The following sketch is massively offensive, and if you're of a nervous disposition, you probably shouldn't read it. Seriously, I've warned you, so if you ignore me, don't complain. Nevertheless, in my defence, I'd like to say the following 3 things:
1) None of this is my idea. It all came out of a conversation with some evil people. I just turned it into a sketch
2) I've watched Chris Morris
several times, and it has deeply traumatised
Lunchtime in a busy London pub. GARY is sitting at a table, biting his fingernails and looking
stressed. His friend MIKE joins them, holding two pints
What did you want to talk about, mate? You look
I dunno, mate. I'm going through something really
weird. I haven't slept in weeks. I just ... look, can I
You're my best mate! Of course you can trust me. I
want to help you, man, I'm worried about you
Well, you know I've had a few bad relationships in the
past, and I haven't quite gotten over Nicky, and lately
I've been getting these weird feelings. Just like, walking
down the street and stuff. I find myself looking at...
different types of people. Oh god, I can't believe I'm telling
you this. I've been finding myself attracted to...certain
types of people I never would have looked at before.
People of a different age group.
What are you trying to tell me, Gary?
Mike, I'm starting to think that I'm not a paedophile.
WHAT?!? Oh come on mate, that's bollocks!
I've been telling myself that, but I just don't --
Come on, you're the biggest, hardest, red-blooded pervert
I just can't help looking at women, Gary. Proper, full-grown
adult women, with boobs and everything. I've even been
thinking about what it would be like to be with a girl who had,
you know, had her carpets fitted.
Oh god, that's sick!. That's so completely wrong, I don't want to
hear another word or I'm going to have to walk out.
I know, I feel like I'm sick, but I can't get these thoughts out of
my head. Even last week, when I was looking at my old videos of
CD:UK and trying to knock one out, I couldn't stop looking at
Look, mate, you don't want to be this guy. Put all of these weird
twisted thoughts out of your head. You are a proper, proud
kiddie-fiddler. You're just confused right now cause you've
been hurt in the past.
I don't know
It's not your fault, Gary. You just haven't met the right child yet.
But remember what Jonathan always says.
"There's plenty more roe in the sea."
Maybe you're right.
Course I'm right. Here, what about her over there. She's been
giving you the eye.
They look across at a 7-year old girl who's playing with her toys and drinking a Sprite,
minding her own business.
I reckon you should have a go
Gary begins to smile shyly
Go for it!
GARY gets up, holding his pint, and walks over to the little girl.
Hello there. Er, can I buy you a drink?
MIKE gives him a big thumbs-up.