One of the best characters on Saturday Night Live
during the 1970s
before kids these days
grew up enough to be on it. The character bio reads:
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI has spent the past twenty years living and working in the United States as gossip columnist and rock critic for the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano. Recently, he was also appointed Assistant Managing Editor for the Vatican Inquirer.
American audiences first became familiar with Father Sarducci during the "golden years" of "Saturday Night Live," when he appeared regularly as a commentator (and occasionally as a correspondent) on "Weekend Update."
On The Last Supper: It was actually a brunch. The check reveals that one guy only had a soft-boiled egg and tea, while everyone else stuffed themselves. But when the bill was paid, it was divided equally. The moral: "In groups, always order the most expensive thing."
On The "Missing" Commandments: There were actually more than ten, but Moses was old and grumpy, and after he broke the tablets he could only remember the negative ones. "Don't do this. Don't do that." The truth is, most of them were more like advice. The Twelfth Commandment, for example, was "Whistle while you work." (People think its from Disney, but Disney stole it from God.)
On Former Vice President Dan Quayle: Dan Quayle was going around the country giving C students a bad name.
On Masturbation: Life is a job. You get $14.50 a day, but after you die, you have to pay for your sins. Stealing a hub cap is around $100. Masturbation is 35 cents (it doesn't seem like much, but it adds up). If there's money left when you subtract what you owe from what you've earned, you can go to heaven. If not, you have to go back to work. (Sort of like reincarnation -- many nuns are Mafia guys working it off.)