Yesterday the tile guy came and took apart the back bathroom. I went in there a couple of times to see the progress. When he left I had a trailer full of trash and a bathroom that had been stripped down to the studs. I stood in there marveling at how homes are constructed and thanking God for that moment that I didn't dare to believe would ever come to pass. We went down in the basement to discuss how he would handle some projects down there. We have a spot in our basement where you can see daylight. It's a pinprick, but it's obviously not a good sign. The west wall has a crack in it that will need to be repaired. It's the kind of news that is upsetting to hear, but again I'm grateful that he pointed it out to me even if I don't have the power or resources to fix it myself, or believe me I would. Once your walls are compromised, you're basically screwed as a homeowner. We have a cement slab with an opening, he suggested building a very thin wall and hanging the door that we have in front of that because we'll still need access to that area even if we do cover it up. We can put insulation behind the wall to block drafts and prevent some of the rodents and insects that are getting into our house. Speaking of mice, I knew we had them, but I didn't know that they had taken up residence in the wall between the kitchen and back bathroom. I'm really glad I wasn't there when he had to pull out the nesting materials and vacuum up the feces. It smells pretty bad in there even after I soaked the bottom studs with a bleach solution. I have the fan in the back room running, the window in the bathroom open and essential oils going. I scrubbed the floor with soap and and bleach, but I think it's going to take a while for the smell to dissipate.

The girls left a big mess in the kitchen before they went to bed last night. I've been good about keeping the house cleaner. When I told the tile guy I needed to clean the garage he told me it wasn't that bad. It seems worse than it probably is to me because part of what I'm seeing and experiencing is the past efforts of mine being undone by others dumping their things in areas where I've cleaned and organized. Overall things are a lot better than they were. My sister said she was an emotional wreck after my parents got divorced. I was too. Right now we need some stability and boring routines. My mom was so overwhelmed and burdened by financial cares she didn't have a lot left over for us kids. Things could be a lot worse. I think they're going as well as can be expected given the circumstances. Sure there are things I wish I could do and more I want to undo, but every day we get more hope and courage and closer to self actualization. It's an evening's worth of dishes on the counter, not several days worth. The floors need to be swept, but we have a broom. It's still pretty cold here even this close to July. I took a very short walk this morning. I feel like I'm still stuck in some ways, but I think I need this time to decompress and just be. One item that I'm thrilled about is I finally got my health insurance paperwork in the mail. I had to fight for it, but I have it as of July first so I'm going to go in for a physical and remind myself that this is something others don't have and remember to be a humbler and more grateful person than I've been in the past.

I opened another utility bill yesterday. Thankfully it wasn't that bad. I don't think I did too badly my first month on my own, but there is some room for improvement for sure. I had such a good therapy session yesterday. It made me feel like I have a better grasp on the future even if nothing I'm doing now ends up going anywhere, I feel better about these changes in my life. Two of the main areas where I see that I could make some cutbacks are food and transportation. We have a tendency to just jump in the car and not plan our trips out so we're more efficient. Driving has become something of a luxury item and deep down I'm glad even though it's also hard to adjust to that philosophy. I know I could be riding my bike more and the girls too. That would give us some exercise we're not getting now, save wear and tear on my vehicle and make us stronger and more capable of facing other things in our lives. It's been really nice to wake up and see how things are coming together, slowly but surely, bit by bit. Some days I make more headway than others. There aren't too many days that go by where I don't get something done and that's exciting too. I feel like something big is going to happen, it may just be a feeling, but it's one I haven't had in a long time and that in and of itself is giving me a reason to celebrate. 

P.S. I went on Facebook and passed along my condolences to the family of my friend whose mom passed. That was really hard to do for several reasons so I'm glad that I was able to overcome my anger and take that necessary step forward. 

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