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The only vatican approved way for Nuns to masturbate in the bath! Limited Offer! Keep away dust vampires! Perform clean Exorcisms!

Get your Pope on a rope early, and you'll receive this bonus Wookiee Cushion!

Not for children under 10
Batteries not included
do not stop chainsaw with hands or genitals

Imagine if you will, your common everyday soap on a rope. A bar of soap with a rope conveniently stuck in the middle of it during the forming process which allows you to hang it up in the shower. This keeps you from ever dropping the soap and experiencing any of the nasty side effects. (Like having to bend down and whacking your arse on the tub faucet. I don't know what you think I was talking about.)

Now here's the genius part: instead of soap shaped like a bar, or a football or a horse or a dodecahedron we shall instead form the soap into the shape of The Pope! Different scents for different popes even. And instead of a rope we could use a rosary so you could do whatever it is that Catholics do with the rosary in the shower.

Here's a list of all the Popes, their dates of Papalness and their Pope on a Rope scent:

  1. St. Peter (32-67) Rose Petals
  2. St. Linus (67-76) Redwoods
  3. St. Anacletus (Cletus) (76-88) Holly Berry
  4. St. Clement I (88-97) Fig Leaf
  5. St. Evaristus (97-105) Strawberries 'n' Cream
  6. St. Alexander I (105-115) Blackberry Currant
  7. St. Sixtus I (115-125) -- also called Xystus I Green Tea
  8. St. Telesphorus (125-136) Grape Escape
  9. St. Hyginus (136-140) Hybiscus
  10. St. Pius I (140-155) Blueberry Pie
  11. St. Anicetus (155-166) Aloe
  12. St. Soter (166-175) Volcanic Ash
  13. St. Eleutherius (175-189) Clover
  14. St. Victor I (189-199) Talc
  15. St. Zephyrinus (199-217) Wintergreen
  16. St. Callistus I (217-22) Orange Crush
  17. St. Urban I (222-30) Smog
  18. St. Pontain (230-35) Mountain Spring
  19. St. Anterus (235-36) Ambrosia
  20. St. Fabian (236-50) Cinnamon Twist
  21. St. Cornelius (251-53) Gardenia
  22. St. Lucius I (253-54) Exotic Orchid
  23. St. Stephen I (254-257) Lemon Drop
  24. St. Sixtus II (257-258) Watermelon
  25. St. Dionysius (260-268) Honeydew
  26. St. Felix I (269-274) Catnip
  27. St. Eutychian (275-283) Grass Clippings
  28. St. Caius (283-296) -- also called Gaius Ancient Oak
  29. St. Marcellinus (296-304) Forgiveness
  30. St. Marcellus I (308-309) Love
  31. St. Eusebius (309 or 310) Hope
  32. St. Miltiades (311-14) Redemption
  33. St. Sylvester I (314-35) Faith
  34. St. Marcus (336) Charity
  35. St. Julius I (337-52) Magnolia
  36. Liberius (352-66) Juniper
  37. St. Damasus I (366-83) Kiwi
  38. St. Siricius (384-99) Cranberry
  39. St. Anastasius I (399-401) Pumpkin
  40. St. Innocent I (401-17) Genisis
  41. St. Zosimus (417-18) Zestfully Holy
  42. St. Boniface I (418-22) Mango
  43. St. Celestine I (422-32) Celestial Magic
  44. St. Sixtus III (432-40) Tribunal
  45. St. Leo I (the Great) (440-61) Sunflower
  46. St. Hilarius (461-68) Cucumber
  47. St. Simplicius (468-83) Sands of Time
  48. St. Felix III (II) (483-92) Misnomer
  49. St. Gelasius I (492-96) Eucalyptus
  50. Anastasius II (496-98) Coconut
  51. St. Symmachus (498-514) Peanut Butter
  52. St. Hormisdas (514-23) Butterscotch
  53. St. John I (523-26) Earth
  54. St. Felix IV (III) (526-30) Fire
  55. Boniface II (530-32) Aqua
  56. John II (533-35) Air
  57. St. Agapetus I (535-36) -- also called Agapitus I Omlet du Fromage
  58. St. Silverius (536-37) Silver
  59. Vigilius (537-55) Vigilance
  60. Pelagius I (556-61) Fortitude
  61. John III (561-74) Peace
  62. Benedict I (575-79) Sanctity
  63. Pelagius II (579-90) Sacristy
  64. St. Gregory I (the Great) (590-604) Cumulous
  65. Sabinian (604-606) Peppermint
  66. Boniface III (607) Spearmint
