An Artichokehold is, naturally, a chokehold applied to an artichoke. This may be necessary as a prelude to subduing the artichoke in preparation for a meal.

It is vitally important to get behind the artichoke, either by stealth or chicanery, or by swift maneuvering from a face-to-face stance. Quickly bring one arm around the neck of the artichoke, until the head is ensconced in the crook of the elbow. Then bring the forearm of the other arm up directly behind the head of the artichoke, until the wrist of the front arm is firmly pressed near the elbow of the back arm. This allows you to grip the back arm as needed to exert authority. Use both the forearm behind the artichoke and bicep of the front arm in front of it to exert pressure as needed to control and subdue the artichoke. If it struggles excessively, initiate a takedown whereby the artichoke is brought down to a level surface, whether a floor or table, where further violence can be utilised to make it your dinner.

Pin it to that surface. Once you have pinned it down, you can slam it down -- without releasing the artichokehold -- a few times to stun it; it is at that point that you can then release the hold and simply start pounding it ferociously with your fists, screaming, "I hate you!! I hate you!! You ruined my life, motherfucker!!"

After this, simply broil it at a low boil for around 45 minutes. Optionally, serve with melted butter.

And that is how you make an artichoke.

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