Written by "Eckhardt" (mwydra@swbell.net)

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

*fade in from commercial*

Regis – And welcome back ladies and gentlemen, so far tonight on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire", we've seen John Baker of Ohio win $125,000… and we've seen the lovely Amy Mitchell take home $15,000. And now it's time to meet our next contestant, he comes to us from a LONG way away, all the way from Middle Earth, let's all welcome… Mr. Gollum!

*dramatic music swells as the camera reveals Gollum in the chair opposite Regis, Gollum shifts uneasily in his seat, frightened by the flashing lights and loud music*

Regis – Mr. Gollum, it's a pleasure to have you here, are you ready to play the game?

Gollum – Gamessess? Yes… yes… ask! ASK! Riddles!

Regis – ok… here's our first question, worth $500. And remember you have your two three life lines to fall back on…

Gollum – Yessss… it asks the question!

Regis – In what year did the United States gain its independence from Britain? Is it A. 1492, B. 1776, C. 1785, or D. 1812?

Gollum – ohhh… nassssty Regis…. Cursed Regis…. Unfair! Gollum. Ohhhhh, how can we answer my precious, if we know not the cursed Statessssesss? Ohhhhh NASTY Regis!

Regis – remember you can use your life lines.

Gollum – Yes! Linesseess! Use them! USE THEM!!!

Regis – ok so would you like to use your 50/50, your telephone call, or your audience hint?

Gollum – NASTY Regis! Gollum… use HINT! HINT!!!!!

Regis – ok audience, pick up your controllers and vote.

*they vote*

Regis – well it looks like 100% of the audience is picking B. 1776. What is your answer?

Gollum – Regis waits! It rushes us! Ohhh… B! BEEEEEEEE IS THE ANSWER!

RegisIs that your final answer?

Gollum – Final answer YESSS! Gollum knows!

Regis – 1776… is RIGHT!!!

*musical fanfare*

Gollum – Now it is OUR turn to asks the riddles! Shapeless, with form. Silent, with sound. Pristine, ruinous. Towering, destroyed. Dark, luminous. Empty, overflowing. The Regis names it! NAMES IT!

Regis – Ok… let's go on to the $1,000 question. Are you ready?

Gollum – Regisessess TURN! SAY IT!!!! Regis does not know the answer???

Regis – I have the answers right here on this card… here's the next question: What song did Elton John re-write in remembrance of Princess Di? Is it A. Sad Songs Say So Much, B. Can You Feel the Love Tonight?, C. Candle in the Wind, or D. Pinball Wizard?

Gollum – WHAT? It asks US another question out of turn? Ohhh… nasty Regis! The Regis CHEATS! And the Regis asks another question of Gollum with no hintsss. Do you know this Elton John my precious? NOOO!!!! UNFAIR!!!! The Regis is UNFAIR!

Regis – Do you wish to use another of your lifelines? 50/50 or phone call?

Gollum – YES!!! Use 50/50!

Regis – Ok… your choices are now down to C. Candle in the Wind, or D. Pinball Wizard.

Gollum – NOOO!! Not the NASTY WIZARD!!! WE HATES THE WIZARD! He HURTSSSS Gollum! Mean cruel wizard! Gollum HATES the Gandalf! NOOOO WIZARD!

Regis – Not Pinball Wizard eh? So you're going with C. Candle in the Wind? Is that your final answer?

Gollum – NOOOO WIZARD!!!!

Regis – Candle in the Wind… is RIGHT!!!! Congratulations… you've now won $1,000 dollars! Time for the next question.

*musical fanfare*

Gollum – YES! Gollum asks the Regis another riddle… and this time IT ANSWERS!

Regis – Ok… the $2,000 question is this: What future talk show personality made their TV debut as a singer on Name That Tune? Was it A. Oprah Winfrey, B. Kathy Lee Gifford, C. Jerry Springer, or D. Sally Jesse Rafael?

Gollum – THE REGIS CHEATS! It only asks riddles and not answers! UNFAIR! CRUEL REGIS! Perhaps we EATS the Regis soon? Yesss…. EATS HIM!

Regis – Do you need to use your last life line? The telephone call?

Gollum – YES! LIFE! CALL!

Regis – Who do you want to call?

Gollum (to himself) – Master Sauron will hurts us my precious… we must leave this place…

Regis – Sauron did you say? Ok… let's dial him up.

*the sound of a ringing phone comes over the speakers in the studio, followed by a receiver being picked up… Gollum cowers, not understanding what's going on*

Female Voice – Thank you for calling the office of the Evil One, if you don't think we're evil enough, just wait… this is Blanche how may I direct your call?

Regis – Hello Blanche, this is Regis Filbin of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?", can we speak to Mr. Sauron please?

Blanche – Hold please…

Gollum – NOOOOO! NOT BLANCHE! We hates her my precious! HATES HER! She stings us with nasty papercuts and bad coffee!

*The phone clicks and a dreadful voice comes over the line, filling everyone in the studio with a horrible fear*

Evil VoiceWho bothers me?

Regis – Hello Mr. Sauron, this is Regis Filbin with "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?", we've got your friend Gollum here, and he needs your help with his $2,000 question. The next voice you hear will be that of Gollum…

Gollum – Master Sauron! Don't hurts us! Please!


*the room falls deathly silent*

Sauron - Gollum you FOOL! How dare you reveal my plan to the almighty Regis? Traitorous wretch! I will condemn you to the fires of anguish! Forever you shall burn for your inclusion of Regis in these matters. Long have I feared his wrath… but now is not the time for our confrontation. COME TO ME! I command you! Let none stand in your path, good or evil… you must escape from Regis's grip! Run! Crawl! Return to ME! NOW!

*there is a click as Sauron hangs up*

Regis – Well… I must say that was definitely one of the more unique phone calls we had on our show, and it seems your friend didn't really know the answer to the question. Do you have an answer? Gollum?

Gollum – HSSSSSSSS!!!! NO! The Regis must stay away! It trickssss us into revealing the masterssss planss! DAMN THE REGIS!!! CURSE HIM! KILL HIM!!!! HURT HIM!!!! We hates the Regis FOREVER!!!!

*Gollum leaps deftly from his chair and scampers past Regis's chair*

Regis – I'm afraid your time is up, the correct answer was of course B, my good friend Kathy Lee Gifford got her start on Name That Tune! In fact, she's come to the studio to say hi! Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to my lovely co-host from another job, Kathy Lee!

*Kathy Lee steps in from the shadows and waves to the crowd happily. Gollum continues his rampage, knocking over cameras and lights, looking for a way out. He sees that Kathy Lee has just entered, and runs towards her, trying to use the exit she just came in through… but she is in the way*

Gollum – NOOO!!! Evil Kathy Lee! EVIL! We KILLS IT!

Kathy Lee – What? What's goin on? Reeg? Who let this talking dog in here?

*Gollum jumps up, grabs onto the crane camera, and swings over towards Kathy Lee. He lets go, timing his fall perfectly so that he is able to land on her back. He rears his head back, and then bites her head off at the neck. The audience gasps in horror*

Regis (to himself) – Yes! Finally! The spell is broken! Now I can conquer the world unhindered!

*Gollum hops off Kathy Lee's dead body and scampers for the exit. Regis turns to the camera and continues as if nothing has happened*

Regis – And now it's time to find our next contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"!

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