It all comes back to me now:

Shut down and out in the medical city that leaves everyday with seven-colours-gasoline shining on the pavement ... on the avenue packed with folk stars wearing handy-man tool belts ... in the carpet room with six-inch pad and paper crayons ... back in the single-file and staging the great escape, this is the big one ... clipping low and carefully the fields in case something important is missed ... in the birthing room all night and wasted on vitamin c ... down the river bed dry with years of abuse and happy kids ... starting every sentence with "let determined things to destiny hold unbewailed their way!" ... unwillingly leaving the narrative to take control ... giving up young boys to become an assistant professor ... shifting from reality to reality (presented with alternatives, but not choice) ... thinking perhaps all pleasure is relief ... blackmailing the human race with your mere existence ... gaining new dimensions in futility ... seeing men on all sides washed up in hopeless dead-end job offer acceptance check visa permits never came ... misplacing intensity for a second hand pair of shoes ... realizing that all business, shady or legit, is the same fucking headache ... slippin' up in acting classless and out of taste until someone else gets some ... not knowing the right words but wishing long and hard ... wanting another thing to need before the collections are full ... howling "go! go! go!" at 95mph crossing Montanta lime green inn and porn star ... skillfully coming to terms with infamy ... dropping twelve bucks and change on bullshit fun and strawberry pie ... going to other cities and having dwindling quantities mailed to you ... checking back with information never missed and always in demand ... making everything pay (that's my motto) ... tearing through minnesota to long awaited albert lea ... sitting up at 2am on back porch eating crackers ("bad fucking idea") ... learning that all learning will take care of itself ... yenning sick with the gapes "i needs my medicine" ... needing, needing mind you, an Advocate who can reach The Court ... looking like a communist to stupid people ... accumulating dossiers with an end-of-the-world feeling in the gut ... smiling blankly at questionnaires, pen in hand and thoughtless ... realizing that in the end people will do what they want to do, or the species will become extinct ... doing shots with bluebeard while the dropper slips away ... screaming "Bathtard thonsa bitches!" at syphilis ridden tenants ... approaching the ideal state of absolute impulsiveness ... slinking off to nightschool with two backpacks and an excuse... bolting out of the house yelling "i got the fear!" ... (oh) ... telling people straight it just ain't fitting to see such things ... reminding that 'human' itself is an adjective, and its use as a noun is in itself regrettable ... wanting to own things others were only renting ... filing letters under I Don't Want To Hear About It ... listening in on the real-time plans for the past, laying it out ... not justifying nothing to nobody, as though such notions were current ... trying to get into something before it gets into you ... getting turned on by a sincere lack of conclusions ... thinking more than you care to think about and knowing it ... basing all envy on the proposition, "I could be getting that." ... drinking hot chocolate on the front lawn and pretending it's coffee ... drinking coffee on the front lawn and pretending it's whiskey ... waking with hung-over slack-jawed roommates in wigs ... (throwing potato salad at CCNY lecturers on Dadaism and demanding instant lobotomy) ... secreting the spell of time and forgetting about it ... seeing chronological-hung photographs of rotting bodies ... knowing that all of this, any of this, none of this comes back to the two of you, junk sick and broke hitching on the Eastern Highway,

Going home.

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