Most of the time I'm in denial about having several autoimmune conditions. While it's true that I have stress in my life that isn't related to my health, I have to acknowledge that my body does not work the way that it should. Today I interviewed someone who specializes in ergonomics, during the interview I saw tweets featuring a conference on Sjogren's Syndrome that I tried to ignore. Another woman who has the condition followed me on Twitter years ago. Groups like that are tough for me. I hate thinking that I'm somehow different or that there aren't solutions like lose weight or eat better. Dry eyes and fatigue are major problems in my life.
I can do more. I know that. But what is more? What does more look like? Today I'm pretty happy with where the house is at. I've controlled the things that I can control and had to let go of a lot of other things. Realistically even if my house is painted and updated, I'll still wake up with problem eyes because tear production drops at night. The internet tells me that I'm fortunate. Every day I slather some kind of oil on my skin. I rotate between sesame, coconut, and olive oil. Most people wouldn't be able to absorb that kind of slick on their skin. For me it makes my seriously dry skin slightly more pliable. Right now I'm not working outside of the home. Getting a job is daunting from many perspectives. I know I can work, but how much work is realistic? What is enough? What is too much?
It was a bummer to be denied for a loan. I got that news yesterday when I was on the phone with a friend who hadn't heard about the accident. My credit is good, but without income to support a payment I don't qualify for the loan. That's how banks work. My ex had rotten credit when I met him. He bounced checks left and right, hadn't paid on an old electric bill his ex had left for him, and managed his money very poorly. Money was a constant fight between us, I never want to be in a relationship where I'm treated as if my opinions on money management aren't valid and worthwhile. I still haven't received a check from him this month. Hopefully it will come today.
The other day I listened to a podcast that really helped. I believe in God. I know that he can allow things to come into people's lives to bring them greater faith. I felt like the guy I liked was pulling away so I sent him a message asking if this is where we part ways. He was understandably confused by what I said. In my mind we were drifting apart, but it turns out that he was super busy and not feeling well. I have a choice to make. I can fully commit to him and this relationship knowing that I will always want more interaction than he can give me. I can let doubt about the future creep into my mind while I think about the time zone changes and the miles between us, or I can choose to be content.
He makes me a better person. He makes me want to be a better person for myself, the girls, and for him. It's easy to support him and hard to hear that he's having a rough couple of days. There's no immediate reason to go our separate ways. I love the way that he makes me feel when we're interacting. It feels weird to type that. I can view it as investing in a long shot, there can't be room in my mind for doubt. Someday the sacrifice will be worth it. I tell myself that even as I have tears streaming down my face because I believe it. My therapist likes him. I trust her judgement in these matters. She doesn't seem worried about the distance, he isn't, so why am I?
Despite being overwrought and emotional today I'm in a good place. The girls are here. Last night we picked up sticks in the yard. After that we came in for baths. We got most of the laundry done, the final load is in the washer. I cut the grass for the first time. My ex would never let me mow the lawn or show me how the mower worked. I'm still quite the rookie, but I did what I could while I was riding around. The neighbors are probably wondering why I'm cutting crop circles in my yard, but everyone was a beginner at something once. A lot of people use #blessed in a sarcastic manner. I really am. I have challenges in my life just like everyone else, but I'm starting to overcome my crippling anxiety and fear of the future.
I can learn more about the diseases that affect my life and get help managing them. I can live without a car and figure it out. That isn't the solution I want, it's always easier to slip back to the path of least resistance, this will be a good thing and my mind knows it as my body rebels against having its current level of comfort disturbed. I'm becoming a better planner. My system of putting things I want to do the next day in a binder is working. The house is pretty clean and so much more functional than it was. This morning I got to snuggle with both of the girls at separate times. For me having children that feel safe and secure with me and willingly come to me to give and receive affection is an absolute miracle. I'm going to contemplate that while I figure out if we're going to the store today, or waiting until tomorrow.