  67. St. Boniface IV (608-15) Sea Salt
  68. St. Deusdedit (Adeodatus I) (615-18) Artic Flow
  69. Boniface V (619-25) Jasmin
  70. Honorius I (625-38) Tulip
  71. Severinus (640) Cut Flowers
  72. John IV (640-42) Compassion
  73. Theodore I (642-49) asterphage
  74. St. Martin I (649-55) Tropical Storm
  75. St. Eugene I (655-57) Virtue
  76. St. Vitalian (657-72) Humility
  77. Adeodatus (II) (672-76) Ice
  78. Donus (676-78) Glazed Doughnut
  79. St. Agatho (678-81) Bubble Bath
  80. St. Leo II (682-83) Charity
  81. St. Benedict II (684-85) Valor
  82. John V (685-86) Winter Squash
  83. Conon (686-87) Great Barrier Reef
  84. St. Sergius I (687-701) Honesty
  85. John VI (701-05) Goldenrod
  86. John VII (705-07) Lily of the Valley
  87. Sisinnius (708) Binary
  88. Constantine (708-15) Istanbul
  89. St. Gregory II (715-31) Irish Summer
  90. St. Gregory III (731-41) Oriental Silk
  91. St. Zachary (741-52) Chocolate Chip
  92. Stephen II (752) Gingerbread
  93. Stephen III (752-57) Sage
  94. St. Paul I (757-67) Apocalypse
  95. Stephen IV (767-72) Lava Flow
  96. Adrian I (772-95) Dusty Trail
  97. St. Leo III (795-816) Tears
  98. Stephen V (816-17) Angel Chorus
  99. St. Paschal I (817-24) Cherubim
  100. Eugene II (824-27) Seraphim
  101. Valentine (827) Lime
  102. Gregory IV (827-44) Longevity
  103. Sergius II (844-47) Plateau
  104. St. Leo IV (847-55) Bubblegum
  105. Benedict III (855-58) Raspberry
  106. St. Nicholas I (the Great) (858-67) Christmas Morning
  107. Adrian II (867-72) Adriatic Sea
  108. John VIII (872-82) Sol Wind
  109. Marinus I (882-84) Mercury
  110. St. Adrian III (884-85) Venus
  111. Stephen VI (885-91) Earth
  112. Formosus (891-96) Mars
  113. Boniface VI (896) Jupiter
  114. Stephen VII (896-97) Saturn
  115. Romanus (897) Uranus
  116. Theodore II (897) Neptune
  117. John IX (898-900) Pluto
  118. Benedict IV (900-03) Milky Way
  119. Leo V (903) Meteor
  120. Sergius III (904-11) Rainbow
  121. Anastasius III (911-13) Trinity
  122. Lando (913-14) Cloud City
  123. John X (914-28) Rice Paper
  124. Leo VI (928) Maple Sugar
  125. Stephen VIII (929-31) Octarine
  126. John XI (931-35) Nectarine
  127. Leo VII (936-39) Pomegranate
  128. Stephen IX (939-42) Sandalwood
  129. Marinus II (942-46) Ferrous
  130. Agapetus II (946-55) Amber
  131. John XII (955-63) Mulberry Bush
  132. Leo VIII (963-64) Soy
  133. Benedict V (964) Snap Pea
  134. John XIII (965-72) Clove
  135. Benedict VI (973-74) Nutmeg
  136. Benedict VII (974-83) Custard
  137. John XIV (983-84) Allspice
  138. John XV (985-96) Ginseng
  139. Gregory V (996-99) Climbing Ivy
  140. Sylvester II (999-1003) Epoch
  141. John XVII (1003) Cedar
  142. John XVIII (1003-09) Bronze
  143. Sergius IV (1009-12) Freedom
  144. Benedict VIII (1012-24) Tungsten
  145. John XIX (1024-32) Carnation
  146. Benedict IX (1032-45) Geranium
  147. Sylvester III (1045) Seaweed
  148. Benedict IX (1045) Almond
  149. Gregory VI (1045-46) Wisdom
  150. Clement II (1046-47) Charisma
  151. Benedict IX (1047-48) Fortitude
  152. Damasus II (1048) Red Rum
  153. St. Leo IX (1049-54) Snap Dragon
  154. Victor II (1055-57) Persimmon
  155. Stephen X (1057-58) Marble Cake
  156. Nicholas II (1058-61) Sandstone
  157. Alexander II (1061-73) Dreamsicle
  158. St. Gregory VII (1073-85) Mixed Berry
  159. Blessed Victor III (1086-87) Sea Foam
  160. Blessed Urban II (1088-99) Skyscraper
  161. Paschal II (1099-1118) White Lace
  162. Gelasius II (1118-19) Blue Rasberry
  163. Callistus II (1119-24) Avignon
  164. Honorius II (1124-30) Daffodil
  165. Innocent II (1130-43) Opal
  166. Celestine II (1143-44) Abyss
  167. Lucius II (1144-45) Pistachio
  168. Blessed Eugene III (1145-53) Mint Chip
  169. Anastasius IV (1153-54) Pineapple
  170. Adrian IV (1154-59) Citrus
