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The only vatican approved way for Nuns to masturbate in the bath! Limited Offer! Keep away dust vampires! Perform clean Exorcisms!

Get your Pope on a rope early, and you'll receive this bonus Wookiee Cushion!

Not for children under 10
Batteries not included
do not stop chainsaw with hands or genitals

Imagine if you will, your common everyday soap on a rope. A bar of soap with a rope conveniently stuck in the middle of it during the forming process which allows you to hang it up in the shower. This keeps you from ever dropping the soap and experiencing any of the nasty side effects. (Like having to bend down and whacking your arse on the tub faucet. I don't know what you think I was talking about.)

Now here's the genius part: instead of soap shaped like a bar, or a football or a horse or a dodecahedron we shall instead form the soap into the shape of The Pope! Different scents for different popes even. And instead of a rope we could use a rosary so you could do whatever it is that Catholics do with the rosary in the shower.

Here's a list of all the Popes, their dates of Papalness and their Pope on a Rope scent:

1. St. Peter (32-67) Rose Petals
2. St. Linus (67-76) Redwoods
3. St. Anacletus (Cletus) (76-88) Holly Berry
4. St. Clement I (88-97) Fig Leaf
5. St. Evaristus (97-105) Strawberries 'n' Cream
6. St. Alexander I (105-115) Blackberry Currant
7. St. Sixtus I (115-125) -- also called Xystus I Green Tea
8. St. Telesphorus (125-136) Grape Escape
9. St. Hyginus (136-140) Hybiscus
10. St. Pius I (140-155) Blueberry Pie
11. St. Anicetus (155-166) Aloe
12. St. Soter (166-175) Volcanic Ash
13. St. Eleutherius (175-189) Clover
14. St. Victor I (189-199) Talc
15. St. Zephyrinus (199-217) Wintergreen
16. St. Callistus I (217-22) Orange Crush
17. St. Urban I (222-30) Smog
18. St. Pontain (230-35) Mountain Spring
19. St. Anterus (235-36) Ambrosia
20. St. Fabian (236-50) Cinnamon Twist
21. St. Cornelius (251-53) Gardenia
22. St. Lucius I (253-54) Exotic Orchid
23. St. Stephen I (254-257) Lemon Drop
24. St. Sixtus II (257-258) Watermelon
25. St. Dionysius (260-268) Honeydew
26. St. Felix I (269-274) Catnip
27. St. Eutychian (275-283) Grass Clippings
28. St. Caius (283-296) -- also called Gaius Ancient Oak
29. St. Marcellinus (296-304) Forgiveness
30. St. Marcellus I (308-309) Love
31. St. Eusebius (309 or 310) Hope
32. St. Miltiades (311-14) Redemption
33. St. Sylvester I (314-35) Faith
34. St. Marcus (336) Charity
35. St. Julius I (337-52) Magnolia
36. Liberius (352-66) Juniper
37. St. Damasus I (366-83) Kiwi
38. St. Siricius (384-99) Cranberry
39. St. Anastasius I (399-401) Pumpkin
40. St. Innocent I (401-17) Genisis
41. St. Zosimus (417-18) Zestfully Holy
42. St. Boniface I (418-22) Mango
43. St. Celestine I (422-32) Celestial Magic
44. St. Sixtus III (432-40) Tribunal
45. St. Leo I (the Great) (440-61) Sunflower
46. St. Hilarius (461-68) Cucumber
47. St. Simplicius (468-83) Sands of Time
48. St. Felix III (II) (483-92) Misnomer
49. St. Gelasius I (492-96) Eucalyptus
50. Anastasius II (496-98) Coconut
51. St. Symmachus (498-514) Peanut Butter
52. St. Hormisdas (514-23) Butterscotch
53. St. John I (523-26) Earth
54. St. Felix IV (III) (526-30) Fire
55. Boniface II (530-32) Aqua
56. John II (533-35) Air
57. St. Agapetus I (535-36) -- also called Agapitus I Omlet du Fromage
58. St. Silverius (536-37) Silver
59. Vigilius (537-55) Vigilance
60. Pelagius I (556-61) Fortitude
61. John III (561-74) Peace
62. Benedict I (575-79) Sanctity
63. Pelagius II (579-90) Sacristy
64. St. Gregory I (the Great) (590-604) Cumulous
65. Sabinian (604-606) Peppermint
66. Boniface III (607) Spearmint
67. St. Boniface IV (608-15) Sea Salt
68. St. Deusdedit (Adeodatus I) (615-18) Artic Flow
69. Boniface V (619-25) Jasmin
70. Honorius I (625-38) Tulip
71. Severinus (640) Cut Flowers
72. John IV (640-42) Compassion
73. Theodore I (642-49) asterphage
74. St. Martin I (649-55) Tropical Storm
75. St. Eugene I (655-57) Virtue
76. St. Vitalian (657-72) Humility
