Successful people finish what they start. I read that somewhere and believe it to be true. I feel better when I get things done, particularly things that have been looming over my head for a while. Last night I listened to a podcast that was very helpful. Pete Carroll spoke about optimism and how being in the moment allows people to focus on the next step. Depression involves the past. Anxiety worries about the future, the only moment we have is now and we can be more fully present in it by learning how to tune out the noise in our heads that wants to take us away from what is happening at this very moment.
The guy I like is pulling away. He's very polite, I guess it could be worse, but it still hurts. My brain isn't very practical, I always think that there are ways to work things out, but sometimes people are traveling at different paces. I really want to say something to him, but realize it's probably better in a way to just let it fade. He wants something different than I do. I can view that as freedom to go see other people. Who knows, maybe someone I like even better will come along and this person will live close to me so we can hang out in real life. Long distance relationships are tough.
Tonight I'm getting both girls. That fact makes my stomach churn. I have some food, but need to get out and buy groceries. I also have to deal with chores and expectations. The house is fairly clean right now and I expended a lot of energy to get it to where it's at. I want a certain level of order maintained, and I'm expecting the girls to do things without me having to ask them. That's the goal, how we get there is a process I'm going to have to monitor. I want us to be spending more time playing games together and doing art projects instead of each of us being locked up in our rooms with our devices.
Inside of me is this icy wall that needs thawing. People have hurt me, and I can forgive, but I can't allow people to keep treating me the way that they have been. Being apathetic about my children is less than nurturing. I want to be a more nurturing parent. That's hard for me because it wasn't modeled, I wasn't nurtured as a child so I'm having to figure things out as I grow up myself. Part of me is still stuck in child mode where I do adolescent things, usually without realizing that's what I'm doing although at times I have clarity. Transportation has to become a priority so I can get to my appointments, buy groceries, and explore the world around me which is more than this house.
I need to put a list together of the things I want done outside. I have a restlessness that comes from seeing the undone things and knowing that I could be doing some of them. It's hard to want and need a partner while being single. A lot of people do it, some single people have full and contented lives. I don't necessarily need a romantic interest in my life. I can occupy my time with other things, but it's something I really want in my life. That kind of comfort and support, those shared experiences, the silliness and flirtation. It's hard to say goodbye and move forward, but I can focus on the next step which is what I'm going to do. Progress needs to be made and momentum will carry me forward.