  171. Alexander III (1159-81) Brookside
  172. Lucius III (1181-85) Veldt
  173. Urban III (1185-87) Pedestrian
  174. Gregory VIII (1187) Sunbeam
  175. Clement III (1187-91) Lunar Eclipse
  176. Celestine III (1191-98) Downpour
  177. Innocent III (1198-1216) Diamond
  178. Honorius III (1216-27) Topaz
  179. Gregory IX (1227-41) Ruby Vroom
  180. Celestine IV (1241) Emerald City
  181. Innocent IV (1243-54) Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love
  182. Alexander IV (1254-61) Zircon
  183. Urban IV (1261-64) Grapefruit
  184. Clement IV (1265-68) Banana Nut
  185. Blessed Gregory X (1271-76) Zuccini Bread
  186. Blessed Innocent V (1276) Carrot Juice
  187. Adrian V (1276) Black Pearl
  188. John XXI (1276-77) Sugar Cane
  189. Nicholas III (1277-80) Plum
  190. Martin IV (1281-85) Tangerine
  191. Honorius IV (1285-87) Frankincense
  192. Nicholas IV (1288-92) Myrrh
  193. St. Celestine V (1294) Gold
  194. Boniface VIII (1294-1303) Basil
  195. Blessed Benedict XI (1303-04) Sage
  196. Clement V (1305-14) Rosemary
  197. John XXII (1316-34) Thyme
  198. Benedict XII (1334-42) Parsnip
  199. Clement VI (1342-52) Morning Mist
  200. Innocent VI (1352-62) High Noon
  201. Blessed Urban V (1362-70) Afternoon
  202. Gregory XI (1370-78) Western Sunset
  203. Urban VI (1378-89) Hyssop
  204. Boniface IX (1389-1404) Majoram
  205. Innocent VII (1406-06) Martyr
  206. Gregory XII (1406-15) Pennyroyal
  207. Martin V (1417-31) Thunder and Lightning
  208. Eugene IV (1431-47) Fire and Brimstone
  209. Nicholas V (1447-55) Ripe Tomato
  210. Callistus III (1455-58) Rosehips
  211. Pius II (1458-64) Sassafras
  212. Paul II (1464-71) Toffee
  213. Sixtus IV (1471-84) Tiger Lily
  214. Innocent VIII (1484-92) Dandelion
  215. Alexander VI (1492-1503) Daisy
  216. Pius III (1503) Passionfruit
  217. Julius II (1503-13) Orange Julius
  218. Leo X (1513-21) Inspiration
  219. Adrian VI (1522-23) Divinity
  220. Clement VII (1523-34) Hot Springs
  221. Paul III (1534-49) Oregano
  222. Julius III (1550-55) Jalapeno
  223. Marcellus II (1555) Yucca
  224. Paul IV (1555-59) Chamomile
  225. Pius IV (1559-65) Coriander
  226. St. Pius V (1566-72) Eucharist
  227. Gregory XIII (1572-85) African Violent
  228. Sixtus V (1585-90) Dewberry
  229. Urban VII (1590) Papaya
  230. Gregory XIV (1590-91) Eggnog
  231. Innocent IX (1591) Easter Lily
  232. Clement VIII (1592-1605) Peony
  233. Leo XI (1605) Azalea
  234. Paul V (1605-21) Freesia
  235. Gregory XV (1621-23) Fern
  236. Urban VIII (1623-44) Amaretto
  237. Innocent X (1644-55) Oatmeal
  238. Alexander VII (1655-67) Cypress
  239. Clement IX (1667-69) Wisteria
  240. Clement X (1670-76) Myrtle
  241. Blessed Innocent XI (1676-89) Heather
  242. Alexander VIII (1689-91) Cornflower
  243. Innocent XII (1691-1700) Menthol
  244. Clement XI (1700-21) Mistletoe
  245. Innocent XIII (1721-24) Ylang Ylang
  246. Benedict XIII (1724-30) Marjoram
  247. Clement XII (1730-40) Citronella
  248. Benedict XIV (1740-58) Lotus Blossom
  249. Clement XIII (1758-69) Sweet Pea
  250. Clement XIV (1769-74) Chrysanthemum
  251. Pius VI (1775-99) Lemongrass
  252. Pius VII (1800-23) Vanilla
  253. Leo XII (1823-29) Wildflowers
  254. Pius VIII (1829-30) Pear Orchard
  255. Gregory XVI (1831-46) Snow on the Alps
  256. Ven. Pius IX (1846-78) Coffee
  257. Leo XIII (1878-1903) Lilac Blossom
  258. St. Pius X (1903-14) Random Potpourri
  259. Benedict XV (1914-22) Peach Cobbler
  260. Pius XI (1922-39) Musty Old Cathedral
  261. Pius XII (1939-58) Xtreme Sport
  262. John XXII (1958-63) Forest Pine
  263. Paul VI (1963-78) Apple Spice
  264. John Paul I (1978) Honeysuckle
  265. John Paul II (1978-2005) Mediterranean Sea Breeze
  266. Benedict XVI (2005-2013) Patchouli
  267. Francis I (2013- ) Yerba Maté

