How to get a blow job

Bloody hell. I thought these were obvious. I've never had to give one myself, but most of my female friends produce the same common complaints. The five golden rules:

• Be Jewish Or Learn To Wash
  Unless your knob cheese is pure Edam, it's not going to taste very pleasant. Take a few moments in the shower to roll back your foreskin and give a little wash.

• Don't Push
  Next time you're eating a hotdog, imagine if a hand clasped around the back of your neck and attempted to shove the whole thing into your gob. Not pleasent. Respect that only a few talented actresses can fit an entire male member into their mouths, and your average noder can only get a bit in.

• Spit? Swallow? Its The Sucking That Counts
  Some people enjoy swallowing. Some people simply can't (trust me - I've had to heimlich one person who couldn't but tried anyway). It's no reflection on you. Get over it.

• Don't Ask
  "Suck me, beautiful," said the bloke in American Pie, and oh how we laughed. Because we all knew that a blow job is a treat, and not a privilege. Didn't we?

• Repay The Favour
  No, that glint in the other persons eye is not the joy of someone who has just swallowed your man sap. It's the gleam of expectation of someone who's expecting reciprocated ecstasy any second. Of course, if you were a real gentleman you would have dealt with that duty earlier.

and just because I like you, I'll even tell you the sixth, secret rule...

• Don't Be An Asshole
  Treat your partner like a human being. Don't act like a horny 14-year old. Have a personality beyond your car. Then you might have a vague chance of getting a blow job, and who knows what else?

If you perform well in the audition, you'll soon have a blow job.

After each concert, ask groupies for oral sex.

And to add to the above, if you live in London:

1. Travel to Piccadilly Circus station. Leave via the 'Shaftesbury Avenue' exit and proceed down that street until you come to Wardour Street on your right.
2. Head down Wardour Street until you come to Lisle Street on your left. Proceed down Lisle Street.
3. On the left you will notice many doorways with fluorescent pieces of card stuck just inside, usually with 'Model, first floor' or 'Busty model, second floor'. Enter one of these doorways and head to the appropriate floor, trying not to think of the crowds of people milling past you on the street outside, staring at you, laughing at you, shunning you. There may be a man who offers you drugs; say no. The stairs will smell of urine. This is because they have been peed on.
4. You will be confronted by a door. Press the bell. Try not to look like a psycho - not that it matters. Wait. Enter. You will be asked by an old lady to sit in a chair and wait. Do so.
5. After a while a younger lady will direct you into a bedroom. When she asks what you are there for, reply "French, please". Hand her twenty pounds and two pounds for the older lady.
6. You will receive further instructions from the younger lady, which you should follow.