My nerves cannot take another day like this one. My brain hurts.

I had two major events, both of grading significance to my academic and personal competency's wellbeing. I succeeded in both, although the stress took away all feelings of contentment I may have gained.

The day started out normal enough. I got to school right as the bell rang due to the heavy snowfall, and went straight to Comparative Anatomy and listened to a lecture about the Sino Atrial Node. We then performed an EKG on every person in the room, with much exclaiming over the gooiness of the elbow and wrist stickers. We then analyzed the P wave, QRS complex, and the T wave. Nothing too exciting went on, although I had a couple PVCs show up. Nothing serious, the teacher said. I then told him about my heart problems.

Went to a meeting concerning dual enrollment for next semester. Have a bunch of paperwork to fill out, again, and another $245.50 to pay. If I could drive to GVSU every day instead of Hope, I’d skip the tuition cost. But is the inconvenience worth it? That’s a question better left unanswered.

Lunch was exciting; Stacy drove Jess, Gin, Taco, and myself to her house through the incredibly heavy snow. The roads were slippery, and her car has no traction. ‘The Bucket’ nearly had us wrapped around a telephone poll, and not from a lack of trying on our half. Oops.

I had my challenge in band today. I won. Scary situation number one was put behind me, for now. I still have three more people to challenge before getting to first chair. The girl I beat was devastated. I didn’t know what to say to her.

Drove to Hope to give my presentation on Charles Baudelaire. It went flawlessly if I do say so myself; the prof congratulated my partner and I on a job well done. Scary situation number two over and done with. Now I just have l’Examen Orale to look forward to. I know I’m excited.

ladies and gentlemen, we invite you to witness a
Spontaneous Inventory
of Things Mental and Physical

Large and Small

Tattered and Torn
Forever and Ever
step right up step right up...

Two (2) Guided By Voices albums, used for noding purposes, a stack of Comics authored by Chris Ware for non-noding purposes (though, truthfully, they eventually became Node Fodder).

One (1) metronome

A pair of slippers given to the Subject by his Mother on the Morning of Christmas, 1996. Said Mother attains that the Slippers are the best Christmas gift she's ever given.

Two (2) mangoes, refrigerated, waiting to be enjoyed when there is Ample Sunlight for such a thing.

A Charles Mingus record, The Clown, on the phonograph, submerging the Subject's apartment in an Ocean of Pity and Jazz.

One (1) "Egyptian Musk" incense stick, purchased from a Street Vendor in New York City (yes, ladies and gentlemen, THE New York City!) and burned to subdue an Unearthly Stench what wafts from an unpinpointable location in the Subject's Apartment.

An overactive paranoid response concerning a Questionable Lover, applied from a previous night's Conversation concerning Her Sexual Orientation, nurtured during an afternoon's Conversation concerning Her Plans This Evening, and brought to full Maturity in the Subject's Brain during an evening of Beer and other Potentially Portentious Potables.

Insomnia. Forever and ever, until Drugs do We part.

Assorted Miscellany including, but not limited to, twenty-six (26) votes, a bag full of BIG tags, and a pocketful of Resentment intermingled with bits of Secret Hopes She'll Call and lint.






and no pants... not in this room.

8:42pm, Thursday

Whoohoo! Vacation tomorrow (after a meeting in Sydney with the new PR woman). Collecting a rental car from the airport and Anjum, Arvind and me are heading off to the south coast for the weekend. Unabashedly masculine, it's sure to include barbeque lunch and dinner (loads of prawns and oysters and hopefully abalone, caught fresh and by hand an hour earlier), beer, and geek talk. No more work until Tuesday. Fare thee well, nodists, I shall be giving my EDC Nodespotting teeshirt a workout!

Another anecdote today.

How do you reason with an 8 year old boy? TR did not want fissure sealants placed on his teeth. I reasoned that they don't hurt, it only takes 60 seconds, and he's had them done before.

I asked him why he didn't like it.

I don't want to do it. I hate the noise. I hate the taste. I hate the dentist.

He looked at me as he said the last sentence, and was pleased with himself that he could say it to my face. A few tears were shed as he stubbornly said he'll have them at his next visit.

At the last visit, his mum bribed him with a PlayStation game if he would behave himself for this visit. He got the game. This visit, his mum threatened that she would take the game away FOREVER as he was not behaving at this visit. Oh boy, more tears as he comprehended loosing the game forever! Not forever, he pleaded.

