Yesterday the girls and I moved the TV. I remember the day it appeared in the house, the girls were very excited about it and I wondered why I hadn't been consulted before it arrived. We used to have a TV stand. I never liked that so we sold it for a fraction of what we paid for it. Now the TV is sitting on the fireplace and it seems incredible to me that I missed this monstrously simple solution earlier. It sits lower than I'd like, but I feel like moving it was a great accomplishment that we can take credit for and I learned something new about myself. I don't hate watching movies or TV, I hate sitting next to people who are unpredictable and mean to me. I sat on the loveseat with the girls watching a movie and it was one of those experiences that wasn't perfect, but I will always treasure. The girls played school yesterday. Jill wore a white dress shirt of mine and a pair of black pants. They put a book of fairy tales in a bag that I think I'm going to use more often than I actually do. I went to the store for gluten free flour and Jill made cornbread muffins and put the remainder of the batter into a very small loaf pan. She said the muffins were tough, but the flavor was very good.

The girls left the dishes on the counter. I should have made them do them this morning, but part of my routine is washing up whatever is left and I have that tile guy coming over at eight. We've gotten a lot done around the house, things that others may not notice or care about, but they make me feel that much better. My eyes are very sticky today. I think it's from eating the muffins and not drinking enough water. After the TV was hooked up I put in a yoga DVD and resolved to never let myself go like this again. I couldn't finish the beginning intro part, but I reminded myself that these small starts can lead to greater gains down the road. I threw in a load of laundry, I have a list of things I need to do today and a top priority is cleaning off the kitchen counter that I covered with things I was sorting. I will be eternally grateful when I have a better system for housework and paperwork, I've been working on it, but there's so much from the past and I have some trouble at times figuing out a better way to manage incoming and outgoing paperwork. My ex called last night. I was very tired so my attitude wasn't the best. All day I had felt really good about what we had done, then he called and I felt myself slipping back into my old mindset and becoming very snippy.

The other day Jane scratched Jill's face because she was mad at her. I talked to both of them about it very briefly. Today I'm going to have them finish washing the window sills, there's a couple they missed the other day. I have woodwork that needs to be washed, it seems like there's always something to do when you own a home that has been badly neglected for so many years. I vacuumed the rug and the carpeting in the living room. The windows need to be washed, there's a short ladder at the condo that I need to get, but to do that I need the larger vehicle and he's been driving it for the past week or so. Normally it sits in the driveway. This is something unanticipated and I'm not sure how to feel about it. Mostly I'm bewildered just like I frequently am when things that happen aren't what I expected. It makes me feel very stupid and naive, but I guess that's better than the alternative. A lot of the time I don't know I'm being manipulated. I tend to see the best in others and misread certain cues. Like the time I mentioned essential oils and someone asked me where I bought them. I assumed they were generally interested in information and they wanted to try and sell me something.

My brother had planned to come out yesterday, but he has a pretty serious blood infection that had to get treated. He has antibiotics so hopefully that will go away soon. Seeing the red streaks running up his arm was scary. When I was a kid I woke up with a very sore thumb. I hadn't done anything to it, but it was so hot and swollen I couldn't hold a pencil at school. My dad took me in, they showed me the line that followed my veins and told me that it was a very fortunate thing that my parents hadn't waited for me to be seen. My friend's mom died yesterday. I remember the stack of sympathy cards my family received when my grandmother passed. Maybe this is me being very cynical, and I know everybody can't be a part of your every day life, but it seemed to me that a lot of people felt more comfortable with sending a card than actively trying to keep in touch while she was still alive. I'm debating about sending a card to my friend. Part of me realizes that this is a small comfort and another part of me wants the break to be complete. We've drifted apart. I'm still angry that I helped throw a baby shower for her and she never told me she had the baby early. I need to let that go. I need to let a lot of things go. I need to stop writing and reflecting and just sit on the couch for a while. I didn't have a mom like that. It's kind of hard to think about...

Today is my first anniversary. I didn't have cake. I don't really get that tradition, but for some reason I am kind of irrationally upset there isn't a slice of year-old, frozen wedding cake for me to eat. I think that's just my jacked up mental state talking.

I slept in until 5 pm since my hypersomnia has returned and whenever I try to fix it, it turns on its head and becomes a month's worth of insomnia. I want to say it's because my plethora of medication stopped working, but I might have forgotten to take part of it for a week. Or not. I've been in a fog. I understand that's irresponsible, but I really am not sure how to remember everything. I try to write it all down, but I lose my lists because my apartment is never clean and my dog and cats run off with them.

My husband took me out to eat, but only because I forgot to do the dishes and make supper. I still need to do that. I feel like things are falling apart in my hands again, but then, are they? Maybe I just live in a really weird, shitty way.

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