Bag Balm is a gooey, tan translucent substance. It is used to protect cow teats from the deleterious (I love that word) effects of dry cold wind; i.e. to prevent chapped teats. This, as you might imagine, is not only extremely painful for the cow (not least because when a cow can't be milked it hurts) but also bad in terms of revenue for the dairy farmer. Well, some enterprising folks up in Lyndonville, Vermont have the answer. This stuff is to regular mentholated ointment what Fat Man is to a hand grenade. It's damn near impenetrable. It's also extremely useful for clearing the sinuses or protecting the lips (human lips) from chill. So, all true Vermonters keep a can of Bag Balm handy, even if they own nary a single solitary moo.

In addition, if you are ever in Lyndonville Vermont, look down near the Cumberland Farms on Rt. 5/Railroad St; there's an enormous can of Bag Balm protruding from the building in which it was originally made.

This wonderful ointment is 0.3% Hydroxyquinoline Sulfate in a petroleum-lanolin base. This product is useful for nursing mothers who can also suffer from chapped nipples. If you use it, however, you must protect your clothing (a bra works) because the petroleum-lanolin can permanently stain. Also, the nipples need to be gently cleaned before nursing, then the ointment reapplied after each session.

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