of years ago, I was in an online relationship. It wasn't pretty, and it was first love
on my part. She would do things
like go to online personal services, "to meet new friends
Trust, must trust, trust is needed.
She would keep me updated on her relationships with the friends, right down to the details of how some of them wanted to get into her pants. She waited till much longer before she told me of the guy who almost succeeded.
"Don't worry, I do stuff with lots of guys, it doesn't mean anything"
The worst of it came later. I told her I loved her... I had told her this before, she has replied in kind. Not this time. She tells me that she doesn't want me to tell her that, she doesn't deserve it. This is when I start to get serious doubts as to whether this will work out.
It's love, it has to work.
The next time we talked on the phone the despair washed over me. I held back the tears. "Is everything alright?" she asked. It took effort to hold them back, and it took more to speak.
No! Nothing is alright!
"Yes, it's fine." Of course it's fine, it has to be fine. Letting go, crying, would be giving in to my fear. So I held back
Uncried tears hurt, both in body and in mind.
I haven't cried since. I've wanted to cry, and I've tried to, but with no results. It's an autonomic feature now. Repeat the mantra, "Don't cry, it's all right," strain the muscles, hold those tears back. I have no control over it now, and it feels as if there is something essential missing from me.
Burning Tears, Acid Tears
The only time I've come close, is when I lost my last girlfriend. It makes me wonder, is the loss of such pain, worth the pain?