Since I just got fired from Toys R Us, I have something in common with many other people my age.

I have no money.

I can't afford my own car. So, I get to use the family minivan. Hooray. Well, being a teenage driver, I like to go fast, when I can. And I mean fast.

This past weekend I visited my friends at college, and on the way there, I had to drive down a lengthy section of 476. It was about 11:30 at night, so there were very few people on the road. There was my chance: the left lane was clear, for miles ahead. Signalling, I pulled into the 'high-speed' lane, and grinned at my friends.

I floored the fucker.

Fortunately for me, the 'rents had decided to opt for the 3.0L V6, so at least my Windstar had some huevos behind it. The engine whined through the second and third gear (gotta love 4-speed automatic overdrive), and once the speedometer hit 70, the van lurched ahead as it kicked into overdrive.

And the fun began. The engine was already purring along at some high-RPM (we had no tach), and I was steadily increasing from 70 upwards. Once the van passed the 80 mark, the entire steering column started to bounce up and down. No biggie, I said. My friends looked at me with concern. "This won't fall apart," I said, confidently, "it's a '96." They weren't impressed.

It was then that the most unusual sensation came over the entire van. Apparently, at 85 MPH, the 1996 Ford Windstar becomes the world's fastest and heaviest vibrator. If any of my friends had been female, they would have surely gotten off. The whole foundation of the van shook rapidly, rattling the door seams and making a rather peculiar howling noise rip through the car. By the time I realized I was most likely voiding the warranty, I was approaching 95, maybe 100 MPH. God knows what the hell would fall off the van at those speeds.

I had to slow down, though, since my exit was coming up on the far right. What did we learn so far?

Once I get the opportunity to go 100+ MPH (hey, the speedometer goes to 120) I'll post my findings.

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