One day, down at a local coffee shoppe, over a few shots of Jolt! Cola, a friend of mine and I came to the sudden realization that we were going to grow up to be dirty old men. We were thrilled. The conversation could not stay away from being perverted and loud, and then the perfect dirty old man walked through the shop, and we realized that was our future.

I want to be a dirty old man. They get to have all the fun, without the legal problems normal men face, because it is acceptable for them to be perverted. I get to make snide comments at girls in short skirts, stare at cleavage through tiny tanktop shirts, and sleep with 20 year old girls. (and geeks shall inherit the earth) The barkeep heard us talking about this, and started laughing his head off, because he could see us as dirty old men.
Not only do I want to be a dirty old man when I grow up, but I already have the (almost) perfect model for my future. Gerald Sanders.

Now Mr. Sanders is not only a high class apartment lord in Midtown Memphis, but he's the ultimate dirty old man. He comes into the video store I work at, and even though he hasn't been asking for much softcore porn (like Red Shoe Diaries), he still rambles about prostitutes he suddenly denies being with, viciously flirts with the younger female employees (sometimes bringing them presents), smells of gin about every third trip to the store, and swears like all get-out. He also tips all the clerks that help him. And a great catchphrase too, "Now that's my cup of tea!"

There's also been zany stories of him driving like a madman, and also of him joyriding in a wheelchair down the street holding a bottle of scotch. His only character flaw is the racism that comes up once in a while. But other than that I have a perfect model for my golden years.

E2WDC have been studying the problem of growing up to be a dirty old man for several dirty old man-years, and have come up with 2 promising plans of action:

  1. Start early, and become a dirty young man; wait.
  2. Start as a clean young man. Don't wash.

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