I must say that I don't agree with Mirko
's last rule
. It is very possible to die while driving in Italy; in fact, I had a few friends that died in an accident
at over a hundred miles an hour, while I was in the US Navy
, stationed in Naples.
Knowing this, I will continue in the vein of the Tips for Driving in
Tips for driving in Naples, Italy
1. Speed limits are a joke
, often the punch-line spoken over a Cafe
at your favorite bar
2. The condition and quality of a car is inversely-proportional to the speed it will be traveling. For example, you will frequently see Fiat
Puntos and Smart Car
s travelling at well over 180 km/h, but a Mercedes SLK55 AMG or a Ferrari
Maranello will cruise at right around 110 km/h, making sure that everyone sees him. (For you americans, km/h to MPH is very near a 5/3 ratio) This rule is mandatory.
3. The above rule applies unless another comparably nice vehicle
is near, at which time you must race them to the best of your ability
. (True story, I once had a Ferrari 360 Spider and a Ducati 996
pass me at well over 250 km/h on the Tangenziale
. The Ferrari was winning.)
4. Connected to #2, The condition and quality of a car is directly proportional to the likelihood that the driver is connected to the mob
5. The larger the vehicle, the more authority you have to cut people off and stop on the highway.
6. When driving on the Autostrada
, if you miss your exit, it is perfectly acceptable to back up along the shoulder of the highway.
7. Also, if you don't know whether you are at the correct exit, stop your car at the beginning of the off-ramp and argue with your passengers until you can figure it out.
8. If you do miss your exit and are not able to reverse along the shoulder, pray to god that you can figure out an alternate route. Italian
highways do not have a system like the American overpasses
, and there usually is nowhere to turn around and go the opposite direction on the highway.
9. You come upon a construction site
. Construction sites and grass medians are designated highway U-turn
10. Lanes are a suggestion. If there is a six foot hole in the lane next to you, it is best to wedge your car into it, or at least nose into it to stop another car from getting ahead of you.
11. In the unlikely event that there is a two foot gap between you and the neighboring car, this gap becomes a scooter
lane. Any limbs hanging into the scooter lane become fair game.
12. If any portion of another person's car is in front of yours at the time of an accident
, you will be at fault. This is why #10 works.
13. If you do happen to get in an accident, and the other person does not take pictures of the damage, go home and go apeshit on your car with a sledgehammer
. Claim the damage happened in the wreck.
14. If you are driving and an accident happens in front of you, do everything you can to see it, to include crossing multiple lanes of traffic and stopping next to it on the highway. If the accident blocks traffic on the highway, proceed on foot
15. If you are involved in an accident late at night, abandon your vehicle and inform the police at your convenience. (Again, true story, My best friend was taking his wife out to dinner one night, and after about 10 minutes on the highway, while driving at about 150 km/h, he came upon a car, abandoned, upside-down, in the middle of the fast lane. He narrowly avoided it)
16. If you are forced to abandon your vehicle for any reason, take all valuables. The gypsies
operate very efficiently, and they will break into it with a day.
17. In the event that you cannot afford a passenger vehicle, a scooter is an acceptable substitute
. (One of my favorite memories from Naples happened on my first day there. I saw an ENTIRE FAMILY on a scooter. Mother
, and dog
. Going 120 km/h down the highway)
18. If another driver flips you off, it is an insult against your honor
, your family
, your fidelity
, and your pride
. Do your best to run them off the road, or at least put them into a guard rail. Extra points if you make their car explode. If it is a woman, kill her.
19. If you feel that flipping someone the bird is not a proper expression, there is another possiblity called the Cornuto. Make a fist, and then extend your index and pinky fingers (like the heavy-metal
"devil horns"). This translates, loosely, to "Your wife is cheating on you, and it might be with me." Seriously. (Or more simply, "Your wife is a whore")
20. If you see an attractive woman
driving along the highway, make every possible effort to inform her of her attractiveness. She might not know.
21. Do not check to see if you have the correct change for the toll until you are sitting in the booth with a row of cars behind you. If you don't have it, the people behind you will be perfectly happy to back out.
22. On Friday and Saturday nights, the area just after the toll before the highway
starts again is a great place to hang out with your friends.
23. When approaching a slower moving vehicle in the road ahead of you, politely blink your lights at them. In the event that this does not pursuade them to move, approach to within six inches of their bumper and swerve wildly back and forth, continually blinking your lights the entire time. When they move, pass them and cut them off
24. Rule #23 applies even if there are empty lanes to your left or right.
25. If you do not feel like moving for anyone while in the left lane, turn on your left blinker. This is an acceptable signal for "Fuck you, I'm not moving
26. Each hour after dark allows for an additional .25% BAC
allowed by law. After midnight, provided you are conscious, you can drive with any amount of alcohol in your system. (A connected rule to this is that, if you work in a bar, no matter the age of the patron, provided they can see over the bar, serve them liquor)
27. Finally, the more damage done to your car, the more seriously other drivers will take you. If you manage to get ahold of a car with no paneling at all, just a frame, a windshield, and an engine, no one will ever cut you off.