Something you want to avoid. Trust me on this one.
And it's not that I haven't tried. O, how I've tried. Looking back, a surprising portion of the stupid things I've said that I regret to this day were directly related to the Holy See.
I've gotten murderous, tear-eyed glares from teenage girls with freckles. I've drawn forth the wrath of burly, drunken Irishmen. I've stuck my foot in my mouth so many times that I can identify brands of shoes by taste.
I am, of course, here mostly talking about the Holy Father of my misspent youth, Pope John Paul II. That's not to say that the current pontiff* or any of the others are necessarily fair game. But it was the late John Paul, much more than his successor, that seemed like such an easy and unfortunate target for wise-ass remarks.
When I was growing up, John Paul was in his declining years, and at first glance the guy looked like comedy gold. You'd think he'd be a punchline waiting to happen. He was Polish. He was old. He wore strange clothes and large, comical hats. When he spoke he mumbled, in Italian and Latin, most people couldn't understand a word that he said. Everywhere he travelled the man rode around in a golfcart-mounted plexiglass cube that's actually called "The Popemobile".
The Popemobile. How is that not funny?
The unfortunate truth, though, is that it's not funny at all. Sure, you could pull a few cheap laughs, raucous and rough, but then the buzzkill sinks in as sure as poison. Inevitably, someone else takes another jab, realizing too late that the joke just died, and everybody cringes.
Because Everyone likes The Pope. It's just one of those things.
Maybe it's because Catholics are everywhere. There's more than a billion of 'em on Planet Earth, and always three at every party. But trust me, I'm not one of them. Asked for my perspective bluntly, I'd tell you "Catholicism is an Anachronism", my jingoistic mantra and one which I think a lot of people share.
But even then the Pontiff is, as if by rule, off-limits. You can't make jokes about the Pope in polite company, unless you're so iconoclastic you're clastic or you don't mind coming off as an incredible prick.
People know the Pope, see? They know his name. They know what he stands for, and they may not like it, but they still see how his hand shakes when he signs the cross. They remember why he has to ride in bulletproof cars (Newsflash: it's because militant fuckers like to shoot people over ideas). They knew John Paul II had lived and led through cancer, assassin's bullets, broken bones, and all the signs of Parkinson's.
And it's hard to laugh at that. I know, as it's a lesson I've learned the hard way, and it's why I'm telling it to you now.
So cut the man some slack, eh? Leave the Pope jokes to Python.
* UPDATE 1/13/06: I originally posted this node in 2002, back when Pope Benedict was still Joseph Ratzinger and JP2 was still alive. It's since been revised a bit to reflect the changing times.