You have the sealants done NOW, not next visit, or I'll give away your game FOREVER

So, with tears, he walked out of my room rather unhappily. I *sigh* to myself and to my nurse (partly in relief and in annoyance).

But guess what! He returned and hopped into the chair. TR decided that he was going to behave. He said "I'm only doing this because of the game".

First day back in Kluang today. For the unintiated, it's a town smack in the center of Johor, the Southernmost state in Peninsular Malaysia.

Assembled the new computer system today. Everything more or less went well, except that the video system seems flaky on running at resolutions below 1024x768 for some reason or other ... which means that the two games I tried playing, Simcity 3000 and Red Alert 2 aren't working. Grr... I suspect it's this el-cheapo NVIDIA Vanda LT TNT2 video card that I got with this system.

I did consider that the monitor could be at fault, but thought it funny that it would work fine at a higher resolution and not at a lower one. Besides, it's an NEC.


Also booked a flight back to Sydney for December 31, 2000 so I can view the New Year eve fireworks display. For once.

12:07

<evil-knight-voice>Bwahahahahaaaaaa!</evil-knight-voice> I finally woke up early enough, even when I stayed up until 4 or so! (Too much coffee, darn it)

Yesterday I figured out what was blasting my Schedulist. One for loop had = in the test. Yes, a =. It was supposed to have a <=... I thought Perl was supposed to complain about stuff like this.

I also found out about CPAN module Set::IntRange - This thing actually works, as opposed to the code I had. (Well, I'm not ashamed to resort to CPAN, au contraire - just sad that the code I had there already doesn't work at all anymore...)

Well, time to face the challenges of the day!

15:07

Done Usenet.

Spent some time cracking a Javascript-based "password" system that thinks it has cryptographic security. Well, the author probably has never thought the d00d would copy the script to their own machine or something (and modify the script and bypass checking altogheter) - or has probably never heard of hash collisions either for that matter... =)

There is no such thing as "secure" (or usable) JavaScript-based web page password scheme, folks! If you want to make password-protected pages, use HTTP authentication or CGI program.

15:31

Oh yeah, pe(a)rls from the last night's debugging session:

use Data::Dumper;
open(TMPFILE,">/tmp/datastructure.txt") or die "Aiee!\n";
print TMPFILE Dumper($data);
close TMPFILE;

This boldly goes where the Perl debugger fears to tread.

18:31

Wellllll... I made something cool: Javascript-based password system that uses MD5 to encrypt the password and stuff (I got the MD5 JavaScript file from the writeup). No way you can figure out the username and password!!! (Well, the target file name is still in the file as plaintext... =)

I wrote one topical node - JungleBoy seemed to flee because someone nuked a writeup of his, but apparently lv2 users don't know of Node Heaven. Patience, folks, patience... Patience is an important virtue!

21:57

Damn, I wish E2 Jukka theme would fit in 640 pixels and colors could be changed to fit the water theme and font too and... aww heck, I'll just use the water theme after all...


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: hash collision Set::IntRange Pure Alarm

Updated:

It's been a long day. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Girlfriend is not named because she asked me not to node about her.

After wandering round the streets of New York for hours on end, I sat in the park for a bit watching the people pass by. A guy with a musical bike made me smile, but I was feeling a little blue. Squirrels played around in the crunchy leaves while an oriental looking kid stood there trying to sell bags of brightly coloured stuff on a pole. Nobody wanted one, but he seemed to know that. He just stood there. I wished I'd brought my book.

I wandered down to have a look at the polar bear and then headed east on 65th to the apartment, humming Beck.

"She could talk to squirrels."

I was first back, but my lass and her mum turned up a half hour later and her step dad a bit after that. It was around 6. Paula phoned and we arranged to meet in the Windows on the World at 8 - time enough for showers, ironing and faffing about.

So by about 8:15 we were getting on the subway and heading for Wall Street, arguing about whose fault it was that we were late and generally all wishing we were in different continents. We got off at Fulton and walked to the twin towers.

Already late we had trouble finding the right way in, thanks to some really helpful security guards who sent us the wrong way. Everyone was getting a bit wound up and we were all fed up of rushing, but we were over a half hour late and Paula was on her own. Things started to go wrong about here.

