This is a letter from Juliet's Hope Chest. The letter is in the original format, typos and all. The only things that have been changed, are to protect the identify of the other person.

This was a love letter written to my boyfriend, who at the time lived 3,000 miles away. We decided to try to defy the odds against us, and try for something beyond friendship.

From Sun Jul 25 23:15:28 1999
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 20:35:44 -0400 (EDT)
From: Victoria L. Palmer
Subject: and the sky was made of amethysts

The following is babbling turned into a letter .. it bounces around.. in tenses and from me talking to you.. and to myself..


- Do me a favor and appease my aching eyes
Won't you please materialize
Play another of your tricks with my sight
Be here in the flesh tonight

- Juliana Hatfield

I have seen/done a lot.. but at the same time.. have done nothing.. the person with all the experience.. doesn't exist anymore.. kinda like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly... shedding the outer protection to become a butterfly.. my god.. im corny.. but it's true.. totally fragile.. yet plain for the world to see..

I have this weird tendancy to look at the past.. as a place to catch my mistakes.. but at the same time.. i dont judge people on the actiosn of other.. im not sure if that is wise.. or foolish.. i think its a lil bit of both.. i would much rather be true to myself and feel pain than just hide..

some have put me in a glass case.. not on a pedstal.. above them.. but someplace where they could look at me.. study me.. yet not hurt me.. or hurt themselves with me.. no actually interaction.. they just wanted to "collect" what they saw..

others have put me on the pedstal.. but kept smashing me.. knocking me down.. to glue me back together .. so they could break me again..

i think is more experienced in the relationship dept than he thinks... i mean.. a "girl/boyfriend" is someone who is like yer friend with benifits.. like.. a best friend.. nurturer.. someone to nurture.. someone who you respect.. someone whose opinion matters.. its the all inclusive package..

kinda like my oreo cookie analogy

i have never felt truly loved for who i was.. nothing more than a living doll .. a security blanket for some.. or .. someone to play house with to liven up their apartment.. but the fantasy was always over before i caught on that it wasn't for keeps.. the naive dreamer... someone to mold.. a blank canvas.. i was all of these things.. but none of them.. they dug way deeper than most.. i dunno..

john told me that after all these years of watching me interact with people..strangers .. to close friends.. he thinks that people well.. most dont really see me.. they project what they want.. i can play any role.. but im tired of playing.. this isn't my 7th period drama class.. im tired of mistaking someone's pygmallion-like dream for a chance for happiness..

John could be wrong.. part of me is scared he is right.. the other half is scared he is wrong..

but fuck it.. their loss.. i thought my past relationships would make me more prepared dating etc.. the exact opposite

ive never felt this way.. its odd.. inspiring.. scary.. wonderful.. its undescribable.. in the past.. right now id be happy.. yet counting my faults.. and trying to times that by the number of girls he'd flirt with while we were out together.. to come up with how long it would be til he either cheats on me.. or worse.. wtf.. how fucking insane is that.. i remember saying about 11 months ago "i do not wanna meet someone special.. someone who touches me so deep it makes me shiver.. someone who i feel i have a connection and bond with.." .. i wasn't ready.. my biggest fear was i would find "him" and be unprepared.. and i would miss experiencing this amazing person.. i almost did.. and when i thought i had lost you.. i cried.. and i realized i needed to do some real soul-searching.. because the astoundingly SMASHING things usually only come once in a lifetime.. and twice.. well one can wish..

he is someone i consider to be human.. with faults.. i love the faults.. they come with the good...


this is what happens when i sit typing whatever comes to mind for 5 minutes.. but a lot of that is something.. well.. i want you to know.. i love you..

'` '*-,.__.,-*'` '*-,.__.,-*'` '*-,.__.,-*'` '*-,.__.,-*'` '*-,.__.,-*'`
Victoria Palmer * *

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because
we are so dangerously near to wanting nothing.." - Sylvia Plath
you clumsy Cupid
shooting arrows everywhere
except straight
shoulders bent, but not bowed
watching me quiver

sunset chaser
driving while intoxicating
hair zooming behind you
with your top down

magnet girl
attracting attention
crystals around your neck
diamonds in your hair
stars in your eyes
spinning me into your orbit
around and around
and in.

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