Pizza has been noded extensively, in all its possible guises but one, Children Pizza. Without further ado, I shall go straight to the recipe of this huge, immensely satisfying, and above all tasty mother of all Pizzas.


There is enough dough to make one massive, three-foot diameter pizza but an oven to fit the entire pizza is not a common household occurence, so I would recommend dividing the ingredients into three portions and baking three, separate, 12-14" pizzas. The child used, in my experience, has little bearing on the resulting flavour of the baked pizza.

Cautionary note: When ordering a Children Pizza at your favourite pizzeria, make sure that it is not a Children's Pizza. The latter is a recent variation on this theme that changes the outcome radically. It normally consists of a tiny pizza with cocktail sausages instead of children as the major topping.

The real purpose of this writeup is not to actually do this at home but to order this over the phone from your local pizza delivery place and explain that you don't want the ridiculous tiny pizza they sent last time but a proper one, describing the pizza in gory detail.

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