We went in and found the lift up to the bar, but were told we had to pay a cover charge. Step dad Greg started fuming, but then he's a bit like that. We paid and were about to go up when they told us we had to put our coats in the cloakroom. We did that. We were about to go up again when the head honcho of the lift patrol people, the most important people in known space, told girlfriend's mum Lisa that she couldn't go up in those trainers. Now we are all grown ups, we've all been to places with dress codes and we know how it works. The guy could have said before we'd paid to go in, but as the three of us were English we'd have been happy to say, "OK, Lisa and Greg wait here, girlfriend and me will go up, have a drink and extract Paula and then we'll all go to on to the restaurant."

Greg went nuts.

First he starts shouting at head honcho guy,

What? You can't stop a lady going to a restaurant because of what shoes she's wearing!

I'm a New Yorker and I have never been to a restaurant in this city where they would stop a lady going in because of what shoes she's wearing.

God damn, this is crazy! Who do you think you are?

The head honcho guy didn't look impressed. He said she can't come in. People start to stare at us. I lean on the cloakroom counter and wait for him to shut up. Obviously he's not going to get us anywhere. Lisa looks embarrassed. Girlfriend looks exasperated and checks her watch. Paula is sitting about half a mile above us wondering where we all are.

Greg looks around for support, sees none and decides to carry on shouting at people. He tries the cloakroom staff next.

Do you have any shoes we can hire?

(Obviously not)

Sweety, take your shoes off, you can go up in your stockings.

God damn, I've never seen anything like this.. I'm a New Yorker!

Lisa looks like she is going to cry and tells him to keep his voice down. About twenty other punters are looking at the ceiling, their shoes or into the middle distance. Girlfriend turns to Greg and tells him to shut up and stop embarrassing her mum. Greg has the tickets, so we can't go up without him handing them over. I look at the floor. Greg starts on the head honcho again.

Can she go up in her stockings?

Clearly that's not going to happen. So Greg tells Lisa to take her shoes off... she can wear his... he doesn't mind going up in his socks. I tell him not to be stupid, to give girlfriend and me tickets and let us go get Paula. Like a spoiled brat he slams his fist down on the cloakroom counter and shouts,

I'm in control here!

The only reason I don't punch him out is that we're staying in his apartment for the week. Lisa's crying, but she takes her shoes off just to try and shut him up. Obviously they are still not going to let us go up. Lisa takes the tickets out of Greg's hand and passes girlfriend and me a couple. We scoot to the lift just to get out of the way and what does the lift attendant say?

ID please.

What?!

What?!

I need to see some ID to let you go up to the bar.

Are you taking the piss?

You can't be serious.

The lift attendant has seen the whole thing and can see we're not in particularly good moods. She can see the large audience and she can see Greg shouting at the head honcho guy.

OK, how old are you?

Well I'm 24

I'm 24.

OK, go on then.

So we get in the lift, accompanied by the shouting of Greg and a small section of the audience; those who are not waiting at the bottom to see him get thrown out. Girlfriend and me fume menacingly in the corner and everyone else looks at the ceiling, the floor or their finger nails.

Paula's fine, but asks where Greg and Lisa are. We spend five minutes guzzling down the most expensive double vodkas in four counties, pointing at a miniature Statue of Liberty in the distance and looking at the lights below and then brace ourselves for the lift back down. It feels like getting in a drop ship.

When we arrive back in hell the place has brightened up a little. People are now chatting to each other about the crazy guy and the staff are chuckling to each other. The head honcho guy is taking deep breaths. We get our coats and look around for Greg and Lisa, spotting them right over the far side of the room. It's a big room. You could probably park a small airbus in there.

When we approach we see Greg has had a lobotomy or something. A complete transformation of character has washed over him and he's nice as pie. I hate pie. Greg says,

Oh you came back so quickly. You know if we had thought about it sooner you guys could have gone for a couple of drinks up there with Paula... hi Paula, how are you?... and you could have caught us up at the restaurant.

Cunt.

