It's 5:30 in the morning
. I haven't slept
for 2 days. I'm defrag
ging my disk.
...and you're dead
It takes a long time to defrag 20 gigs, especially since all I've been doing for the last few weeks is grabbing multimedia files from usenet. Talk about fragmentation!
...you died alone, and cold, and afraid
Staring at the shifting patterns of data, all those pretty colored blocks, it's fascinating. It definitely makes things more efficient once it's done and over with. I wish I could do the same thing to my head. Then maybe I could sleep.
...I'm afraid to sleep. You haunt me. You're dead.
I'm not really sure how to interpret the last few weeks events. I've never had a friend become a heroin addict before. I've never had a friend kill himself before. I've never had to feel responsible for a friend's death before. I never meant to hurt you. I've never done this much speed before.
...I'm afraid to sleep. I'm afraid I killed you.
I wonder about the power of computers these days. You hook up broadband, a fast computer, a CD burner and a DVD drive, and you can pretty much kiss socialization goodbye. I mean, I haven't even talked to anyone in about 2 weeks (Have I even talked at all?) ... but I have watched every single episode of Voyager and Friends. Now I'm working on Babylon 5. Which is, of course, why I'm defragging my disk.
...I'm running away. I don't want to live with this guilt, but I don't want to die.
I wonder how much time I've wasted, staring at the computer while it does some important but cpu-hogging task. I'm supposed to be the intelligent one, but I just sit here, slack-jawed, while I wait for for the machine to tell me it's ready for me. I'm ... on hold.
...am I waiting to die? Am I killing myself?
It's been kinda strange, with no one around. Everyone's gone, off working in strange parts of the world, or making a name for themselves up north
and I don't have anything else better to do than defrag my hard drive.
I wish he were here. I'd take it all back. I'd rather have someone alive who's weak than someone who's dead because I was the last person to turn my back on them.
...too late now.
God, he must have been so afraid, so alone, so cold, so scared. And now so am I
Ah, the disk's done. Now I can get back to work. Good thing, I hate just sitting here waiting and ... thinking.
...the last time I saw you, you were on the beach. And you were dead.