A magical artifact which looks like a severed hand with candle wicks stuck into the ends of the thumb and each finger. When all of the wicks are lit, anyone who looks at the Hand (other than the person, if any, holding it) will fall into a trance in which they cannot move or speak. Here's how you make one...

First, the hard part: you need to obtain the severed left hand (the fresher, the better) of a convicted murderer who has died by hanging. Electrocution will not do. Lethal injection will not do. It's gotta be by hanging. It is not necessary for the criminal to have been convicted justly (though the criminal must indeed be a killer -- using an innocent person's hand will ruin the spell) or to have been executed by the state -- in fact, since so few countries hang murderers anymore, you'll probably have to get hold of a convicted killer (either spring him or wait 'til his sentence has been served) and hang him yourself. After that, chop off the left hand and insert wicks into the ends of each finger. I've found that the best way is to punch small holes in the ends of the fingers with a common nail, then widen them until a wick will fit inside. Don't worry about making sure they won't fall out. The wax will get them securely set.

Now you need to make the wax. Mix together two pounds of virgin wax (melted, of course), two tablespoons each of nitre, salt, and zimat, three long peppers of any type, a cup and a half of horse dung, two ferns of at least 14 leaves each, exactly 52 sesame seeds, a pinch of vervain, and a small handful of your own hair. Once all your ingredients are well mixed together, bring the whole thing to a boil quickly and then immediately take it off the burner. Now you're ready for the last part.

Put the hand in a container and pour the wax mixture over it. Then start massaging the wax into the hand (this is where you'll make sure the wicks are firmly set in place by the wax). While you do this, chant the following: "Raa uyy tao reddnao ia, wauh raats lutil? Luhk'ngewt! Luhk'ngewt! Iiks uthni dnumeyd a kyl, iyos d'lroow uth vuhbapa. Raa uyy tao reddnao ia, wuah raats lutil? Luhk'ngewt! Luhk'ngewt!" You must be very careful here. Getting the wax properly worked in will take about five hours of continuous work, and you must perform the chant the whole time. Failure to do so could result in demonic possession, spontaneous human combustion, several years of extremely bad luck, slow degeneration of your mental or physical faculties or, if you're lucky, a Hand of Glory that doesn't work at all. The spirits are fickle, perverse, and merciless. Don't give them a chance to fuck around with your genetic code.

Now providing that you've done everything correctly, you've got your very own Hand of Glory. All you have to do is light the wicks on the fingers, carry it into a convenience store and clean out the register right under the clerk's nose. Remember, the Hand of Glory must be used indoors -- it won't work at all outside. The whole thing is good for about 20 minutes of use or less, depending on how fresh the hand was. If any of the wicks is blown out prematurely, the spell is broken; all of the wicks must be extinguished and relit for it to take effect again.

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