That's another world's tallest building we can't come back to!

left work early yesterday to go to the doctor. i was in terrible stomach pain, but the doc can't tell why. he is going to schedule me for more tests. woke up this morning in pain again (it had gone away yesterday afternoon). am still in pain. this sucks royally.

but i won't focus on the crap. this morning the sky was gorge...

okay so back to what i was saying... when i took cozmo for his morning walk, the sky was gorgeous, dark dusky purple and bright pink. the dark clouds against the rising sun made a tremendous contrast.

last night i worked on doing a plaster mold of my face. they didn't turn out as detailed as i had hoped, certainly not detailed enough to be casted. however it's not a total loss, i now have two neat plaster molds of my face, and although they won't work as i had originally hoped, they will be turned into other projects. i like them because looking at them is like looking at me, mummified. so here's the scoop on what i learned during my face molding endeavour:
  1. if you want to make a rough facial form suitable for a mask, use plastered gauze bandages, available at some craft stores or at medical supply houses.
  2. if you want a detailed facial form (a lifecast) either buy a kit specifically for lifecasting or find somewhere to buy alginate (a prosthetic grade molding material).
  3. you can do it yourself without help (i did last night) but if you're casting your face it can get quite claustrophobic, as you won't be able to see. it's best to work with someone.
  4. trust what others have learned from experience -- cover your face with petroleum jelly paying particular attention to your eyelashes and eyebrows. well, unless you really want them to stick to the inside of the mold. which really really hurts, by the way. i used petroleum jelly, but not enough. i think i lost half my eyebrows.
i will be recieving some alginate soon to give a more detailed result, and i'll write about my experience with that after.

until then, i'm working on what neat things i can do with two rough plaster molds of my face.
Today has got to be one of the fastest commutes of my life. I got to work in record time! I couldn't believe that I was going at about 160km/h through a good section of the 407! Normally, there would be too many cars out there and even a big bottleneck before Highway 27. I guess some people chose to stay home or go christmas shopping.

8:30 to 8:55am EST
As I said, my commute was fast and furious. BT's Namistai was playing in the background as I imagined myself in a World Rally-Cross race. Only, I'm not in a race, I'm in a commute. This song does it to me every time. My adrenalin is pumping, I flash my high beams at drivers in the fast lane when they slow me down to a measly 120km/h. I can't get enough speed! When two of them move, I see two kilometres ahead of me down the highway.
The tachometer whispers to me: Rev higher.
The speedometer commands me: Go faster.
So I find myself accelerating to 160km/h. I still look in my mirrors and far ahead to make sure there are no police cars watching my every move. As I reach great speed, my mind is in meditation, my right foot is happy, my hands caresses the steering wheel and I feel my seat hugging me like my Love. The music, the sounds of the engine and exhaust and the wind streaming by puts me into divine ecstasy.

(I almost have an orgasm.)

Tough day yesterday. Paid my customary 5 week visit to the docs for a check up. No word on the tests I took and it's been so long since I took them, so much forgotten that the feedback has lost a great deal of its value for me. This is the second doctor to tell me that the job I wanted as an airline reservationist woud be out of reach for me. It's hard giving up on a dream.

I 've finally figured out what the dream I had (Dream Log: October 12, 2000) means :

Life begins not at the end of a conversation, but as a dream.

Aptly enough, I think somewhere in my head that my life will begin again with a dream, as in a goal.
I wonder what my next one will be?

Still I am sad and the holidays are so difficult for me. After the visit to the docs I thought maybe getting a little something for the guys would raise my spirits. I stopped at Best Buy and picked up a CD for my hubby, ELO's Definitive Collection. He loves to air guitar to parts of Roll Over Beethoven and I got the boys a couple of Christmassy Reindeer M&M's candies at Fry's while I picking up some milk for dinner.

Walking in the door I was greeted by a very miffed Number Two Son. Someone had locked him out of the house and he had to climb the fence and crawl through the doggie door to get in! Pulling out the M&M's merrily I said,
Here you go, this will make you feel better!
Gee, thanks Mom!!!

*long pause while we smiled at each other*

Hey!!!!! Number Two Son protests, you were going to give these to me anyways!

I had something smile about on my walk.


A cheerful heart is good medicine...
- Proverbs 17:22

Devotion

I get a lot of weird email, I guess it has to do with the Cartoons on Drugs pages I have on my web site, but today I got this

i want to be able to open hisworld at manlover.com and am unable to

Now either this is a very subtle spam, or someone has been taking the homonode randir did as a laugh to heart ... either way, I have no intention of going there.

I feel like I'm caught in a whirlpool or something: moving fast, but not advancing forward in time. Fret, fret, fret.. do nothing.

