another
"bad" act. More sexual activity occurred, but nothing that
can be specifically remembered.
The other time J
participated was another sleep-over night. After bringing him into a
room to orally "discipline" him, we all got in the rollout
bed in the basement to watch TV. I attempted to fondle J, and he
went as far as to unzip his pants to allow me to do so. He also made
an attempt to fondle me, but I would not let him. My penis had begun
to grow as a result of entering puberty, his had not, so I was embarrassed. This
was the first time I experienced pre-ejaculate fluid. I was not sure
what to make of it, but I remember finding it interesting.
This may have
been the last time that J and I acted sexually on one another. I
started growing out of enjoying these sexual encounters and developed the
beginnings of a concience about what I could then start to realize was
The Last Encounter
If you have not
determined me to be a sexual predator yet, this may cause you to. I
was 14 years old at the time this occurred. I was hired to baby-sit
two children, ages approximately 9 and 11. They were being bad, not
horribly bad, but still bad. Their punishments were to go to their
rooms. Both received sexually inspired spankings. The 9 year old
and I wrestled as a result of this punishment, but we both understood
the wrestling was only for fun. We were not really fighting. During
the wrestling, I made many "accidental" sexual contacts
with the 9 year old. After this, the 11 year old requested use of
the bathroom. I told him that I did not believe he had to use the
bathroom, so I watched him do his business in the bathroom. This was
sexually inspired as well. I knew what I was doing with these kids
was wrong. I admit to that, but this was happening during a time when my sense of right and wrong was still being developed, so I did
not know exactly how wrong this act was at the time.
Turning down DA
DA was another
"bad" kid. We were friends in 6th grade. At a sleep-over, he tried to force sexual activity on me. The method cannot be recalled, but he attempted to force this sexual activity on
me until I was able to convince him that I did not want these activities. To this day I do not know why I turned him down, given my past. The best guess I can come up with is that I wanted to be the one to suggest sexual activity. Another possibility is that this occurred during the time that I was starting to move away from sexual relations with J because I was developing this conscience and was no
longer interested in sexual activity with other boys.
On My Own
After J, I
discovered masturbation. Before I was able to orgasm I would get
near climax and urinate into a sock. Now I know this was to simulate
a release, all I knew then was that it felt good. My first orgasm
came shortly after. I masturbated about once a day, sometimes
skipping days and sometimes making up ground by masturbating twice in
During the J
episodes, I had a girlfriend. She was a bit of a bad girl. She
smoked. After being in this relationship for some time, she wanted
me to kiss her, but I never wanted to. I was scared. After some
time, we did kiss, but it was never made into a habit. I did not
have sexual feelings towards her. This trend continued, there was no
sexual activity with any girlfriends, even regularly occurring
kissing, until well into high school. Girlfriends complained about
it, I dealt with the complaints. The first girl I ever had any real
sexual activity with was L, whom I was with from Sophmore year until
Junior year of high school. This was the first girl I wanted to have
sexual relations with, and we did. It took quite some time for us to
agree to have sex, but we made a steady progression towards it.
After 6 months in the relationship, we attempted sex in L's van. I
only agreed because I loved L (without being able to fully understand
love.) During this attempt, my penis would not stay erect. It
functioned perfectly during masturbation and sexual activity between
L and I, but when it came to insertion, no such luck.
L and I broke
up, and I became involved with A some time later. The relationship
with A was not very special, not like L and I had, but we stayed
together for a long time regardless. After about 7 months, the topic
of sex was brought up, even though we never went very far in
maneuvers leading up to sex. We both thought it would be a good
idea, so we attempted it. Same story, my penis did not work. A was
supportive, but did not go out of her way to ease my embarrassment.
A dumped me shortly thereafter. I was devastated, but only because
we had been together for so long. I recovered in quick time.
There were a few
girlfriends after A, but no one remarkable. Then came JK. I met JK
while I was 18. JK and I connected on a very deep level as soon as
we met, and we had sex on our second or third "date." My
penis did not work, but JK was very understanding, and went out of
her way to try to make it work. She did make it work, she made something click
in my head. We had sex, wonderful sex, and stayed together for close
to a year. What clicked? I don't know, but JK was able to offer the
support I needed to work past whatever problem I had with my penis refusing to remain erect.
I am entertained
by pornography depicting urination. I have no desire to carry this
through to sexual activity in real life, however. It is just something entertaining in a world filled with women in porn who all look the same to me I am also
entertained by pornography depicting women smoking, but again, I have no
desire to have sex with a woman smoking in real life. I have a mild
fascination with buttocks. These are the only "fetish-like"
attributes I have in my sexual life. These may be due to my childhood sexual experiences, the urination from N, the buttock
interest from N, but the smoking interest may come from my mother,
who smoked while I was a child; often-times provoking images of me being cool and grown up enjoying a smoke. Even more interesting, I have never yet gotten off on a blow job given to me by a female. I don't NOT enjoy it, however; it just does not provoke orgasm in me. I enjoy (to the point most men enjoy) giving oral sex to females. Speculation is left to the reader if all these do in fact come from my childhood.
relations with N caused me to have sexual relations with the other
children. Keep in mind, I was a child at the time too. Am I a sexual predator? Am I a victim? This I do not know.
I believe I have done nothing wrong because I did not know right
from wrong at the time, and had I not sexually related to N, I would
not have sexually related to the other people that I did. Had this
behavior continued past the time that it ended, then I would believe
myself to be guilty of wrong-doing, but the behavior stopped as I matured and developed a conscience.
Me, as of now
I am now what
would generally be considered a normal person. I am not gay, I am
not promiscuous. I am 19 and have had sex once in my life. The
relationships with L and JK proved to me that I have a void in my
head that needs to be filled by an emotionally intimate relationship
with another person, a void I believe others do not have, but this
void could be a result of an extremely strained relationship with my
parents, not because of the childhood sexual encounters.
How did all this
childhood sexual activity affect my life while growing up? Did it
cause me to have small behavior problems and grade problems in high
school? Does it affect me now? I cannot answer these questions. The
reader of this may have some opinions based on experience or based on
guesses, and that is their right. The reader can form opinions about this easier than I can; I cannot see myself from the outside. I leave it to the reader to judge my
actions and the effects this has had on my life. Maybe I am a monster. Maybe I am normal. I don't know.