OK, I've been awake since 9:00am Thursday (and it's now 7:30am Saturday; kindly envision me shaking my fist weakly at the notion of insomnia to get an idea of my frame of mind), so I'm going to try my damndest to make the following words coherent. I should probably warn you, however, that the following is intensely personal. Read at your own risk, and remember, information wants to be free.

I've been trying to rationalize the following stuff in my head for the past 15 years. 15 years ago, I was 13 years old and was just becoming aware of sex, sexuality, and my own body.

As many of you know, and many of you don't know, I have a certain problem involving my gender identity. Emotionally and mentally, I feel female, but physically, I'm male, and with maleness comes particular behaviours, especially when it comes to sexual things. Having a feminine outlook on life and a masculine body with which to exercise my outlook on life obviously creates an enormous conflict. Since I've been trying to cope with this conflict since I became aware of sex, it has become an extremely painful ordeal when it comes to romantic and physical relationships. Since my mind is female, I have some certain natural feelings about romantic and physical relationships -- I love to be held, spooned, told that I'm loved, touched, and so on. Basically all the things that heterosexual women in romance novels crave. Yet, as a physical male, I'm expected be on the giving end of all of those things, not the receiving end, and due to the conflict that presents, it's a clumbsy process for me. I do not like to be the aggressor in a relationship -- I dread making the first move. But societal norms force me to at least try if I'm interested in someone. It is unreasonable of me to expect a girl I'm interested in to light the fuse, as it were. Also, as a physical male, I seem to have an insatiable sex drive, but at the same time my nervousness about my physical gender presents a great weakness in physical relationships. It takes me a long time to adjust to them, which is universally frustrating to me and more specifically to my partners. In the beginning of all my past physical relationships, I naturally tended toward my feminine desires, and that just doesn't work if I'm with a heterosexual woman, which, thus far, has been exclusively the case.

However, the fact is, I adore women. Totally and absolutely; everything about them, from the smell and taste of their skin, to the invisible, downy hairs on their arms, to the delicate way they walk, to the way their clothes fit. And I love Love LOVE eating pussy. I would do anything a woman asked me to do if it would pleasure her, including analingus and even oculolinctus, or even more extreme/odd things, just to please a woman. I adore sex with women, but, seemingly, only when I do things to them, as it seems that my body has no interest in receiving all that much attention during sex. Therefore, despite my revulsion of being the aggressor, I default to being the aggressor in sex, drawing up the conflict. Based on these feelings and actions, the only conclusion I can come to is the fact that I am bisexual.

Now, this is where it gets complicated. I do not find most men physically attractive, and indeed I find almost every man I've ever known to be emotionally repulsive and completely insensitive. I have a bias against men, simply because they're not women. However, men are capable of providing answers to the womanly cravings I have. I can take the passive position with a man; I can say things like "I want you inside me" and mean it. A man can ravish me in an aggressive way that I have yet to experience with a woman, due completely to my taking the aggressive position with women. All I want from a man is to be treated like a woman, like in a normal heterosexual relationship, even though I'm certain that I'd be a lesbian if I was physically female. That desire is, for me, part of what being a woman is about, regardless of sexuality.

Despite that, my bisexuality is no more than a means to an end. I have never been with a man sexually, though I've made out with a few, although that was years ago, and it lasted only a few drunken moments. Bisexuality is a necessary rationalization for me, although my lack of experience with men is because I'm extremely picky about them, infinitely moreso than I am about women. I have yet to even attempt to experiment with men, because my expectations and standards are impossibly high. I won't go into detail about them, but based on what I've seen, it'll be really difficult to find someone acceptable to me. Nevertheless, I had to get this out of my head and onto something tangible, because it's been locked up in my head for far too long.

I doubt this'll come as a surprise to anybody reading this, but still, I want it to be known, because I hope it will ease the emotional/physical conflict within me at least a little, and will allow me to better read people's perceptions of me. I just hope that someday it leads to the answer to the Question of Me.

The Mirror’s Reflection

I had a different Christmas this year, at least in comparison to all those other years, it was different. I gave gifts that often could not be held, often could only be felt, gifts that were perhaps harder to give, and harder to receive. “The spirit of giving is infectious; even if we do not have a religious connection with the holiday, the cheerful and charitable attitude seems to crackle through the air,” My English teacher told me on the last day of class before the break. Well I had been thinking before that, that I had more money this year to spend than ever before, and it wouldn’t be that hard for me to do that either. Instead I chose to work to give, instead of pulling out my checkbook, credit card, and waded up cash. I gave time. I would like to write upon time given to my grandmother.

Time. It means different things to many different people. To me it means commitment of my mind to give my attention to a specific task, or person in this case. I enjoy a good game of chess, cribbage, and other board or card games. I don’t play them often though, with my hectic life. Madrigal performances during the month of December were most of my life. I still found time. I found time to give to my grandmother on my father’s side. We played cribbage together. I’m the only person she ever loses to, and I mean that in a way that she has a challenge from me, which is why she enjoys playing it with me so much. I give her joy that her grandson has learned something in life, and has used it to my advantage.

With time spent, in a newly found art, with no hurry, no busy or hurriedness involved, I gave my time to my grandmother and others. No package necessary. Just a smile on the face, and I have to take off my watch wrist band. No temptation to watch those clock hands, counting the service hours I can put on my resume. Just simple time, given from me.

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