Now, your friend Behr, who is me, aka Berhardt Goats, nee Itzak Berky, would like to say something privately to the ladies. Since there seem to be no more noder meets where I can stalk women in a comfortable setting, I will address my needs here. Men need to skip past the next paragraph and move onto paragraph 3 in your texts. Ladies, you are asked to read and subscribe to what I am going to say to you now.
I am a eligible bachelor, very wealthy, with multiple Best Selling books which I still receive seventy percent of the retail sales price as per my usual bestselling author contract, who is very successful in the field of business and investing, who loves to travel in time and space. I love space men A LOT especially when they have butts as scrumptious as that Mr. Spock. Just thinking about hims cheeks in those tight black PJ pants they wore on long forgotten space program Star Trek. You can find new learnings here on everything2.com brand website. I am eighty-nine years old, formerly served as an assasin for the legitimate government in my adoptive homeland of Bavaria in the 1930s and 1940s, later served in the same capacity for the Stasi while living with my mother, who is of Palestinian stock, in a house attached to the side of the Berlin Wall you weren't thinking about just now. I moved to America with my mother in the early 1970s while escaping persecution by people who accused my father of War Crimes. I only ever saw my father once more after that, for a beer in a pub in a neighborhood in Sussex, England, for no particular reason at all. However, there he told me he was working as a triple agent for the Americans, the Soviet Union, and a commercial fishing venture. I am available to you for dating NOW. I got married in 1978 after a seven year stint in remedial grammar school with tender aged children, and there I developed a taste for human flesh. I have done multiple surgeries on myself but do not believe in science. I am running for the nomination for President of the United States of America in the primaries against former idol Donald Trump (who is too even tempered for my tastes and too wishy washy and non-commital). Get in contact with me. I do "it" on the first date. I am also a fully tenuned professor of ethics, but I am currently on sabbatical in order to time travel and run away from the FBI.
So, an exciting announcement, I have signed on a man named Chester to be my Vice President candidate to run with me in the primaries. He just wants to know if he can charge unlimited money on a government credit card and I told him that was now to be expected of people in high offices. He relished the idea, or as he put it, "Doin' it to them publics peoples in every conceiveable orafice." This is why I chose him to be my Vice President. We are counting on your support please send campaign donations to "General Delivery" at the Utica, New York post office. Write "Friend Behr" on the envelope with that information and they will know. I spend about six hours every day at the counter there telling them my stories and forcing them at knifepoint (using the less than sharp, in fact not at all sharp, pocket knife attachment for my X-Man type hand) to call me "Friend Behr." The ones who disobeyed will have to be replaced. More jobs for everyone. I will promise that in my campaign while chanting "Lifestock trucks" over and over.
Join with me. Join with me now. "Livestock trucks forever" is one of the future rallying cries at my rallies during the campaigning. After I win, and then defeat limp liberal opposition, I will concentrate on governing and not on campaigning. There will be no more rallies. The time will have come to start building my proposed three-tied camps. One for work, one for breeding pits, and the other to process into food wimpy humans who cannot do rigorous work effectively for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with no breaks and hourly severe beatings. Those will be used to feed my armies. My armies will have the same taste for human flesh and meat that I have. And then the conquest of this world and converting it into a weapon which will stop the invastion of the Borg, which is something I know about because I have traveled in time and space rigorously and with a STRONG work ethic. This is my plan. This is how we will win. If you are idle, or appear to be lax, and you have less than nine figures in personal assets, you WILL be rounded up and forced into livestock trucks which will carry one hundred people in the back each. The humans will be stuffed so tightly into those livestock trucks that many of the wimpiest ones will explode like pimples being popped. And this is very real. And you are going to join with me. Will you WORK on my livestock trucks? There will be jobs for drivers, mechanics, auto body repair specialists, former Firestone Tires sales reps, and herders to herd the people who appear to not be working and who are OUTSIDE are fair game. Herders will be given cattle prods and steel lariats, and the blessing of the President of the United States of America, Berhardt Illych Goats. Will you repent and become a successful business man and captain of industry. Will you join me in forcing people to dig for coal day and night, night and day? Will you? I hope so.
Hopefully I will see a nice envelope from you at the Utica post office in a few days. Glad we are friends and that you support me emotionally, physically, politically, and spiritually. Bless you, friend of Friend Behr.