A broker down the hall is holding a three minute vigil of silence for Cisco's sinking market price on the TSE today. Hee. The people here are nuts.

My choir concert is this sunday. I'm so excited. It makes me so happy to sing. I think maybe I'll join a second choir or at least take a voice clinic or something in the spring. More, more, more!

It's wet and grey and cold and the five day forecast is Rain, Rain, Rain, Rain, Rain. I'm spoiled - we've had summer up until mid november, but now it's winter. I'm spoiled there too, though, I suppose - we rarely drop below zero and it hasn't snowed before January in three years except on the ski mountains. I want to build a fire anyhow. I think I should take December off, spend it hibernating, drinking apple cider with my comforter pulled over my head and my cat asleep (ha!) on my lap.

Ikea makes good inflatable couches. They don't break if four adults tackle them and jump up and down and treat it as a trampoline / football field.

  • Packing continues, but is at a good point. Saturday is moving day. Last night my daughter cried for about a half hour, talking about one thing and another, but it was clear that she was just expressing her anxiety about the move.

  • Got to the level when you can C! nodes, but have yet to find a node that is not already C!'d.
The Last Day of November.

Made a deal with that kid I work with, Danny, today. He drives me to the concert, I buy the tickets to Deftones and Incubus. 'Tones are pretty good, but it's Incubus that has my panties in a wad! Now this is the way to get around. He asked if 'someone up north' would have a problem with his taking me. I looked at him cross-eyed. It would never occur to me to even ask, as it would never occur to him to be jealous. "I have my own life, he has his. I have mostly guy friends or girlfriends who have their own girlfriends. Lesbians. He spends a great deal of time with females himself. He's never seemed to have a problem before."

Or has he? Little late for that now.

So, after a little persuasion that I don't mind buying the ticket, proceeds are going to a good cause other than sating my need for good tunes, (I can't remember what the cause was, it did involve children on one level or another), he said it was a go. So coming Sunday night, I'm going to see a show I've wanted to see for a while. Christmas present to me, from me. I'll leave the other two paychecks this month for everyone else. HHhhhhmmmmmmm. Sleep. Need very much bad now.

7:18 PM

I forgot to reorder my high blood pressure medicine. I guess I'll go without it tomorrow. What a bad day to run out - I have to finish two projects tomorrow.

I got my car insurance set up. It's going to be about $150/month. I forgot some papers at work, so I had to drive back to work to pick them up. I still have not set up a dentist appointment. I need to remember to do that.

Right now, I'm waiting for 9:00 to roll around so I can go home/to the gym. It's really frustrating and boring to spend several days in a row waiting on a computer to finish work. These days just take *forever* to pass.

Tomorrow someone is coming by work to give people flu shots (if they want one), but it's at 10:00am, so I will have to come in early, even though I know I will have to stay late tomorrow. I guess I should try to go to sleep early tonight. I've been tired the past two days for staying up too late.

Well, I'm going to go browse e2 some more. I've got about 90 more minutes to go.


10:32 PM

I've switched to local time just because GMT is a bit odd to use when I'm 4-5 hours behind it. When I write a daylog here, I don't usually get to it until after midnight GMT, so I always wind up a day behind, so when I write 02:00 GMT, it might seem like that morning when really it's that night. Details.

I did a quick gym workout today - only 25 minutes. I wanted to get back to my apartment to see the space shuttle launch. It went off perfectly tonight. No delays, no rescheduling, perfectly clear sky. I even saw the rocket boosters separate, which is difficult from over a hundred miles south of the launch pad.

Oop.. gotta go finish making dinner..

1:21 AM

Long dinner, eh? nah.. I just got busy on IRC for a while. It's almost time for sleep. But something's on my mind tonight.

I spent almost 15 minutes re-writing the next paragraph, but I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts into words, so I'll just write some incoherent fragments.

  • She is very nice to me in many ways, and I've never been treated that way by someone like her.
  • She has helped me in many ways to improve my self-confidence.
  • She's very cute, pretty, intelligent, energetic, and has so many friends.
  • I look straight into her beautiful brown eyes when she talks to me. I dare not stare for too long though. Sometimes I lose track of what she says, but I recover.
  • How do I feel? I don't know; these feelings are new.
  • When I see signs of her presence, my heart races.
  • I can't risk saying anything about how I feel, or I may endanger the relationship we have now.
  • I'm happy just to be treated with her presence and kindness, but I'm lost and confused by these emotions.
  • Am I losing my mind?
And if she ever finds and reads this, I'm moving to Alaska.

