My sister was right. I wish I would have listened to her. I wish I would have done a lot of things differently, but I can only go forward. These past two days were rough. I went to bed around ten-thirty and couldn't sleep. Finally I got up around one something and stayed awake until almost five. I went back to bed and slept fitfully until nine-thirty. I took stock of what I had in the fridge, I need to get better about figuring out how much food to buy for when the girls are here veruss when they are gone. Last night my ex came over and we immediately got into an argument. I apologized for my side and spent the rest of the evening dwelling on old problems. I did some more reading in my book before the girls came back. I didn't understand why he was dropping them back off, but I didn't want to make an issue of it in front of them. He sat on the edge of the couch not speaking like he was waiting for me to say something or wanted to say something himself. I was exhausted and eager to go to bed, but didn't feel like I could say that for some reason. He left and I thought he would go back to the condo. About half an hour later he dropped his girlfriend off so she could drive his car while he's driving the own we own together. As soon as I saw that I knew he wanted the girls out of the condo so he could have her over. He could have just said that, but he chose a circuitous route and now I feel like I was manipulated into keeping the girls here. I love the girls and love having them, but this is unacceptable. I feel like once again I walked into a trap he set and I was dumb enough to fail to understand the real motivation behind him wanting the girls to stay here when that's not been his stance in the past. From now on I have to ask myself, how could what someone is proposing be benefiting them because people propose arrangements that they feel will further their own self interest. I do this too, everyone does it to some degree, but I need to be more cognizant of the other factors at play. Or maybe I don't. I just know that this is really not a good feeling and I feel as if somehow I failed as a mother.
Today I am very sore and tired. I am determined to be grateful for the things I have and it is wonderful that I'm being allowed to stay in the house as this is where the girls grew up and I'm glad to report that I am doing my best to make things more stable here at home. I've gotten away from essential oils so I pulled my book out and am going to do some today. My aunt called while I was sleeping. In the past I would have called her back right away. Today I am putting off the call until the girls are gone. That way I can talk to her undistracted and I can spend more time with them. I don't know what to do about this weekend. I sent him an email and some articles about introducing a new romantic interest to your children after you get divorced. They've already met her, but I am not going to do anything that will make it easier for him to spend the night with the girls and his girlfriend. I don't mind that he has her, he can choose to live his life how he pleases. I'm actually glad he has someone to hang out with that makes him happier, but I can't in good conscious agree to let the girls spend the night with her and him at a hotel. It's one thing for the girls to know what is happening and another to flaunt that relationship. I'm sure there are a lot of people who think I'm very old fashioned. I have standards and I'm proud of them instead of being ashamed. It was ignoring my values and trying to be more modern about sex that got me into some of the situations I've been in previously. I let shaky morals compromise who I was and I paid dearly for that. I'm going to keep this short even though I have a lot more on my mind. I ate some cucumbers for breakfast, the girls and I are going to get some water from the spring, and I'm going to sit down and have a talk with them about some serious issues. Not looking forward to that, but it's part of what a responsible parent does for their children.