77. Adeodatus (II) (672-76) Ice
78. Donus (676-78) Glazed Doughnut
79. St. Agatho (678-81) Bubble Bath
80. St. Leo II (682-83) Charity
81. St. Benedict II (684-85) Valor
82. John V (685-86) Winter Squash
83. Conon (686-87) Great Barrier Reef
84. St. Sergius I (687-701) Honesty
85. John VI (701-05) Goldenrod
86. John VII (705-07) Lily of the Valley
87. Sisinnius (708) Binary
88. Constantine (708-15) Istanbul
89. St. Gregory II (715-31) Irish Summer
90. St. Gregory III (731-41) Oriental Silk
91. St. Zachary (741-52) Chocolate Chip
92. Stephen II (752) Gingerbread
93. Stephen III (752-57) Sage
94. St. Paul I (757-67) Apocalypse
95. Stephen IV (767-72) Lava Flow
96. Adrian I (772-95) Dusty Trail
97. St. Leo III (795-816) Tears
98. Stephen V (816-17) Angel Chorus
99. St. Paschal I (817-24) Cherubim
100. Eugene II (824-27) Seraphim
101. Valentine (827) Lime
102. Gregory IV (827-44) Longevity
103. Sergius II (844-47) Plateau
104. St. Leo IV (847-55) Bubblegum
105. Benedict III (855-58) Rasberry
106. St. Nicholas I (the Great) (858-67) Christmas Morning
107. Adrian II (867-72) Adriatic Sea
108. John VIII (872-82) Sol Wind
109. Marinus I (882-84) Mercury
110. St. Adrian III (884-85) Venus
111. Stephen VI (885-91) Earth
112. Formosus (891-96) Mars
113. Boniface VI (896) Jupiter
114. Stephen VII (896-97) Saturn
115. Romanus (897) Uranus
116. Theodore II (897) Neptune
117. John IX (898-900) Pluto
118. Benedict IV (900-03) Milky Way
119. Leo V (903) Meteor
120. Sergius III (904-11) Rainbow
121. Anastasius III (911-13) Trinity
122. Lando (913-14) Cloud City
123. John X (914-28) Rice Paper
124. Leo VI (928) Maple Sugar
125. Stephen VIII (929-31) Octarine
126. John XI (931-35) Nectarine
127. Leo VII (936-39) Pomegranate
128. Stephen IX (939-42) Sandalwood
129. Marinus II (942-46) Ferrous
130. Agapetus II (946-55) Amber
131. John XII (955-63) Mulberry Bush
132. Leo VIII (963-64) Soy
133. Benedict V (964) Snap Pea
134. John XIII (965-72) Clove
135. Benedict VI (973-74) Nutmeg
136. Benedict VII (974-83) Custard
137. John XIV (983-84) Allspice
138. John XV (985-96) Ginseng
139. Gregory V (996-99) Climbing Ivy
140. Sylvester II (999-1003) Epoch
141. John XVII (1003) Cedar
142. John XVIII (1003-09) Bronze
143. Sergius IV (1009-12) Freedom
144. Benedict VIII (1012-24) Tungsten
145. John XIX (1024-32) Carnation
146. Benedict IX (1032-45) Geranium
147. Sylvester III (1045) Seaweed
148. Benedict IX (1045) Almond
149. Gregory VI (1045-46) Wisdom
150. Clement II (1046-47) Charisma
151. Benedict IX (1047-48) Fortitude
152. Damasus II (1048) Red Rum
153. St. Leo IX (1049-54) Snap Dragon
154. Victor II (1055-57) Persimmon
155. Stephen X (1057-58) Marble Cake
156. Nicholas II (1058-61) Sandstone
157. Alexander II (1061-73) Dreamsicle
158. St. Gregory VII (1073-85) Mixed Berry
159. Blessed Victor III (1086-87) Sea Foam
160. Blessed Urban II (1088-99) Skyscraper
161. Paschal II (1099-1118) White Lace
162. Gelasius II (1118-19) Blue Rasberry
163. Callistus II (1119-24) Avignon
164. Honorius II (1124-30) Daffodil
165. Innocent II (1130-43) Opal
166. Celestine II (1143-44) Abyss
167. Lucius II (1144-45) Pistachio
168. Blessed Eugene III (1145-53) Mint Chip
169. Anastasius IV (1153-54) Pineapple
170. Adrian IV (1154-59) Citrus
171. Alexander III (1159-81) Brookside
172. Lucius III (1181-85) Veldt
173. Urban III (1185-87) Pedestrian
174. Gregory VIII (1187) Sunbeam
175. Clement III (1187-91) Lunar Eclipse
176. Celestine III (1191-98) Downpour
177. Innocent III (1198-1216) Diamond
178. Honorius III (1216-27) Topaz
179. Gregory IX (1227-41) Ruby Vroom
180. Celestine IV (1241) Emerald City
181. Innocent IV (1243-54) Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love
182. Alexander IV (1254-61) Zircon
183. Urban IV (1261-64) Grapefruit
184. Clement IV (1265-68) Banana Nut
185. Blessed Gregory X (1271-76) Zuccini Bread
186. Blessed Innocent V (1276) Carrot Juice
187. Adrian V (1276) Black Pearl
188. John XXI (1276-77) Sugar Cane
189. Nicholas III (1277-80) Plum
190. Martin IV (1281-85) Tangerine