Big *sigh*. Sleep now. Dream now.

Life sucks.

I wake up, I go to school, I get home, I study, I am too tired to do anything but use my votes for the day. I sleep.

I got a 60 on my Latin Grammar test yesterday. Thats out of a hundred. I feel like a moron. I should have done better on the test. I was too tired to pass it. I decided that villam was accusative plural (as opposed to accusative singular). Will I ever be competent enough to get all the answers I know? On the upside I can improve my grade to an 85 by getting a new bookcover. I'm improving my test grade by doing a pass/fail assignment, sigh.

Everything I do pisses people off. Everything. When I balled up my paper my Latin teacher instantly made some general remark about how if you ball up your paper that you're an idiot espically after shes circled the answers for you.

The very next period I got a death threat from some short black girl named Tanisha who doesn't like me at all. Her friends convinced her that I probaly have a gun because I wear a trenchcoat, however. So i'm safe. Basically she was pissed off at me with everyone else in the room because I said dammit or something during a presentation that none of them understood because it was about something none of them cared about or could understand what I was saying. (To understand me you must have a fairly average vocabulary which today included words like 'disenfranchisement' and 'esoteric'.) When my english teacher told me not to curse. (dammit is not a curse word, but who gives a fuck?) I figured I might as well quit while I was ahead and said "Aw there goes the point." and sat down, because everything in the story up till that point had rhymed. ("My name is Scalia! Not Sca-li-la, Dammit!") Of course, at least seven or eight of the troglodytes had to have an opinion and be like "Oh he just wants to curse at us." because they weren't intelligent to infer that there might be puns involved with a story that rhymes. "Fuck all of you." I said out loud. I hate idiots, I should have explained the fact that they were idiots to them, but they probaly couldn't have figured it out if I said it syllable by syllable.

Thats the last time I do an unforced presentation in class. I need to learn that no one gives a fuck. Of course that probaly applies to this daylog. Abrupt stop.

This morning I got to encounter a new form of evil. It comes in the form of and iBook user. It doesn't understand "not really supported" or "the colors will not be pretty in X11". This is the sort of evil that says, "It's okay, I'll just be happy to have Linux installed on something. "

That is not what the evil truly means. It really means, "I'm to dumb to understand how to partition my own computer, but think that I am smart enough to run beta software on an unsupported machine, and expect your help to boot!"

Then I got to have fun screwing in the parking lot behind the office. The office manager and I decided that screwing in the signs for our parking spaces might be a tad bit more effective than the usual taping them to the metal walls method. The metal on the building is a bit thicker than I would have expected, however, and it turns out that the power drill is not as powerful as it claims. It ran out of juice just three signs into the process. I spent another hour looking for the battery charger. It could not be found anywhere.

Well, that is my rant so far for the day. Otherwise, it has not been to bad of a day. I had a car yesterday, as the result of an excursion to Cupertino to play with colorful plastic computers. That was a nightmare. Developers are the worst people to try and babysit. However, it was nice to have access to a car. I picked up a man on a street corner in the Mission, then we drove (of course, it is such a novelty to have a car.) We ended up in at the top of Mount Tam in Marin. That was quite nice. I am fairly dirty as a result, and have not yet changed my jeans. I guess that's why I don't work in a field that requires a business suit, though.

Five Things I am Thankful For Today:

(in order of thankfulness, for once)

1. Large capacity hot water tanks
2. The ability to appreciate cheesy things for what they are, and to be joyful about them
3. Thrift store mens' sweaters
4. Mixed Berry flavored Extra Strength Tums
5. Just how much better gravy is when made from a roux base


Updated Lee Stories today with crestfallen, which is a pretty funny story, now that it's 5 years old. I am still at the mercy of strong emotions, and will break down and cry when I am upset, and pushed just a little farther. It makes me just a little bit emo - sort of like being a little bit country, and a little bit rock and roll.

I just aquired some free contact lenses. They are presently attached and sucking my eyeballs dry. I haven't worn contacts in four years. My head feels (naturally) lighter and strangely tight. Peripheral vision is now very real. And depth percetion is now somehow more intense now. I keep moving my head slowly so the world doesn't swim. Is this seeing better?