And a special scent, for a maybe/maybe-not pope:

  • Joan (855-?) Chamomile

Each Pope on a Rope will be blessed by his holiness himself and hand packed by a trained cadre of cardinals. Get yours today from the Vatican Gift Shop or through our website.


Many thanks to The Catholic Encyclopedia for the list of Popes.


Many more thanks to asterphage who's been the only one to bother telling me that Theodore I and Vigilus had the same scent. He gets a Pope on a Rope scent named in his honor (and because I'm too bloody lazy to come up w/ yet another one).

Have you ever stood in your shower (naked, of course, and probably soaking wet) and thought to yourself, "Gee, I wish I had some really good poetry to read while I lathered up"?

Well Now You Can!

PoeticsPlus, makers of such fine household products as the Dickenson Duster® and Keats Kleaner®, are proud to annouce our newest tool for the literate in your family, Pope on a Rope!

Each Pope on a Rope is a hand carved block of soap with a stanza of lyric essay from the master himself, Alexander Pope. Choose from one of three elegant designs!

Essay on Man- A lovely peach scented bar strung on a chestnut yarn

The Rape of The Lock- A delicate fragrance of rose matched with a leather thong

Windsor Forest- The crisp scents of pine and juniper strung on highest grade twine.

Act now, and receive our famous PlathWare® kitchen utensil set FREE with your order!

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