Tears
Before I start let it be said I don't care what you think or say about me after this. I don't care if you down vote me to hell. Go ahead. Just proves my point later on in this day log.
I suffer from severe depression. You can see it in my eyes. They are heavy with dark spots beneath them. I walk around slowly, my legs just going from point A to point B. I don't talk much anymore, and when I do it's filled with sadness. I have no voice anymore. I hear it but it isn't mine. I am quiet. I can't be noticed when I'm quiet. If I'm quiet, I can't be hurt further. I don't smile anymore either. I can't remember the last time that I did. It requires so much effort, not to mention something to smile about, to get a smile out of me.
My mind... How messed up it is. My mind is always filled with past thoughts, present thoughts but not future ones. And when those future thoughts do appear, they only make my depression deepen. I hate memories. I have the worst kind of memory, photographic. I can remember things so well in so much detail. I can remember feelings, touch, even every word, every smile. I hate remembering. I wish the memories would go away.
I don't sleep well. I'm plagued by dreams and nightmares. I wake up in cold sweats. I wake up screaming in the night. No one hears me, my doors are closed. I fall back asleep in tears. I can remember my dreams. Some have someone special coming into my life, she is beautiful in my eyes. She is kind to me, she loves me, and I don't understand why. I've never seen her before in my life. Others are things that I'm doing around an apartment, my apartment, sometimes she's there. Sometimes not. But I don't own an apartment. I live in my parents house, finishing up high school right now. But it doesn't matter. It won't happen. I'm just fall back asleep. Waiting for the inevitable dawn. Dawn that's always there for me.
I am ugly. I don't think I'm attractive. No one else does either. I'm far from it. As ugly as sin. I'm so emotionally scared. Scared from so much hate towards me. So much hurt that's been inflicted upon me. So much rejection. It's scars run deep. Deep into my core. I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me. Why should I? Where would it get me?
You may think that depression has a bottom that you can hit and then crawl back up from.
You're wrong. Don't think that. It's bottomless. A void. A black hole that sucks everything in. Trust me, I feel it. Constantly. I live with it everyday.
I think that's what's there now instead of my heart. A black hole, a void. I don't feel anymore. I can't feel. I only feel pain but that only reminds me that I'm alive. It's the only thing that's real.
I've been told by my dearest friend that I don't live. I just exist. He doesn't know how true that is. I'm here. I get up at dawn, get ready for school, put my hours in there, come home (I can only do summer jobs), work out, eat dinner, shower, and go to bed, waiting for dawn the next day.
I hate myself. I am a monster. A terrible plague to those that know me. I distance myself anymore. I tried to be a part of society. (HA!) It didn't want me. No one wants me around. They find me repulsive after a time. They cower away from, seeing the dark cloak that I'm forced to wear, flowing behind me, rippling from the darkness within.
By now, most of you think that I'm suicidal. Been there, tried that a long time ago. I'd rather not shame my family or my self by dying that way. It's my sin. I'll live. I'll stay. As it was put, being a hermit, an outcast of society. I chose my path in life. I thought I could handle this path I took and be happy at the end of it. I thought I would smile, have a lot of friends, someone special in my life, do well in life. How wrong I was. I can't go back now. Too bad.
I'm sorry I wasted your time by having you read this. Many people are worse off than I. That's why I ask you to forgive me. I don't ask for more, just forgiveness.