Not only do I want to be a dirty old man when I grow up, but I already have the (almost) perfect model for my future. Gerald Sanders.

Now Mr. Sanders is not only a high class apartment lord in Midtown Memphis, but he's the ultimate dirty old man. He comes into the video store I work at, and even though he hasn't been asking for much softcore porn (like Red Shoe Diaries), he still rambles about prostitutes he suddenly denies being with, viciously flirts with the younger female employees (sometimes bringing them presents), smells of gin about every third trip to the store, and swears like all get-out. He also tips all the clerks that help him. And a great catchphrase too, "Now that's my cup of tea!"

There's also been zany stories of him driving like a madman, and also of him joyriding in a wheelchair down the street holding a bottle of scotch. His only character flaw is the racism that comes up once in a while. But other than that I have a perfect model for my golden years.