I keep getting the feeling that I can just walk out
and not come back
and that would be fine. I want to walk out and not come back at all.
I’ll have my coat on and my wallet in hand and waiting for the elevator, going on my lunch break and I’m thinking how easy it’d be to just hop on the train and leave my computer on and the project unfinished and my shit all over and I don’t even need to take my bag with me. I can just leave and hop on that train to Grand Central or Penn Station and buy a ticket to god-knows-where and just go.
If I get desperate I can always buy clothes and food, yeah, I can always find a Shoprite and pasta, hell, how hard is it to live on canned foods? Anyway, I’d buy me a pair of jeans and a backpack and live like that and maybe California is a good place to head and maybe not, but do I care? I think not much. I have an ATM card and even though my account is full of my sister’s money, I will go and
the only thing is, they’ll never forgive me, and eventually they’d have some sort of search going on, and I’d have to leave some sort of note or mail it to them: Don’t worry, I’ll be back, I just need a break but
maybe I won’t come back and do I care?
All I want to know is how soon can I walk out and how much longer will I resist the temptation. I’d need some sort of calling cards or prepaid, but no, that would involve premeditation, and I want to leave without planning. One day, in the car, drive out of nowhere to nowhere all day, keep driving and not turn around, ditch the car and get a bus or train and move.
I can walk out today and not look back, and I think I will do it, the question isn’t when, because you don’t plan these things, and not ‘how will I know’, because when you gotta go, you gotta go, and believe you me, I’ll know. No, the question is how much longer] will I hold up and how much more of this life will I take, and when will I lose it because then then
then I can walk out and start looking, I need to leave and start looking to see what I can find, only the time isn’t now. But I’ll know, and then I will walk out and not look back, and fuck you all very much.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about rage, it’s about me and I need to disappear.