I'm sure I'll get used to these prosthetic eyes. But until then, I am seeing the world in a brand new light.

Fire in the hand between us

Well, I'll have to make a decision, won't I. :/ While this decision hangs in the balance, things can only get more complex - thus delaying the decision even longer. As if this weren't enough, things are polarizing... She's beginning to like my friend, and her roomate and I are getting dangerously close. Well, umm, I guess we're already dangerously close.

If only I hadn't dicked on the talk. Maybe another talk can be arranged? Yeah, like it'd do any good. Polarization has already taken over. This has already gone to far.

Of course, a decision won't be reached very soon - while wallowing in my indecision I'm going to immerse myself in distractions. Oh, and if you haven't already, do yourself a favor buy the Everything, Everything DVD. I don't care if you don't have a DVD player, hate the MPAA or the CSS or V2 Records... Underworld transcends all of these barriers. The day you or a friend does have a DVD player you'll have a benchmark to test it and it's accompanying sound system with. ;) Hell, I'd buy it just for the DVD-ROM parts.

Today was a very typical day.

I was spent from persuing "alternative love interests" from my adventures yesturday, and I decided to miss my morning lecture and sleep in: much to the disgust of my present girlfriend who had to walk to class (because I wasn't there to pick her up) in the Minnesotan bitter cold. Ah well.

I made it to my next class and met my girfriend and a mutual friend of ours after class for lunch. She was noticably distant and she said she felt sick. No doubt, because she looked horrible...although that still is a tint of cute for her. We ate at an expensive resturant in honor of nothing (hell, it is my right as being an American with a high degree of disposable income to over-spend and over-order food!).

Even with a good meal in front of her she found something wrong with it. Figures. I dropped her off and wallowed in the gloom of it all. I am looking forward to my next relationship already.

Girls are a funny thing, however...

...after I returned from a typical day at the office she had e-mailed me a number of messages. All sappy, all, "I love you, I want to be with you." It is strage how people can be distant when they are near, and so needy when they are distant. I have a strong dislike for instability. Speaking of which:

The market sucks...

...but ADCT is undervalued. Buy more today!

I visited my Dad's house to watch the Vikings came with him. A cooler-than-cool sales manger named Bobby was also there. I like that guy, his is a smooth one. The Vikings won. Now this town can go back to loving the home team until they loose again. Minnesotans are strange. Keep those purple flags flying, fools!

I have two band-issued tickets to Dave Matthews...

...and I am going with my brother on Sunday. screw my girlfriend, she is only into boy bands and Christian Rock. So very one-dimensional. Yet another reason as to why I am going to leave her soon.

Cheers!

Today Haiku

I fought a migraine
Wayne told me that he loves me
My damn car won't start

8:05 am: Arrived home and realized I had an hour to get ready for class. I started the coffee, set the alarm for fifteen-till just in case, and lay down to wait for the pot to brew.

10:20 am: Awoke, realized there were twenty minutes of class left, resigned myself to my absence, and drifted back to la-la land.

4:30 pm: Awoke (again) and took a long, hot bath. My head started throbbing with that special brand of uber-headache that lets me know my day is as good as ruined. As an alcoholic, I can't take anything more than ibuprofen for it, and that doesn't even begin to touch these babies...not even 800 mg doses. Damn.

6:30 pm: Play Rehearsal. The headache made it very hard to concentrate on blocking tonight, not to mention the fact that the slightest sound was like an icepick in my skull. Shelley and Melanie were sweet enough to give me a neckrub, but it didn't help much.

9:00 pm: Got home and signed onto AOL, which is of the devil, but almost a necessity for internet dating around here. Wayne pounced, and we chatted for an hour before he returned to something he asked a week ago. What do I think about a relationship? I had been flippant before and gave him a textbook answer of what I thought a healthy relationship required, but now I was honest. I don't know. Is it an academic question this time, or a proposal? A proposal. It scares me. It scares him, too, but he's falling in love with me. Oh shit. Head throbbing, I wasn't able to deal with this. Not now. I have to run to Wal Mart...will you be on in an hour? He would. I logged off and got in the bathtub, and cried. I don't know if they were happy tears, tears because the pain won't stop, or tears because the pain might just be starting again.

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