191. Honorius IV (1285-87) Frankincense
192. Nicholas IV (1288-92) Myrrh
193. St. Celestine V (1294) Gold
194. Boniface VIII (1294-1303) Basil
195. Blessed Benedict XI (1303-04) Sage
196. Clement V (1305-14) Rosemary
197. John XXII (1316-34) Thyme
198. Benedict XII (1334-42) Parsnip
199. Clement VI (1342-52) Morning Mist
200. Innocent VI (1352-62) High Noon
201. Blessed Urban V (1362-70) Afternoon
202. Gregory XI (1370-78) Western Sunset
203. Urban VI (1378-89) Hyssop
204. Boniface IX (1389-1404) Majoram
205. Innocent VII (1406-06) Martyr
206. Gregory XII (1406-15) Pennyroyal
207. Martin V (1417-31) Thunder and Lightning
208. Eugene IV (1431-47) Fire and Brimstone
209. Nicholas V (1447-55) Ripe Tomato
210. Callistus III (1455-58) Rosehips
211. Pius II (1458-64) Sassafras
212. Paul II (1464-71) Toffee
213. Sixtus IV (1471-84) Tiger Lily
214. Innocent VIII (1484-92) Dandelion
215. Alexander VI (1492-1503) Daisy
216. Pius III (1503) Passionfruit
217. Julius II (1503-13) Orange Julius
218. Leo X (1513-21) Inspiration
219. Adrian VI (1522-23) Divinity
220. Clement VII (1523-34) Hot Springs
221. Paul III (1534-49) Oregano
222. Julius III (1550-55) Jalapeno
223. Marcellus II (1555) Yucca
224. Paul IV (1555-59) Chamomile
225. Pius IV (1559-65) Coriander
226. St. Pius V (1566-72) Eucharist
227. Gregory XIII (1572-85) African Violent
228. Sixtus V (1585-90) Dewberry
229. Urban VII (1590) Papaya
230. Gregory XIV (1590-91) Eggnog
231. Innocent IX (1591) Easter Lily
232. Clement VIII (1592-1605) Peony
233. Leo XI (1605) Azalea
234. Paul V (1605-21) Freesia
235. Gregory XV (1621-23) Fern
236. Urban VIII (1623-44) Amaretto
237. Innocent X (1644-55) Oatmeal
238. Alexander VII (1655-67) Cypress
239. Clement IX (1667-69) Wisteria
240. Clement X (1670-76) Myrtle
241. Blessed Innocent XI (1676-89) Heather
242. Alexander VIII (1689-91) Cornflower
243. Innocent XII (1691-1700) Menthol
244. Clement XI (1700-21) Mistletoe
245. Innocent XIII (1721-24) Ylang Ylang
246. Benedict XIII (1724-30) Marjoram
247. Clement XII (1730-40) Citronella
248. Benedict XIV (1740-58) Lotus Blossom
249. Clement XIII (1758-69) Sweet Pea
250. Clement XIV (1769-74) Chrysanthemum
251. Pius VI (1775-99) Lemongrass
252. Pius VII (1800-23) Vanilla
253. Leo XII (1823-29) Wildflowers
254. Pius VIII (1829-30) Pear Orchard
255. Gregory XVI (1831-46) Snow on the Alps
256. Ven. Pius IX (1846-78) Coffee
257. Leo XIII (1878-1903) Lilac Blossom
258. St. Pius X (1903-14) Random Potpourri
259. Benedict XV (1914-22) Peach Cobbler
260. Pius XI (1922-39) Musty Old Cathedral
261. Pius XII (1939-58) Xtreme Sport
262. John XXII (1958-63) Forest Pine
263. Paul VI (1963-78) Apple Spice
264. John Paul I (1978) Honeysuckle
265. John Paul II (1978-2005) Mediterranean Sea Breeze
266. Benedict XVI (2005-) Patchouli

And a special scent, for a maybe/maybe-not pope:

• Joan (855-?) Chamomile

Each Pope on a Rope will be blessed by his holiness himself and hand packed by a trained cadre of cardinals. Get yours today from the Vatican Gift Shop or through our website.

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Many thanks to The Catholic Encyclopedia for the list of Popes.

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Many more thanks to asterphage who's been the only one to bother telling me that Theodore I and Vigilus had the same scent. He gets a Pope on a Rope scent named in his honor (and because I'm too bloody lazy to come up w/ yet another one).

Have you ever stood in your shower (naked, of course, and probably soaking wet) and thought to yourself, "Gee, I wish I had some really good poetry to read while I lathered up"?

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Each Pope on a Rope is a hand carved block of soap with a stanza of lyric essay from the master himself, Alexander Pope. Choose from one of three elegant designs!

Essay on Man- A lovely peach scented bar strung on a chestnut yarn

The Rape of The Lock- A delicate fragrance of rose matched with a leather thong

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