My in-laws are coming to pick the girls up in a few minutes. They stopped by yesterday to pick up the trailer, but since it was full of garbage from the bathroom tear down they left without it. I'm finding that it's very easy to get caught up in my old way of thinking and behaving. I didn't ask them to help, there wasn't good communication there and once again I felt caught between two parties whose actions affected me without having any say in the matter. This was very hard for me to do, but I cancelled my tile guy for next week. I don't like being caught up in things like this. It's making me very uneasy so even though he could knock the bathroom out and I'd have it working again, I feel rushed and I want to honor that feeling. I can't control other people. I can only do what I can do. It's hard for me to live here, need things done, and not have the power to do them. One thing I can't stand is when people pretend they're doing you a favor when really they're manipulating the situation so they get what they want. I need people to be open and direct with me. Getting caught up in these back and forth power struggles is just awful. It's exhausting, it saps me of energy and willpower and I'm really glad I don't have to live with that on a daily basis anymore. I don't understand people who don't take care of their things even though I've done that before. For me that was an abberation, not a mindset. If you don't take care of the things you have, why should you be able to get more nice things, or even crappy things?

There's an animal living under the tree stump in the backyard and I know if I want anything done with it, that will be my responsibility. I could live at the condo, but I would still have to do things on my own. Doing things on my own is fine, but it's when other people's neglect causes a problem for me that I start getting angry. I need to find my own place to live. This is really stressing me out and I can't afford to let it affect me and my health this way. Living at the house sounds great and in many ways I am very appreciative of the blessings I have here, but it is not okay for me to take on things I shouldn't be. I don't have a lot to say today. I'm frustrated, angry, cold, and kicking myself for letting things get so out of hand for so long. I would encourage anyone who suspects that their relationship has issues to take action now. Maybe it's reading a book or blog posts or getting some professional help, but don't put it off or you'll be in a bigger world of hurt than you ever dreamed was even possible. Divorce is a terrible and horrible thing to have to go through. I contributed to problems and now I'm having to learn things that I should have been exposed to as a child. I can do it and I'm making progress, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. The girls just left. Nobody know what the plan is and that's the kind of thing I'm really sick of dealing with. There should be clear drop off and pick up times and the girls should know if they're going to be dropped off at his place or spending the night at mine.

Jane showed me how she's learning to walk on her hands. Jill mowed the grass and did some trimming. The house is cleaner than it was the last time they left, but they still managed to get away without doing everything I asked and that's on me. I am just angry right now. Feeling helpless and powerless and bullied by someone else is just not a very good feeling. I'm angry that I went out and spent money at the grocery store last night when we could have eaten things that were at home. But I was thinking about not seeing the girls for the upcoming week and made some emotional purchases I didn't think through at the time. I'm moving into phase II of summer divorce which entails moving forward. I did the sit around thing last month. I need to get things done around here so I feel better and can either go back to school or get a job. Both have upside. Both come with things I need to be thinking about. Today is my brother's birthday. I'm that much closer to my next birthday and it's starting to freak me out. I'm not a kid anymore. I read this blog posts that says financial responsibility is sexy. I don't care about being sexy. Being sexy has not really helped me in life where as being financially responsible has always helped me. I have to take discipline up a couple of notches in my life or I won't meet my goals. I need to get the pictures out of the house, finish cleaning up the sunporch, and get a game plan for the garage and basement. I don't know why I'm holding off on the bathroom, but I guess I'd rather be safe than sorry here. I would rather not spend the money, even if it's his money on something that my gut is telling me not to go ahead with. I can't tell is this is being unassertive, or smart, but I guess I'm really not worrying about it at this point in time.

Tomorrow I'm going to make some doctor appointments. I'm going to see what they say and make some decisions based on that information. I need to stop worrying so much. I need to let go. Anxiety is ruining my life, destroying my health, and therapy and books are helping, but I know I need to be more active and further clean up my diet. I have a book on sleep that I'm reading. It's already making me feel better since I'm the type of person who feels armed when I learn new things. It's still very cold here, but I can commit to taking two walks a day and I'll be warmer when I'm moving than I would if I'm just sitting here. I watched some Harry Potter with the girls last night and was able to get into it for a few minutes. That was a good feeling. I hated my parents when I was this age. It's comforting to have a relationship with my youngest where she snuggles on the couch with me and I'm making strides with my oldest. The girls made some very delicious pancakes and I did the dishes after that. I can only provide so much stability for them. I can't worry about what they're doing or not doing over at his place. I have to let it go. I will let it go. And it will be okay. I just have to keep on my path and not let drama and chaos and a lack of communication derail me. This is the only life I have and I'm sick and tired of being pushed around like this. It's time to stand up and stand for the things that I believe in for a change regardless of how other people will perceive me from here on out. This wasn't very cheerful, but at least I got something posted today. Small victories should be celebrated too. I haven't done enough of that in the past, but the future is going to look very different and it starts now. 

So I continued my church tour, last week was the Methodists, the week prior the Presybterians. This week I attended (on the advice of a good friend) an intriguing church nearby in Duluth that is the kind of church that has seats but no kneelers, the pastor wears slacks and a button down shirt, and they use "worship music" and in essence watch a rock band perform for most of the service.

It gave me pause to "step out" of my own churchiness and I realized that I have attended the modern version of the old school liturgy I had previously adored. Church organs and choirs were the guitars and drums of earlier times. The spectacle of shining spotlights and live-camera closeups? 21st century stained glass. And I came to realize that whether it's by incense and stained glass or rock music decibels and smoke machines, there's beneft and risk in being taken out of oneself. You get some transcendence, but at the risk of enveloping yourself in a coccoon of holiness, putting the people of your community at arm's length. You applaud "the missionaries" elsewhere -- and buy off your charity with a small marked envelope rather than deal with the great unwashed.

I'm guilty of that too, and now I see it.

I'm going to make some changes when I get back to TEC. I'll probably split my time between regular Cathedral attendance and the homeless mission church.

 

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