....true, they promise
all the secrets
to those deep, much-pondered teenage girl
questions -- will you have a boyfriend
? Does your crush
like you? Are you over your guy? Is he cheating
on you? Are you a moron
for buying this magazine? (Answer: yes) -- but they're always written exactly the same way:
When you are in the library researching your essay on the ozone layer and you're sitting at a study desk and your crush is sitting two desks over from you, and you wave to him, he:
a. immediately jumps up and gives you a passionate kiss
b. glares and says, "fuck off, bitch!"
c. says, "do I know you?"
Then, come the shocking results:
If you picked mostly A's:
Congratulations, girl! You have a boyfriend in your future/your crush likes you/your guy isn't cheating on you. Glad that you have a successful relationship, and we hope you'll buy lots more magazines to inflate your ego.
If you picked mostly B's:
Unfortunately, you probably don't have a boyfriend in your future/your guy doesn't like you/he might be cheating on you. You might want to have an honest discussion with him. Better buy more magazines for relationship advice.
If you picked mostly C's:
He's pretty hard to figure out. But this magazine can help!
My sister reads these magazines sometimes, which is why I've been exposed to them. It's apalling. This is an institution that promotes airheadism.