I'm a sap
.. I like this boy.. anyway.. thats not what is on my mind..
I have this image.. which is me..
what I want to be.. I saw this woman today.. she was.. can we say.. a bit overweight.. ok.. she was "fat..
like orca fat
" to quote Kevin Spacey
in The Usual Suspects
.. If i ever got like that I would probably kill
myself.. not because I am so vain.. but because I am insecure
.. I am a fool.. putting my fears up here.. but
I was drinking last weekend with all my friends.. and someone called me over.. i fell onto their lap..
and all i could think instead of just hugging them .. was "oh my god.. they are thinking she is a blimp and is
crushing me.." i would never judge someone.. on something so fucking
superfical.. but at the same time I am scared to be hated on that.. im scared that a imperfection or being to heavy would make someone walk away from me.. part of me says "who wants someone so superfical around".. but
"im human.. and i need to be loved.. just like everybody else does" .. ok enough lyrics.. but it is true.. at least i
admit it.. im scared.. rejection is horrible
.. as the next month goes by.. i know i will be 20 lbs lighter.. and i
will say something like "i feel great.. i kick ass.." my confidence will soar.. i feel guilty about it.. but the guilt
will subside as i realize to the materialistic eye.. i am prettier.. am i foolish to think others feel this way too ..
but are just too scared to admit it.. i ate a fuckload while i was in seattle and chicago.. creme broulee..
pasta.. cheesecake.. but as soon as i returned home.. back to the guilty if i eat, guilty if i don't
driving to the dr.. knowing he would comment on how i had lost more weight.. so i wore my 5 lbs platforms
and i held my purse while i was on the scale.. "you lost another six pounds".. but at the same time.. i was
planning.. and dreaming.. and scheming because i knew i had to eat something for lunch because people
would be watching.. part of me glad.. glad i had an excuse to eat.. part of me pissed off because i had to
injest more food.. i dont throw up anymore.. stopped that in 8th grade.. ruined my voice.. but i know i can
live on v8
, sobe, and other liquids.. 5 liters of water a day.. and a fuck load of vitimins.. a few people know.. its
not a big secret.. but im healthy.. my blood tests are normal.. so maybe i am wrong feeling guilty.. i keep
myself healthy.. watch my levels and my blood pressure.. i excercise.. bleh back to watching my movie with