Is a ridiculous item of male swimwear that surfaced (worse luck) recently in British shit-sheets like Heat and so forth wrapped round the nethers of two boys from The Only Way is Essex.

Basically, it's like a normal thong, but rather than with two legs round each hip and a piece of dental floss up the wearer's arse, it dispenses with one leg and the dental floss and has some underwiring in it or similar as well. It's supposed to be Daring and Directional and Fashion Forward, but it isn't. In fact, it combines all the disadvantages of wearing a thong with the dress sense of Karl Lagerfeld on massive drugs.

See, the thing about wearing a whole thong (if you will) is that by hooking the bit that goes over your lunchbox to the back with a piece of cheesewire, you can have both your pert, juicy, coin-bouncing buttocks on public show. This is allegedly arousing. However, the half-thong, for structural reasons, doesn't have this, and to prevent it from falling down (which would be an improvement in every way) requires somewhat more sturdy anchorage. So it's got this big wodge of lycra that emerges ominously from your crevice and crosses one buttock only, like an expensive designed bandage for someone who's just been shot in the arse. Result - more coverage than a normal thong of the bit it's supposed to show off.

Oh yes. Did I mention that it wrenches your genitalia to one side constantly?

So... yeah, what a ridiculous thing. In thirty years' time the TOWIE boys will cringe harder than Sean Connery upon seeing THAT frame from Zardoz.

Still. It could be worse. It could be a C-string. That's basically a vaguely triangular wireform with a baggy piece of cloth in it. You put your cock'n'balls in the big end and shove the narrow end up your anus. Enjoy the beach!

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