Bliss, you say? That's right - Chiquita! Shower massage masturbation... three words, which if you follow my advice, will cause you to blush coyly when mentioned in mixed company and start giving them as birthday presents to your girlfriends who have never had an orgasm.

A rock steady stream of water from one of these instruments, throbbing at 2800 pulses per minute directed at one's tumescent nether regions is better than eighty percent of the head you've ever had the pleasure to receive. Not to mention the fact that for those with busy schedules, this is multi-tasking at its finest. Incorporating masturbation into your daily shower gets you really, really clean, is a private venue, distorts the sounds of your pleasure and if you're a woman that ejaculates... no messy cleanup!! Heather Chandler knew what she was talking about - I bet she had a red one.

Women, it's true, have a number of options for pleasuring themselves and a good sampling of techniques and toys have been presented in our hallowed nodes. However, I'm here to tell you, that if you've had success with a hot tub, bathtub faucet or an unscrewed showerhead, you'll have a hard time leaving your house for a while if you purchase a shower massage. Plus, there's the added safety feature of a hand-held apparatus that allows you to keep your head above water, and avoid suction cupping yourself to the tub. Just don't blame me for the astronomic increase in your water bill.

The delicate nuance here, ladies, is control...

Selecting a Shower Massage

Shower massagers are not cheap; they usually range from about $40 to $80, but they all basically perform the same function. Look for one with a comfortable shaft for gripping that is a non-slip surface. If you find one that you can't live without that doesn't have a non-slip grip, buy those safety strips for your tub floor and apply them to the handle... you're going to be holding on for dear life, you don't want a slipping handle. Pick up the floor model - kick the tires - make sure that the head is not too heavy and that it has good balance. You don't want an unwieldy, hard to hold onto head. If you're going to be lying down in your tub, make sure that the hose is long enough. If you have a shower bench, a standard hose will probably work for you. A most important feature, in my opinion, is the ability to control water pressure on the head itself, rather than fuss with your bathtub knobs. This is fabulous and provides for infinitesimal adjustments to the pulsing speed and pressure of the water... 'cause let's face it, when it comes to these things we're all like the tossing and turning brat from the Princess and the Pea...

My aide-de-camp? The Teledyne Water Pik Misting Massage showerhead...A Spa Experience with 7 Luxury Settings! The M3 of shower massagers...

Installation and Maintenance

What you'll need...
  1. 5 minutes
  2. a wrench
  3. a pair of pliers
  4. some pipe tape (which may or may not be included) aka teflon tape (thanks for the proper term,tan!)
  5. shower massage of your choice
Unscrew your old showerhead with the wrench, screw together the parts of the new one, apply the pipe tape to the threads of your wall mount, screw on the showerhead mount and voilá! The good thing about shower massagers is that they're relatively maintenance free, you only have to clean them out about once a year. They are also unsuspicious and you don't have to worry about your mother finding them in your dishwasher during an unexpected visit...Just follow your manufacturer's instructions.

Doing the Deed

As with any sexual shower activity, safety is paramount, so please, PLEASE, sit or lie down. Make sure that you have proper traction. Remove all shampoo/conditioner/shower gel bottles and get them out of thrashing range. If your legs shake or you are someone susceptible to sudden leg cramps, don't forget the basics the same rules still apply. Adjust the temperature, pressure, speed and angle of attack to what is comfortable. Try not to get a great deal of water actually inside your vagina as this will disturb the natural balance of your self-cleaning oven that may lead to those nasty yeast infections. Obviously listening to your body and acting accordingly is key. Due to the fact that this is water and really causes no friction it is difficult to get sore from masturbating this way. This is a bonus if you're looking to be multiorgasmic, an endgame which is highly likely utilizing this art form.

Aside from that, kick back, relax, and follow your bliss.
Feeling left out, are you guys? It wasn't intentional, so I'll share my thoughts on how you can benefit from this information.
  1. Ask your woman to allow you to watch her masturbate. You might learn something new about her and with her permission, joining in on the effort with your added skills is bound to produce a pleasurable time by all.
  2. Imagine how popular you'll be if you actually introduced your mate to this method? How sensitive are you?
  3. Masturbating for women is not likely to deter them from having sex with their partners. If anything, it is likely to increase their comfort level with and understanding of their bodies, which equals better self esteem, which equals better sex with others. Sexual empowerment is, well, sexy.
  4. Can a man derive pleasure from a shower massage? Yes, it can be done, but this isn't for the wham, bam, thank you hand type. (This is second hand, but from a very good source who has overcome his initial love / hate relationship with my massager. Can you blame him? I even have a pet name for it...) Adjusting the pulse and angle to massage the sensitive area just under the head of the penis and moving it down the shaft is very gratifying. After ejaculating it is particularly blissful for the streams of water to pulsate gently from above (though don't direct the spray directly into the urethra). A shower massage can also be beneficial in the stimulation of the prostate as a man can place the massager so that it vibrates against the sensitive area between the scrotum and the anus, gently pulsing at the base of the penis while stroking with the hand.

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