I keep worrying about things. Last night I couldn't sleep because I was so anxious. The tile guy is coming over in a few minutes and I'm nervous about that. I set out an extra large garbage can and a drop cloth, I can't believe this is really happening. I have therapy later this morning. The girls went yesterday and came home with a list of agreements their therapist wrote down for them. They apply to adults as well, I feel so much better knowing that they have someone to talk to about the things that may be bothering them. Yesterday was the first time they were in therapy together, I'd like more information on what they talk about, but I think sometimes it's okay to not know what is going on in their minds, and at their age, I can't know everything since the law protects their privacy. I wasn't very productive yesterday although I did run some garbage over to the condo on my way to Goodwill to drop off a few items we don't need anymore. I really want a book my friend recommended to me, but we have plenty of books here that I haven't read and I'm over budget for the month with four days to go including today.
My friend sent my sister a message to make sure that I knew that her mom had passed. I don't know how to feel about that. I haven't heard anything about funeral arrangements, I'd kind of like to go even though I know it will be really sad. Today is Friday, tomorrow will be Saturday, and this time I'm not looking forward to handing the girls off to their father even though having a quiet house to myself is something I enjoy. I miss the girls when they aren't around. Watching a movie with them the other night was a lot of fun and I so regret the time I didn't spend with them when they were younger. There were things I did with them when they were very small and small, but as they grew and things became more fractured and oppressive at home, I took a silent and selfish route. I read some more in my Anger-Free book last night although I was very overwhelmed by the quiz asking questions about my anger. It's easier to identify these days and it doesn't last nearly as long as it used to, the intensity is diminished too.
The tile guy just sent me a message to say that he's running late. I thought he was great when I first met him, but the communication and accountability is leaving a lot to be desired. I'm in a funny place right now. Last night I read a post on things you could do in your basement that a friend of mine tweeted. That got me to thinking about what I could do down there after I told him that I had always wanted a spa like setting with a sauna and a Japanese soaking tub. Immediately a series of rooms unfolded in my mind, but then I went downstairs and saw the black adhesive on the white walls that I would have to scrape away if I wanted to fill and seal them. It's not a wish that's so far out I think it's impossible, but the reality is right now I don't have money for that and this isn't my house anymore even though it feels more like mine than it ever has. A while ago I read the three questions you can ask someone to see how compatible you would be if you decided to start dating. I may have written about this before, but it's on my mind again so I'm revisiting it.
This might be me indulging my romantic side without an appreciation for how difficult this would be, but I think that I would love to live on a sailboat for a while. I'm sure there would be things I don't like about it, but it's something to think about at odd moments when I'm wondering what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. There's something about the economical efficiency of life on a boat that makes sense to me. I'd also like a tiny house, that's probably more practical than a sailboat, I've always liked small spaces and I could design a house that's just my size where everything isn't manufactured with the average person who is much taller than I am in mind as the end consumer. Tiny houses can run into more money than I'm prepared to spend, but I know that there are plans that can be put together very affordably and if I could find a spot to park it on, maybe even a sliver of the plot we have now, I think that could be a solution to some of my housing concerns. Houses are a lot of work. The bigger the house is, the more work it is because you have to clean and maintain it. I'm happy I have the option to live here, but there's an undeniable grind to the upkeep that I'm ready to be done with soon.
I feel kind of lazy drowsy tired today. I'm kind of nervous about therapy for no good reason because I like my therapist and know that this is money well spent. But it is money and I have to be cognizant of every cent now which is actually what I should have been doing all along. I'm eating grapes and a cheese stick for breakfast. The girls are eating the roast I made. I bought too many groceries and the wrong kind, but again, I'm treating it as a live and learn situation where I see past mistakes and build on and learn from those errors. I've done some right things to so I don't want to be too hard on myself, it's just that I tend to focus on the areas where I have more room for improvement. I'll get there sooner or later, I just need to be clearer about my goals so a better path emerges. I'm not a person who breaks down big projects into smaller steps well so I'm going to ask my sister if she can help me since that's a strength of hers. For now this is farewell and I hope that your day is bright and beautiful even if there are some clouds in your particular sky.