The following sketch is massively offensive, and if you're of a nervous disposition, you probably shouldn't read it. Seriously, I've warned you, so if you ignore me, don't complain. Nevertheless, in my defence, I'd like to say the following 3 things:

1) None of this is my idea. It all came out of a conversation with some evil people. I just turned it into a sketch

2) I've watched Chris Morris's Jam several times, and it has deeply traumatised me.

3) Yarrr

Lunchtime in a busy London pub. GARY is sitting at a table, biting his fingernails and looking 
stressed. His friend MIKE joins them, holding two pints
     What did you want to talk about, mate? You look 
     really stressed.

     I dunno, mate. I'm going through something really 
     weird. I haven't slept in weeks. I just ... look, can I 
     trust you?

     You're my best mate! Of course you can trust me. I 
     want to help you, man, I'm worried about you

     Well, you know I've had a few bad relationships in the 
     past, and I haven't quite gotten over Nicky, and lately 
     I've been getting these weird feelings. Just like, walking 
     down the street and stuff. I find myself looking at...
     different types of people. Oh god, I can't believe I'm telling
     you this. I've been finding myself attracted to...certain 
     types of people I never would have looked at before. 
     People of a different age group.

    What are you trying to tell me, Gary?

    Mike, I'm starting to think that I'm not a paedophile.

    WHAT?!? Oh come on mate, that's bollocks!

    I've been telling myself that, but I just don't --

    Come on, you're the biggest, hardest, red-blooded pervert
    I know.

    I just can't help looking at women, Gary. Proper, full-grown 
    adult women, with boobs and everything. I've even been 
    thinking about what it would be like to be with a girl who had,
    you know, had her carpets fitted.

    Oh god, that's sick!. That's so completely wrong, I don't want to
    hear another word or I'm going to have to walk out.

    I know, I feel like I'm sick, but I can't get these thoughts out of 
    my head. Even last week, when I was looking at my old videos of 
    CD:UK and trying to knock one out, I couldn't stop looking at 
    Cat Deely.
     That's disgusting.

     I know!

     Look, mate, you don't want to be this guy. Put all of these weird
     twisted thoughts out of your head. You are a proper, proud 
     kiddie-fiddler. You're just confused right now cause you've 
     been hurt in the past.

     I don't know

     It's not your fault, Gary. You just haven't met the right child yet. 
     But remember what Jonathan always says.

     "There's plenty more roe in the sea."


     Maybe you're right.

     Course I'm right. Here, what about her over there. She's been 
     giving you the eye.

They look across at a 7-year old girl who's playing with her toys and drinking a Sprite, 
minding her own business.

     I reckon you should have a go

Gary begins to smile shyly

     You think?

     Go for it!

GARY gets up, holding his pint, and walks over to the little girl.

     Hello there. Er, can I buy you a drink?

MIKE gives him a big thumbs-up.


Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.